Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
So, guys. I am so terribly sorry that I fell off the face of the earth. What it's been almost a year since I've written? God, I'm horrible. Well, if you haven't abandoned ship I'm back to continue/finish Finding Destiny. I hope you enjoy!
Cole's POV
God, what was with me?! Why was I so compelled to a girl who I'd only just met? I mean, sitting in front of me was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen in my life. Hazel eyes, long, flowing auburn hair. And when she smiled. Her smile stretched from ear to ear. Shiny white teeth, and a small dimple in her left cheek.
"Cole?" She asked.
"Cooollleee!"
I snapped out of my trance.
"Yes? Yes? I'm sorry. It's just, I can't stop looking at you." I replied.
Her cheeks turned burnt red and she glanced away slightly.
"Would you like to go to the beach?" She asked.
"Are you sure?" After everything that'd happened I think she needed rest.
"Positive!" She jumped off the bed in pure delight and skipped off down the stairs. I hurriedly followed her just In time to run into her father. He pulled me aside before I could even blink.
Her father was a tall man. 6' 3" and well built. He had dark brown hair and his eye's matched Skylar's.
"I don't know what you two are doing, and I don't know what you plan to do. But if you hurt my little girl, I swear I'll-"
"Cole come on!" The sound of her sweet voice filled the air and she was breathless. Her gaze shifted from her father to me, assessing the situation.
"It's okay daddy." And kissed him on the cheek, all while my taking my hand and pulling me out the door.
The beach was probably a 10 minute walk from her house. It was unusually warm for this time of year. It was the end of April in Chicago and just about 72 degrees. We walked hand in hand just about all the way there. When we hit the sand she released my hand and ran ahead, kicking her sandals off in the process. I ran ahead, coming up just behind her. I grabbed her waste and the sound of her giggle filled the air. After a few moments of holding her she turned around and looked me straight in the eyes. Hazel to blue.
She looked incredible. Wearing a flowing white sundress and a golden necklace with two intertwined hearts. She pulled me down on the sand, the waves just hitting the tips of our toes. The sun was just beginning to set along the horizon so the sky was streaked with an array of yellow's and pink's. As I lifted my arms to rest my head on them I noticed my sleeve riding up to reveal the latest of bruises. I tried to pull it down before she saw, but before I knew it her fingers were gently tracing the surface. I looked at her, my eye's weary. I had to be strong.
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Canary word: Present
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125,034 Literary Works • 672,915 Reviews
Yup, you know why I'm here. Review time. I don't feel like doing intros, but I hope you're doing well. Anyways. REVIEW.
I'd probably replace the period with a comma. And change the capitalized "H" to "h" for "her".
SAME. But it's on the opposite cheek. Lol.
There is no need to capitalize "i" in "in". Also, I think I know what'll happen, lol.
Yup. I was right. XD Protective daddy alert!
This is not math. We do not need numbers. Don't write "10", instead, write "ten" in those beautiful letters.
It's not "waste", it's "waist". Sound very alike, but do not look alike. :p
"Yellow's" and "pink's" don't need the apostrophe.
Also, bruises? Who? What? Where? When? Why? HOW? Hopefully you'll tell us.
"Eye's" in that that last sentence does not need to have an apostrophe. No need for that. So just "eyes" is fine.
Done with my review! If you've got any questions, feel free to ask. Moving onto the next chapter!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Hey hey!
Bruises?!?!? Really... bruises!!! That just made my head spin. Okay, so now I have like a million questions blowing through my head, and I don't know what to think except... I absolutely love it! Okay, so I have a lot of things just running through my mind and why not write them down.
First, you changed point of views! To be honest, when you described Cole for the first time in chapter two I knew he was pretty hot... but while I knew his appearance was quite amazing... I never exactly knew how he thought. But, now I'm starting to understand. He seems like the guy any girl dreams about... but you threw me for a loop with the bruises thing... nut to that later.
Second, your description of Skylar was beautiful. Maybe it was so great because Cole was describing her and it just made it a touch romantic, or it was just a really great description and visual. Whatever it was, you were quite amazing at it.
Third, what is a romantic teenage story without a protective intimidating father? I really like that extra touch. It really makes this story a little more realistic.
Fourth, I remember in my last review I told you that I was hoping for the secrets to be told. While they were not fully told with words and clearly explained, I have a feeling that Cole's has to do with these bruises... but again I'm not gonna assume. I like being surprised
Finally, the bruises. Yeah, here's another thing that has my mind keep reading. I not only want to know... but I NEED to know! Anyway, I have learned that you like to end chapters with cliffhangers... and I have to admit I sorta dig it
Anyway, I'll be writing to you soon in chapter five
Stay classy and write on.
-Annaclare
Ooo! I like it how you've changed the points of view! It'll be interesting to read from Cole's perspective. So here goes, once again I'll mostly just tell you about any errors that I find. You don't need me going on about how awesome it is, because trust me, this story is awesome.
After everything that'd happened I think she needed rest.
I think that this should be worded differently. Perhaps you could go with my suggestion: After everything that had happened I'd thought she'd need a rest.
"It's okay daddy." And kissed him on the cheek, all while my taking my hand and pulling me out the door.
There's two things going on here. One is just that you need a comma after okay and before daddy. Two is that extra my which I put in italics, you can get rid of that.
I'm interested in knowing where he got those bruises. Good job!
Hey there Gossipgirl! I'm here to review your story. I just wanted to let you know I read your old chapters as well, so I'm not just randomly diving into the story.
I think you've done a good job so far. You've got the description down, and I can really visualize what Skylar and Cole look like. I would like a bit more of a description when it comes to her parents, because they still seem like vague characters to me. Perhaps it would be better if you added in descriptions of them all the way back in the first-ish chapters when she wakes up in hospital.
I would make this all one sentence. Like: And when she smiled her smile stretched from ear to ear. Just to help with rhythm
All the while taking my hand...
Also, be careful about pacing here. This story is going so fast and I think things are happening too soon! In real life they've only really known each other for about a day or two. He's still practically a stranger, and although he saved her life, they still need to have some of the basic conversations mates have. I would like to hear one of those basic conversations. I mean, he seemed a bit stalkerish at first, I mean he doesn't even know her! I think Skylar would react a bit suspicious first, like you make her do, but perhaps for a bit longer. I can see how some fancying and flirting could be going on. I mean, he rescued her and you describe his as attractive. My suggestion is just to slow down a bit on the whole, give them some more time and days to get into this liking thing, and add in more details!
I think in this case you mean 'waist'.
So much running ahead! Perhaps you could alter the second one to say 'I caught up'
Interesting ending... with the bruises. I'm going to read the next chapter right away and know why he has them! It was a good place to end the chapter, because now you'll have the reader turning the page out of curiosity.
Deanie x
Humphrey....here for a review*
Hey, Hey,, Hey,,, yes I'm talking to you! Yes, I mean you, that girl wearing a red dress and smiling over there...That's a nice, long hair you got there! Just saying though, a little compliment helps, doesn't it??? Hahahaha,, funny guy!
Are you ready,,,,? Okay....Let's get this over with, gossipgirl!
I love this so much. I was just beginning to identify with the story when you ended it. It's an awesome piece, but you never gave us enough to hold on to. Oh, I remember you said you've never written for the past one year, and that explains it! So, I'll forgive you for doing that to this nice story. I presume you were trying to keep it short too, weren't you?
You kind of started with rhetoric that portrays that experience that every guy who's met with a girl that made them fall head over heels feel, which is great!
Overall, you did a great come-back and I appreciate that. We all get lazy with stuff like this, but hey keep writing because the world needs to read your works!
Best Regards....
I'm out of this place...bye
You're a sweetie. Thanks for the review