Published April 5, 2014
In LAAC folder
The first day of high school, the day that Savannah Tomas has been waiting for! Well... kind of. Ever since her parents died, she's been waiting for someone to even notice her. Most of the time, the other people just laughed at her, just thinking that she was joking about having no parents. They all regret it now because when there was a field trip in middle school, you needed to have a parent to go with them. It couldn't be a grandma, aunt, cousin, NOTHING- Only Parents. She sat in the office all day while the other kids had fun at the zoo. Savannah just tried to push it all out of her mind. She just got ready and started off to her new school- Goldman Advanced Academy. It's a school only for people who have advanced talents. Alexis happened to be extremely gifted in singing and dancing, and hoped to one day be an actress. Well, its time to start her first day...
~~~ As Savvy walked through the long hallways of GAA, she quickly noticed a crowd of teens her age. She walked over to them.
" Umm... hi? I'm Savannah and I'm a little new."
"FINALLY!", some blonde boy shouted to her.
"WHAT!?!"
"We haven't had a new person at our school forever... OH, I'm Channler."
"Oh uhh... hi Channler..." ,Savvy said to him.
"I'm Margret, and my daddy owns the school, so if you make me mad, it's over for you", she said to Savannah in a stern voice.
"Ok then. And you are?"
"...OH YA! I'm Caleb".
Everyone could already tell that Caleb was crushing on Savvy BIG TIME. They both just stared at each other, which made Margret a little antsy, since Caleb was already her boyfriend.
"Well, Savannah, it has been wonderful to meet you, but it's time for first period".
"Oh, ok then." "Maybe I'll see you again sometime, Savvy?"
"Oh... sure... my first class is history with Mr. Bender."
"Oh, me too! I'll see you again soon then!"
"Ok, bye!", Savannah said as she walked off. She started thinking, "Maybe I've been noticed... AT LAST! I just hope they don't see through me." No one knew this, but Savvy was a criminal and escaped from jail 2 weeks after being put in. She dyed her hair brownish-red, and changed her name to Savannah Tomas. It used to be Alexis Hamilton, and her hair used to be some kind of blonde. She just needs to hide who she really was...
TO BE CONTINUED
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hey!
Raven here for the first of several reviews on your series!
Woah, that's a lot of information in just one paragraph. We know a lot about, ehm, Alexis/Savvy from just one part. However, Savvy says she has no parents, so... where does she live? With her aunt and uncle, grand parents, foster home? Sure, we don't need to add that information to the paragraph, but after saying she has no parents, you spike your reader's interest.
Maybe, a student can ask where she lives, or her legal guardian drop her off at school... Does Savvy live alone? That would helpful to know. (We the reader, don't need all of this within the first chapter, but it would be nice to know within the first five chapters.)
Also, why would the school say, "Only parents may sign this form."? Many children don't have mums or dads. Forms I have seen say, "Parents or legal guardians sign here." Allowing kids with no parents available, to go on field trips.
I love the idea of an escaped criminal on the run! Observing the life of a girl on the run while be a wild journey that I can't wait to be a part of!
Keep on writing!
Raven,
Her school was very harsh to those who didn't have parents and didn't treat them the same. Savvy does live alone, out where there would be no bills for anything, since she is still in high school. Hope I cleared a few things up :3
Hi there!
Okay, so the first thing I notice about this is that it's one big paragraph. It should be broken into many little paragraphs instead of being one giant paragraph. Right now, it's a bit hard to read. If it was broken up, readers would be able to follow easier. Here's something to keep in mind: make a new paragraph when a new person is speaking.
Let's look at this part of your chapter as an example. There are a lot of people talking in this part and it's kind of hard to tell who's saying what because the dialogue is all strung together. So here's how you can fix that:
"As savvy (her nickname) walked through the long hallways of GAA, she quickly noticed a crowd of teens her age. She walked over to them. "Ummm...hi? I'm Savannah and I'm a little new."
"FINALLY!", some blonde boy shouted out to her.
"WHAT!?!"
"We haven't had a new person at our school forever...OH, I'm Channler."
"OH uhh...hi Channler..." Savvy said to him"
Do you see how much easier that is to distinguish between characters speaking? It always helps me if I remember that rule. I've been writing for eight years now and I still keep that rule in mind while I write. Some things you just have to constantly remind yourself about.
Of course, dialogue isn't the only time that you can break and create a new paragraph. The rule I always remember for breaking paragraphs is to break when there's something new to talk about. Not something completely new, like different from the plot, but something that doesn't really continue what was in the last paragraph. Does that make sense? I'm not sure I'm explaining it right...
Now that I've got all of that out of the way, let's focus on your story. I have to say, it's quite. Having a girl that is a convicted criminal escape from prison and create a whole new identity; that's a pretty genius idea if I do say so myself. I've read about adults doing that, but I've never read about a teenager doing that. I can't wait to see what kind of trouble she gets into!
So if you just fix the few layout things I pointed out, this will be a great first chapter! I really, truly enjoyed reading it! I'll be getting to the next chapters later today.
I hope that this review helped!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
thx so much for the help! and to be honest, its hard for me to read my own work because of that problem. I know I have to do it, but it always slips my mind when im half way through the story. lol. and Savvy is up for LOADS of trouble very soon! and thx for calling it a 'genius idea'. thx again for everything!
~puppys3117~
and I forgot to say I will do this not in this chapter since im too lazy to XD, but im going to do it in the next chapters on the way
Hi, it's me again here to review!
There is one word I can say to this.
Perfect.
Perfect perfect perfect!
I didn't see grammar errors or spelling errors and I love the way you add in the suspenseful part about the jail at the very ending. That made me want to read it A LOT more than I did before because suspense is one of my favorite book traits.
I give this 5 stars out of 5! Great job!
thx a lot Em101cats! this means at lot to me, mostly because im still learning. if there is anything u want to see in the next part then just tell me! thx again!
and u were gonna read it even if u didn't wanna u know that XD
Yeah, I guess I would because you're one of my two bffs (you and dogsrule5/rosieposie she asked me not to say her real name) but you know that I did want to!!!!
yup! and btw Story Of My Life chapter 1 is published!
Yup! I read it at dogsrule5's house. I'm going to review it right now
kewl