I’m underwater. Flashes of blue and green enter my eyes between blinks. I’m swimming I think. No, I’m drowning. As I struggle for air my arms flail above my head, fingers just scathing the surface. Am I alone? There’s no time to think because just then I see a boy, his muscular arms wrapped around me... and then nothing. I feel the faint warmth of lips locked on mine, a gush of wind going down my throat. I feel hands on my chest, up and down, up and down. Then the lips again. My eyes flutter open as I cough up the salty sea water. I try to sit up, but collapse. I fall into unconsciencesness again. This time when I awake I'm greeted by the bright lights of a hospital room.
I blink a few times to get used to the light and then look around. I try to sit up, but my arms are too weak. My mother sees this and rushes to my bedside laughing and crying that I'm awake.
"Skylar!" She says.
"Mom."
My voice is scratchy and low and I point to the glass of water on the bedside table. She reluctantly hands me the glass.
"The doctors say only tiny sips."
I close my cracked lips over the straw and draw out a small sip. The cold liquid feels refreshing in my mouth and I can't help but want more, after my second sip my mother takes the glass back. I shoot her an annoyed glance.
"Baby, look, I know it's good and you wan't it, I just want to make sure everything's alright." She says, concerned.
"I know, mom. I appreciate it." I say.
My mother rushes out of the room only to come back minutes later with my father. They both look like they've been to hell and back.
"Skylar!" My father rushes over to me and gives me a much too manly hug.
I whimper under his touch and he immediately releases and apologizes. My mother quickly intervenes.
"Sky, look, your father and I are going to run home for just a bit to grab some things, will you be alright?"
"Yes, of course Mom." They both kiss me on the forehead and then exit.
I look up at the clock on the wall. 4:15 PM. I'm exhausted. As I drift into unconciousness I notice a figure enter the room, but it's to late. I'm gone.
End of chapter
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140,682 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Heyo gossipgirl!
Hope you’re doing well today or tonight, obviously depending on what side of the world you’re on. I’m here to drop off a review! Let’s get right into it now, shall we? Alright.
So this was quite a short chapter. I like it. I like that beginning part, when she was unconscious and she was maybe “dreaming” all of it. I like it.
By the way, I saw a couple of mistakes that I’d like to correct for you.
You spelt the bold word incorrectly. This is how it’s spelt: unconsciousness.
Okay, so over here, the bold word is not really supposed to have an apostrophe at the end.
You spelt it wrong over here too, it’s supposed to be unconsciousness. And then the other bold word would be better off with another “o” at the end of it.
Alright, that’s it for my review! Hope this helped in one way or the other, and I’m off to read your next chapter. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Hey hey!
Okay, so obviously I'm a little late on a review, but I saw your title and I wanted to read a novel so as I came across a story called "Finding Destiny" I was pretty intrigued. So, I thought that I would read this and if I enjoyed it I would keep reading.
Let's just say that I am going to keep reading. You have really made me sorta get chained to this story. I know, that was probably not the best way to put it.... but still I think that you get the picture.
I have learned by reading books to never assume things, so I'm not going to assume anything. Which should make my journey through your novel more exciting and fun to read. I hope to make it through all of your published chapters, because just by reading chapter one I can tell that this story has insane potential and I need to read it.
I'm not used to reviewing novels. Poetry reviewing is more in my comfort zone, but I would like to expand on my reviewing and also type of writing. So, yeah, I'm not the greatest at reviewing novels... but I'm gonna try... so bare with me.
You are really good at attracting an audience by and appealing title, and then you also manage to sell the reader by starting with something exciting. I think that the scene that you have given the reader is not only exciting, but also attention grabbing. Which is exactly what you need! So, good job
I can tell that you have experience so I don't think I need to critique it that much, and I also can't find anything to critique. Anyway, I really enjoyed chapter one, and I can't wait to read more
Stay classy and write on.
-Annaclare
Hey! I'm going to review some of your story for Review Day.
I fall into unconsciencesness again.
It's spelt like this: unconsciousness.
"Baby, look, I know it's good and you wan't it, I just want to make sure everything's alright." She says, concerned.
You accidentally added some punctuation in want.
"Sky, look, your father and I are going to run home for just a bit to grab some things, will you be alright?"
This isn't really something that you need to change, but I find it strange that her parents would leave as soon as she wakes up.
I liked the beginning of the chapter, it was great to think that un unconsciousness person still has some senses. I enjoyed learning how she felt at that time. I'll be reading chapter two!
