Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Skylar's POV
He was the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen. It was a beautiful day at the beach. The waves were lapping up against the shore and then receding. It was mesmerizing to look at. As I looked over I could see Cole resting his hands on his head, my eyes scanning his body. Just then I noticed on his right arm, right where his sleeve came up by his elbow, I saw a big purple bruise. It was about the size of a rock and it looked black in the middle. I couldn't help but gasp.
"Oh my," I blurted out.
He noticed I saw and hurriedly tried to cover it up. I just couldn't help my self, so I reached out and traced my fingers over it. Next thing you know I lean over and plant a feather soft kiss over it. Careful not to press too hard. I could hear his faint intake of breath as I did it. I looked into what used to be his bright blue eyes, only to see them clouded with pain. I'd only just met this boy and yet we were acting like a damn couple.
I'd never been the type of girl to throw myself at guys. I mean I only ever had one serious relationship before and it hadn't ended well. Right now though, here, with Cole, I felt alive for the first time in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I have great parents and a good life, but I'd never felt like I had a purpose. My purpose now was Cole. No matter how long I'd known him I knew I never wanted to live without him.
I thought back to the hospital. His sweet, innocent face when he was sleeping. How cold I was when he kissed me, after everything he's gone through.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.
"I.. I just tripped down the stairs- you know?" He stammered.
I lifted my hand to his cheek and pulled so his gaze was directly into mine.
"You don't have to make excuses, I'm here for you. We WILL get help." I stated.
"Skylar, stop. You don't understand." He yelled.
I backed away, stunned at the force in his voice and his stone cold expression. I knew this wasn't just a trip down the stairs. This was something more. Something much more. And I'd do anything to keep him from harm, no matter what happened.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,034 Literary Works • 672,915 Reviews
Heyo!
I am back, but not for a review. Just a little comment.
BRO CHILL. SHE'S TRYING TO HELP, IDIOT. I HATE YOU.
Hey hey!
I think that the kiss Skylar gives shows Cole that she cares and that she likes him... a lot.
Alright, I have to admit I like this story... a lot! I think that this chapter has a little humor in it. At the beginning at this chapter I like how Skylar described them. how they had only just met and how they were acting like a couple. I chuckled a little whether you meant that to be funny or not I found a little humor in that.
One huge reason I love this chapter is because you can start to see that not only does Cole like Skylar, but Skylar likes Cole. I like how you changed the point of view back to Skylar and I love the personality traits I can see in her through this chapter.
I love the way you describe the gentle kiss that Skyler gives Cole. I like how through this action so many words are being spoken, even though I picture this moment as actually silent (if that makes any sense at all)
I like how realistic their conversation is. I think that Skylar is legitmatley concerned, and Cole is trying to hide the pain... the story... of this bruise and try to stay strong. So, with these two opposing views of being strong and hidden and being vulnerable and showing weakness makes a conflict.
Again, you have ended with a cliffhanger! I love your style of written by keeping your reader tied in until the very end. As I read more I feel like I am slowly falling in love with the idea of them being a couple, i just hope that this whole secret bruise conflict ruins that... I need to read more!
Stay classy and write on.
-Annaclare
It was mesmerizing to look at.
In a previous chapter you spelt mesmerising wrong. XD It must've been just a typo.
Just then I noticed on his right arm, right where his sleeve came up by his elbow, I saw a big purple bruise.
You can get rid of the I saw, it isn't necessary. Also, rocks come in all different sizes, so clarify- is it the size of a big rock, small pebble?
I'd only just met this boy and yet we were acting like a damn couple.
I love the frustration and humour in this sentence.
"Skylar, stop. You don't understand." He yelled.
I suggest that, if he's yelling, you use an exclamation mark instead of a full stop.
Those are all the nitpicks I can find!
Back for more!
I liked this chapter again! Now we get to see some of the intimacy between the two characters, and we can see how they've started to build a relationship. And we briefly pick up some of Skylar's past lover-history as well.
It's something that's pretty hard to see when you're writing your own stories, but having the same words used in vocabulary can seem a bit boring. Unless your meaning to make that word stand out it's best to avoid it. I almost always make this mistake too, it's so much easier to share your work and have someone else point it out for you! For this case the 'beautiful' could be replaced with something else. If you want to you could even find a synonym online (or use the good old thesaurus.)
[/quote]on his right arm, right where his sleeve came up by his elbow[/quote]
This is me again mentioning the previous point with the word 'right'. You could change his arm to it being his left arm, unless it being his right arm has some certain significance. If it does you could simply cut the second use of the word 'right' altogether, because it isn't entirely necessary. The sentence works just fine without it too
Having sentence fragments can work, unless the line fits perfectly onto the end of the previous one. In cases like that, why not just keep them together? Like here, you could just take out the full stop and replace it with a comma. It works with the flow and rhythm of the story too.
You've really captivated me. Cole's keeping secrets and I can't wait to find out what the bruises mean, and why he has them. It must be something big or he wouldn't be so mysterious about them. Looking forwards to it!
When you post the next chapter, please let me know on my wall or something! I would love to follow through with the story and read it
Deanie x
interesting... I really am intrigued about how he got those bruises. You can write longer posts.
I'm so glad that I got to read this first. I had been actually waiting for this because this story was so interesting to me. I completely love what you have done with the characters, they are completely believable. I just wish that you had written more so that I could read more, but it happens right.
I didn't see any grammatical errors or spelling errors. You seem to know what you're doing. Your characters are strong and I love that.
I'm so sorry. I wanted to write so much more, but I feel like If I did that I wouldn't stop and it would end up being a 10 page post haha!
I totally understand. I write long segments of work.