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16+ Violence Mature Content

Finding Destiny (Chapter 13)

by gossipgirlxoxo

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Cole's POV

I'm sitting in the sand, frozen. My hands are balled into fists and when I see Skylar's body fading off into the distance I grab the closest thing to me, which happens to be a shell, and chuck it as far and as fast as possible. My heart is racing and I'm struggling to fill my lungs with air.

She thinks I did it. She thinks I murdered her sister. What do I do? I can't run after her right now, she's took shaken up. I never wanted it to be like this. I never wanted to hurt her. I am in love with her.

The wind starts to pick up and I feel a chill pricking at my skin. I heave myself up off the sand and slowly make my way back home. As I round the corner to my back door, I notice the garage door is open. I carefully make my way over to the door and peer in when I see him. His beady eyes are staring me down.

"Get in here boy!" he shouts

I stumble forward at the sound of his voice and land on my hands and knees. He picks me up by my shirt and punches me square in the face. All I heard was a pop and the gush of warm liquid running down my face. I scramble to grab him, but he's massive. I manage to push his body backwards, but he's quick. He grabs my legs and I fall forward. He knees my ribcage and kicks me in the head. I scream in agony. All I can hear is a loud ringing in my ear before finally everything fades to black.

*walkie talkie sound*

"We've got a 17 year old caucasian male. Unconscious and badly beaten. Two cracked ribs, a broken nose and who knows what else. En route to Mercy Medical Center"

My eyes blink open and I see the inside of an ambulance. I look over and see a medic, natural braided hair and pretty caramel skin. She notices me watching her and takes my hand.

"It's going to be o..."- before she finishes my eyes force themselves to close and I'm enveloped in darkness once more.


*buzz buzz buzz*

I stretch my hand out, feeling around for my vibrating cellphone. My room is pitch black and my door is locked shut. I don't want to hear from anyone right now. I just want to sleep and wake up when this is all over. Finally, I grab my phone and stare at the display. Dr. Yang? I have her number saved from my trip to the hospital earlier this year. What is she calling me for? I clear my throat and try to make it seem like I haven't been bawling my eyes out for the past two hours.

"Hello?" I croak.

"Skylar, hi, It's Dr. Yang" she says, her voice low and concerned.

"Is everything alright?" I question

"Well sweetie.. there's a boy that's been admitted. Cole. You were the only number on his phone. Do you know him?" She asks

My heart drops and all the color drains from my face.

"What happened" I whispered

"He's been badly hurt." she says

"I'll be there in 10 minutes" I say and before she can respond I click the end call button and my running around my room like the tasmanian devil. Cole's been hurt. Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

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User avatar
108 Reviews

Points: 13147
Reviews: 108

Sun Aug 25, 2019 2:36 pm
Asith wrote a review...

I like this! The premise is intriguing, to say the least. I think you've got the idea of a good plot down, so I'm going to focus on the writing itself:

To start, the bit with the fight is well-written. It's paced well, and the pain of the blows is actually brought out in a way that feels genuine but not exaggerated. That's something that can be hard to do, so kudos!

Your dialogue, unfortunately, is inconsistently punctuated. Just like there are punctuation rules for regular sentences, there are also punctuation rules for dialogue! This specifically regards dialogue that ends in phrases like "she said".

"What happened" I whispered

"He's been badly hurt." she says

These are both actually wrong. The mistake lies in how you end the quotation. One of them has a period, and the other has no punctuation mark at all! Direct speech should always end in a comma (or question mark, or exclamation mark, if applicable) and never a period if it's followed by "she said" or some other speaking verb. These sentences should both be written like this:

"What happened?" I whispered.
"He's been badly hurt," she says.

Incorrect dialogue punctuation can easily throw off experienced readers, so it's good to learn to do it properly. And its not difficult either -- a simple Google search will tell you everything you need to know! :)
It's also worth noting that "I whispered" is in past tense, but the rest of the story is in present tense. An easy mistake to fix, of course.

Slight nitpick:
running around my room like the tasmanian devil.

Using the Tasmanian devil as a metaphor here makes the scene seem a little too comedic, don't you think? Focusing on the seriousness would be better, in my opinion :)

User avatar
416 Reviews

Points: 7116
Reviews: 416

Fri Jul 19, 2019 7:03 pm
Liberty wrote a review...

Hello once again!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get right into it now.

Didn't Cole tell Sky that he wasn't the one to murder her sister and that it was actually his father? He said that. He told us he said that, unless he lied to us.

Anyhoo, your description was fantastic! You're getting better already!

"Get in here boy!" he shouts

I can already tell this isn't gonna be good. Also, period at the end of this sentence.

"We've got a 17 year old caucasian male. Unconscious and badly beaten. Two cracked ribs, a broken nose and who knows what else. En route to Mercy Medical Center"

Ouch. And I guess I was right. Also, I shocked as to why Cole or Sky hasn't called Social Services or something. Why not call the police for child abuse? Just thoughts. *shrug*

"Skylar, hi, It's Dr. Yang" she says, her voice low and concerned.

No capitalization needed for the bold word. Unless you change the comma before it into a period. And if you won't do that, you've gotta change the bold word to this: it's.

Alright. All done with my review. I shall move on - oh wait, there's no more chapters. Dang it. Can you please post a new chapter soon? And tag me as well? I'd love to see what happens next!

Hope this review helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me whenever. You're doing an awfully good job and you're getting better, too!

And as always...

Keep on writing!


User avatar
28 Reviews

Points: 35
Reviews: 28

Tue Jul 16, 2019 8:48 pm
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gossipgirlxoxo says...

I can't wait for you guys to read this chapter. (also hello almost 2 years later.... )

Liberty says...

Hello, even though I wasn't here two years ago, lol. I'm glad to meet you. I've bee reading your story and it's great! Please tag me for the next chapter. Also, if you need any points - I see you're at a shortage - I can always lend you some!

Welcome back, by the way! <3

Seeing is believing, but feeling is the truth.
— Thomas Fuller