Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Hi guys! I'm super duper excited to have the 6th chapter up for you and by far it's my favorite. I would absolutely love if you could review or just tell me if you liked it or not. Any comments are welcome!
I watched as Cole pushed himself off the sand and started walking up the hill we just descended minutes ago.
"Cole! Stop! Wait up," I screeched.
He didn't even bother looking back, but I couldn't lose him, so I did the only thing I could. I sprinted. I ran as fast I could to reach him and when I did I spun him around and planted my lips to his. He tasted of mint and it was intoxicating. Instead of pushing me away he picked me up off the ground and instinctively I wrapped my legs around his waist. When the kiss finally broke I was the first to speak.
"If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. If it's nothing, that's okay. But you have to know that ever since you came into my life my head hasn't stopped spinning. You're insane. But I can't get enough of you."
Without uttering a word, he kissed me again, this time the hunger was imminent. When he pulled away he set me down, grabbed my hand and started pulling me back up the hill. We walked in silence until we got to the top when he finally spoke.
"I need to show you something," He said.
So we walked. Downtown was just minutes from my house, but as we kept walking past all the buildings I couldn't help but wonder where he was taking me. We were now walking towards the valleys. Just a few yards up was a dirt road that led to a tiny cottage. Wordlessly he took me to the back of the house and let me in.
Inside the walls were made of a light wood as well as the floors. Looking around I noticed we were in the kitchen. A small fold up table and two chairs were in the corner and to my right was the counter, stove and fridge. Pots and pans cluttered the top of the stove. Everything seemed so- old. Like nobody had touched it in years. Suddenly I heard a deep voice coming from the other room. Steps boomed towards us. I looked at Cole who's eyes were wide, frozen with fear. I grabbed his hand getting ready to run back out the door, but it was too late.
"Shit he shouldn't be here. I thought he was working. Oh no, Skylar I'm so sorry," he whispered.
The man whose voice I just heard appeared in the kitchen. He was bald, and very plump. His dirty white shirt barely came over his belly and his shorts had holes in them.
"Cole, we NEED to leave." I intended for my voice to be forceful but it barely came out as a whisper.
"Where the fuck have you been, you little shit! And who is this little whore?!" The man boomed.
My cheeks flamed and my eyes watered. The man started towards us and before I knew it struck Cole in the face with his big meaty hand. He fell to the floor, blood dripping from his nose. I was furious, I screamed bloody murder and grabbed the first thing I could reach which happened to be a frying pan off the stove. I flung the pan as hard as I could at the back of the mans head. He grunted and clutched the back of his head, falling to the floor.
I looked over at Cole, eyes barely open. But I mustered up all the strength I possibly could and picked him up off the ground and ran out the door.
After what seemed like miles of running I stopped. Cole didn't even look conscious. So I grabbed my phone out of the back pocket of my shorts and dialed 911.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Sup!
Here for a a review once again! Hope you're doing well.
Alright.
Man, what a life.
A boy saves you. He loves you. You love him. You go out somewhere. You see bruises on him. You're shocked. He takes you to some other place. And... A mean dude comes barging into your beautiful moment? Wow. That sucks. And now your man's unconscious. And you're calling 911. Mamma-mia.
Alright, correction time.
Hmm, I think there's a word missing here. Maybe in between "it" and "struck"?
So the bold word needs an apostrophe before the "s".
Okay, so Sky says that she musters all her strength, which to me makes it sound like she's weak but then she still picks up a man - or boy, you haven't told us their age, not that I can remember - and runs away. Hmm...
Anyways, done with my review! Hope this helped in one way or the other and I'm off to read the next chapter. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Hey hey!
) But I think that it's a game changer because not only do they both respond, but it shows that they are in this for the long run... its not just a fling that will go away. Also, who doesn't like a passionate kiss in a romantic story?
So, the authors note at the beginning at this chapter got me really excited. Usually when the author says that this is one of their favorites it almost makes it impossible for it to not be the readers. I absolutely loved it for many reasons! I might as will list them to lol.
1. The first paragraph. This paragraph shows the desperation in Skylar;s whole body. I remember me trying to describe Skylar in the... I believe second chapter... and I remember saying that she was that girl that was every other girl wanted to be because she said what everyone else was scared to say. I think that not only is Skylar like that with words but also with her actions. Not many girls would run out of desperation after a boy they just meant. This shows that she is a special.
