As I wake I notice the morning sun shining through the window. What? I slept until morning? I glance up at the clock which reads 9:15. I feel a bit uneasy and as I look around the room I know why. A boy, slouched over with his head resting on his hand is sleeping on a chair near my bed. He has jet black hair and you could see his muscles outlining underneath his shirt.
I immediately push the nurses button. A few moments later a perky red head with a badge reading Leslie walked in.
"Hi Skylar, I'm nurse Leslie. I see you called for me." she says, in a slight southern accent.
"Um, yeah. Who's that?" I point towards the boy in the chair.
"Oh him, he's been here everyday since you were admitted. Says his name is Cole."
Cole.
"Oh, okay. Thanks." I respond.
She turns and leaves, and I'm left alone. I turn in my bed and the crinkle of the sheets stirs Cole awake. He slowly opens his eyes, which are a pure blue. They were mesmorizing. I quickly glance away, feeling my cheeks warm as my blush settles in. I turn back and see he's staring straight at me. Then, as fast as he came, he got up and left.
About 20 minutes later my mother walks in with my father, apologizing that they weren't here earlier.
"Mom." I say
"Yeah, baby?"
"Who's that boy that's been here?"
"Oh, you two met, huh?" She says, eyeing me.
"Well, not exactly. When I woke up he was sitting there, then he woke up and just left."
"He's the boy that saved you."
Saved me? And then it hits me, the accident. I was only messing around, when the wave swooped me under. Before I could react arms were around me carrying me to the surface.
I sit up straight in bed, finding that my arms were much steadier. Just then, a tall doctor with slicked back blonde hair and gleaming white teeth enters the room. He looks over and smiles at me.
"Skylar, glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?" He says.
"Much better, thank you."
"Good to hear it, I have some good news. The tests we've been running say everythings fine and looks like you're ready to go home."
My mother gasps and smiles and thanks the doctor. She brings me my things from the closet and I quickly dress and turn to stand up. As I stand the rooms starts spinning and I have to sit down for a moment. When I get back up, I'm okay, and take shaky steps to leave the room. Once I'm out of the room I see Cole pacing the hallway. He sees me and freezes for half a second. Then confidently walks toward me.
Before I know what's happening I feel his arms around my neck and his lips pressed against mine. His breath his hot. I quickly push away.
"What the hell was that?!" I screech
His confidence vanishes, leaving behind a pained expression.
"I um, I'm sorry." He says, his voice low and scratchy.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"Cole. Cole Wright."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Heyo gossipgirl!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right into it, now, shall we?
Alright.
Dang. Who's the boy? He saved her? Also, just saying, but the backstory kinda confused me, which made me read it twice. Dunno if that's just me... But anyways, this was a great chapter! I love the descriptions you've given here. You're improving with that for sure.
So, I saw a couple of things I'd like to point out. Starting from the first thing.
You should definitely watch your tenses. Because you usually go from past to present which makes me go: Wait, whaaaat?
Ya know what I mean? Yeah. So you might wanna keep an eye on that. Not literally though. That'd be kinda weirdo.
Punctuation mark at the end of "say".
I would suggest putting a comma in between the two words that I have bolded.
The bold word right there needs to have an apostrophe before the "s".
Punctuation mark at the end of screech.
Okay, so she aredy asked the lady who Cole is. Why does she ask again? Maybe she forgot - I'm not sure. But I'm just pointing out. It kinda makes her seem weird for her to ask him when she already knows, lol. But I like the little cliffhanger you left at the end.
That's it for my review! Hope this helped in one way or the other, and I'm off to read the next chapter. Of course, of you've got any questions, feel free to ask.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Hey hey!
Okay, so I know who the boy from chapter now.... I think. Okay, to be totally honest, I don;t know that much about him at all. All I know is a little bit of his appearance, that he saved Skylar, and his name is Cole Wright. That's all I know, and while that may seem like a lot... it's not.
Now, I'm not upset about this at all. I like the mystery of this dude. I mean, what guy just kisses a girl out of nowhere? No guys I know. This guy is different. What kind of different? I'm not quite sure yet, but this guy named Cole makes me want to keep reading.
Also, I like the detail. You have managed to make this story a nice length and also have made it so I can sorta visualize what is going on. I really like that about this story. You know how to make a good balance. When I read this I don't feel like I'm reading an information book, or a have written story. I feel like I am reading a well rounded structure story with thought and time. Not only is that good, but I think that it really polishes the poem.
This story is amazing and I think that you have done an amazing job at capturing every moment to make this story special! I love it, and can't wait to read more
Stay classy and write on.
-Annaclare
Heeeeeey, I'm back again!
He has jet black hair and you could see his muscles outlining underneath his shirt.
Your tenses are conflicting here. He has jet black hair and you can see his muscles outlining underneath his shirt.
They were mesmorizing.
Mesmerising, or depending on where you live it's still spelt with a Z. But where you have an o, it should be an e.
I would like to know how Skylar feels when the nurse says that Cole has been there everyday. Does she feel happy about it? Or does she think that's creepy?
The tests we've been running say everythings fine and looks like you're ready to go home."
The tests we've been running say everything is fine.
His breath his hot.
His breath is* hot.
Great chapter, I'll keep reading!
This is an awesome follow up to your first chapter! I really enjoy how you realistically portray the characters' actions. Skylar is a great main character who seems to know herself. Cole is the perfect mysterious hot guy with some serious backstory. I cannot wait to see how it unfolds. One nitpick is to maybe spend more time on some of the events that happen in the story or maybe a more deep reaction from Skylar about them. Relate your readers to her more. I think we already like Cole more because of how confident he seems but how pained he actually is. I'd love to see the mom break out from the stereotypical "mother" part and maybe see something come out of that. Also, I'd like to know more about the world Skylar is living in. I am thinking it is just like my own but what is the setting besides the hospital and her house? Does she live in a place like Maine or Florida? I want to know. But that's just me. This story is awesome and there are very few, if any errors. Remember to not take my criticism so seriously for this chapter because it is only Chapter 2. The storyline/setting/characters will obviously mature and progress and become more complex as the story moves on.
Great job!
"there are very few, if any, errors." ...sorry! I just had to correct my mistake.
Hello there, I see this is the second part of the story! Time for a review!
Time for a little nitpicking.
The first sentence "As I awake", it doesn't seem to flow that well, "wake" would do just fine in this case.
Alright, this was slightly humorous but I didn't think you meant it that way.
"Hi Skylar, I'm nurse Leslie. I see you pushed my button."
The phrase "pushed my button" means to annoy someone. And I don't think the nurse was annoyed? Maybe use "I see you called for me"?
The last part is very well done. I like how Cole was so full of confidence at first but then it all goes away when Skylar snaps at him. Good job on that one!
That's about it from me, hope this review helps!
That first line got me too, I kept re-writing it but I couldn't figure out how to say it better. But I think I will just change it to a simple 'wake' and yeah you are right about the pushed my button thing. Thanks for the review and I'm glad you like it.
I haven't read the first chapter of this, but I think I will have to
I like how Cole is this mysterious hero. I like your writing style and description, and can't wait for you to continue this story. Cole seems like a sweetheart underneath all that mystery. I can tell that I'm going to like the rest of this story.
Thank you! I'm glad you like it. I can't wait to continue writing it, I have a lot more up my sleeve c: