I like this! The premise is intriguing, to say the least. I think you've got the idea of a good plot down, so I'm going to focus on the writing itself:
To start, the bit with the fight is well-written. It's paced well, and the pain of the blows is actually brought out in a way that feels genuine but not exaggerated. That's something that can be hard to do, so kudos!
Your dialogue, unfortunately, is inconsistently punctuated. Just like there are punctuation rules for regular sentences, there are also punctuation rules for dialogue! This specifically regards dialogue that ends in phrases like "she said".
"What happened" I whispered
"He's been badly hurt." she says
These are both actually wrong. The mistake lies in how you end the quotation. One of them has a period, and the other has no punctuation mark at all! Direct speech should always end in a comma (or question mark, or exclamation mark, if applicable) and never a period if it's followed by "she said" or some other speaking verb. These sentences should both be written like this:
"What happened?" I whispered.
"He's been badly hurt," she says.
Incorrect dialogue punctuation can easily throw off experienced readers, so it's good to learn to do it properly. And its not difficult either -- a simple Google search will tell you everything you need to know!
It's also worth noting that "I whispered" is in past tense, but the rest of the story is in present tense. An easy mistake to fix, of course.
Slight nitpick:
running around my room like the tasmanian devil.
Using the Tasmanian devil as a metaphor here makes the scene seem a little too comedic, don't you think? Focusing on the seriousness would be better, in my opinion
Points: 13147
Reviews: 108
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