2. The kiss. Finally!!!! A kiss that is not only romantic but something that both Cole and Skylar respond to with love. I think that this kiss was a game changer (if I'm allowed to use those words to describe a kiss haha
3. The surprise. I think you know what I mean when I say that. You know... that dude that is living in that small condo and punched Cole straight across the face, and the dude the Skylar hit with a frying pan. Yeah, so I told you I won't assume... but I;m gonna guess. I'm guessing that's his father... but I'm not planning on it because you have managed to keep turning things and keeping me on my toes.
4. The call. The 911 call really has me wandering... Now what? What if Cole isn't okay? What can happen to their relationship? Is Cole Skylar's destiny? A whole bunch of questions all because of three numbers. Again.. great job with the cliffhanger. You have managed to not make a romantic story... but an action story in the middle of it all.
I will have to agree that this is also my favorite chapter, and that being said I just want to keep you soon! See ya in the next chapter
Stay classy and write on.
-Annaclare
One thing I notice is that between chapters they got out of the water and onto sand, include that trasition in the start of the chapter.
I find this a little bit funny. If that's what you're going for than cool but otherwise you might like to reword it.
"If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. If it's nothing, that's okay. But you have to know that ever since you came into my life my head hasn't stopped spinning. You're insane. But I can't get enough of you."
"Ever since you came into my life..." Like two hours ago.
The man started towards us and before I knew it struck Cole in the face with his big meaty hand.
And before I knew it he struck Cole in the face...
Wow! The story went from your typical romance to THIS! I'm loving the action.
Hey GossipGirl
I think you can remove the little dash here. The sentence flows perfectly without it. Now let me talk about what you did well.Yes I have come back to read more! Let me begin with a little nitpick:
I think you continued the story in a progressive way very well. I liked how we get to see Cole's home a bit, but not much of it seeing as they aren't there for very long. And I suppose we all know how he got those scars now? I am assuming that man was Cole's dad though. I could really sense the terror you tried to weave in there.
What I would have liked more of was a bit of a slower chapter when it came to this. I could see some parts where I would've liked a few more embellished details. Perhaps when they enter the house things don't happen so fast. Maybe she has some time to look around and see where everything is a bit more. Maybe she picks up a picture with Cole in it looking young and smiling. Perhaps she smiles at it too, but then frowns when she noticed the crack across the glass. And that could be a cue enter for the dad to come in stomping and everything. I would like to have something a bit more heart warming so we see her making a connection to Cole and his house before the next part comes in. It just gives the reader a relation to the setting as well.
The next thing I wanted to mention is that perhaps Cole needs a bit more beating up. From what I gathered he got hit and had a nosebleed. In my opinion it takes a bit more to knock out a strong fit young man like him ^^ I feel like in this case the dad needed more medical help than Cole. So, just let him be roughed up a bit more.
Also, tell us everything, and I mean everything that is happening to the main character as she goes through the motions of grabbing a weapon to save Cole. Go through the beating of her heart, tell us how her breath was gasping for air. How when she whipped her head around, eyes frantically searching for something, anything she couldn't see any other object apart from that vase. And as her eyes briefly flicked between Cole and the dad, she knew she would have to do something, even if it seemed immoral.
When you can add details such as those and others I mentioned above, that's when you've done the fine tuning stage of your story. Let me know when you've got chapter seven up again too!
Deanie x
This is a really good chapter! I haven't read your other chapters, but from this I am definitely going to have to go back and read them! The story is very thought-provoking and I can hardly wait for you to continue. I can recognize the work you've put into this because I'm writing a very similar story! Please please keep up the good work, you are an excellent writer.
Hey there,
Dreamy here to review. This is a pretty good work. I liked it. What really bothered me was your flow, it wasn't continuous. It felt like as if I was reading your diary. Let me point out few things that needs editing,
Or you can even rephrase it to, "I looked over at Cole whose eyes were barely open"
"After what seemed like running for miles, I stopped."
This can also be rephrased into "... the walls and the floors were made up of light woods."
This was all I could find.This story has a potential.All it need is some editing, with that it's good to go.
Keep writing!
Cheers!!!