I really like this so far! Like others have said, I do think it moves a bit fast. I like how you used present tense because it made me feel more close to the story, if that makes sense. The only thing I would say it try to make your dialogue more believable. Take this part, for example:
"Sky, look, your father and I are going to run home for just a bit to grab some things, will you be alright?"
"Yes, of course Mom."
I feel like you could add some more emotion into this exchange between Skylar and her mom to make it seem more "real".
Maybe something like this? : "Your father and I are going to run home to get some things, honey," Mom says, her voice soft with concern. I nod, my body becoming overwhelmed with fatigue.
I don't know if I'm making any sense, just trying to help! I love this so much though... I can't wait to go read the rest that you already have posted! I was drawn in from the beginning, and I like how you began with a mysterious sequence. It definitely hooked me!
Yeah it did, which is why I slowed it down a bit in the further chapters. I'm glad you like it though and I hope you like the rest!
Told you I would come back to the beginning! Well, I like it! It does move along pretty fast though. I have that same problem. I seem to speed things along and so I don't have a whole lot of actual writing. I think with even more detail this story would be even better. I also think that using more higher level vocab words would help improve the story. But overall, I love the storyline and can't wait to read more!
I know, I really need to drag it out a bit more, but it's hard when you have so much in your head and you just wanna get it all out there before you forget you know?!
Hiya GossipGirl!
Just wanted to talk about your awesome beginning to a great story!
I was immediately captured by what was happening in the first paragraph. I have always struggled with beginnings and this is an awesome way to start! In this paragraph, I really admired your use of showing and not telling even if you do need to slow down the pace just a bit. The mystery of the guy was with me the entire way through the story wondering, "Who is he?" "Where did he come from?" "Where is he? I mean he saved Skylar!" This is awesome. Great job! You pulled me in and kept me wanting to know why Skylar was drowning and what will happen next. Slow down the pace just a bit if you wish, and you're golden!
Please, please, please write on my wall to inform me of the additions to this story. Happy writing!
I'm the same way with beginnings, I'm actually not sure how it turned out so good haha. I'm so glad you like it, though. I did realize I was going a bit fast and will draw it out a bit more, maybe add a subplot. I will definitely inform you of more, which should be in a few days, maybe even today if I get time to write.
Hey! what's up i'm just talk about your amazing story here.
now i personally think it was mostly flawless, also i think lycando was right about the scathing bit, you were trying to say scratching right? But i'm kinda confused towards the ending "i notice a figure enter the room, but it's to late. I'm gone." Dude you left me hanging, unless there is another chapter for the story. If there is forward it to me cause i cant wait to read it.
ttyl
nash
Thanks so much for reading, I'm flattered you like it
And Yes I will definitely be writing more to it, I just like to put the first chapters on here first so I can get an idea of what the readers would enjoy. I will let you know when I add the second chapter so you can read it.
Hello there! I'll be here to review your work!
"fingers just scathing the surface."
I think you meant to say "scratching" right? Scathing wouldn't sound right here :O
"I feel the faint warmth of lips locked on mine, a gush of wind going down my throat. I feel hands on my chest, up and down, up and down. Then the lips again. My eyes flutter open as I cough up the salty sea water."
Now this paragraph I like, it's very descriptive, and also paints the picture clearly. It's CPR, obviously, but the thing is the character seems very much aware of what is happening. Now I haven't done CPR before or had someone do it on me? But would the person be aware of it? o.o
"My mother sees this and rushes to my bedside laughing and crying that I'm awake."
Laughing and crying don't exactly go too well together here. Sometimes using a simpler word, just "seeing that I was awake" is good enough for this.
"They both kiss me on the forehead and then exit."
As I said before, using simpler words sometimes has a better effect. Exit in this case doesn't quite flow too well, "leave" even though it's a simple word, fits more into this sentence.
"I whimper under his touch"
Whimper? Not exactly the word I would use here. Whimper is more of a sound than a body movement. In this case I think the word you're searching for is cringe?
Now I really like this story, and I especially like the first part when Skylar got saved. You don't exactly describe everything in detail but the reader's able to guess what's happening. You're off to a good start, and maybe with some editing this could turn out better!
Lycando
I'm so glad you like it! And I originally wanted scathing, but you guys are right, I like scratching better. I've always had a problem with grammar, but I'm getting better. I'll be sure to fix it up c: Thanks for the review!