The Pearl
It shimmers like a fallen angel,
skin like smooth sand.
Cool hands that can only heal,
and a home, surprisingly bland.
Wrinkly and distasteful,
resting on the ocean’s paw.
Inside is a beauty,
with a face without flaw.
A purity with no challenge.
An icy warmth that never thaws.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hi, J here for a review.
My biggest note for this poem is don't force the rhymes just because you feel like you have to. Some of the most beautiful poems that i have read don't have all rhyming words it creates a better flow most of the times to just say what feels right instead of trying so hard to rhyme. Feel free to just go with the flow sometimes!
"It shimmers like a fallen angel,
skin like smooth sand." I really like this it was a strong start to a great poem.
Over all great poem!
Good Job and Keep Writing!!
Hiya! My thoughts:
Try not to force your lines to rhyme just because you feel like you have to: it markedly drives the quality down. Not everything needs to rhyme for the fact that some of it rhymes to work.
I really like "icy warmth that never thaws." That line brings up a very specific feeling, and I knew exactly what you meant by it.
It's a solid start for what will be a great poem when you're done tweaking.
I'll piggyback off PrincessInk now:
I agree about the "ocean's paw" metaphor being a good one. I thought of a small pool that got cut off from the rest of the sea at low tide when I read it.
I'll build on the comment about your second line: try "skin like smoothest sand" instead?
Hey lolos! Ink here for a quick review.
I like the poetic language used in the poem. One of the favorite parts is the second line, because I love alliteration! The metaphor the "ocean's paw" was imaginative too, and I thought of something like high tide. I also sense a little theme of "it's just beautiful *outside* " in the last lines as well.
The rhyme scheme doesn't have any weird rhymes but I feel as if some words are forced in, just for the sake of rhyme. For example,
The "bland" really jarred the line and I suggest rephrasing. And some lines lack a great rhythm too, like,
I feel like for a nice rhythm there needs to be one more syllable.
The flow from thought to thought is rather rough as well. After each period, there's a new thought and the transition is jumpy. I also question the reason for all these periods. When sentences or phrases are really short, they can rub off as choppy. I would suggest a mixture of the punctuation typically used in poetry like commas, semi-colons, and so forth.
Overall, I like the idea and poetic language here but I think this needs a ton of refinement here. PM me if you have any comments or questions, and I hope this review helped!