Edit: Line spacing fixed. Better.
I went through a really hard time in the latter part of my senior year in highschool. The result was a bit of writing, much of it depressing. This is somewhat in the style of Dr. Seuss (the conversational poetry part, not the nonsensical part) and I'm not sure if I should divide it into stanzas or not. Also, some of the wording might need changing--I haven't revisited this in quite a while.
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Hi!
How are you?
I’m doing just fine.
No really, it’s the truth—
don’t look at me like it’s a lie!
I’ve got it all together, can’t you see?
I can take care of everything—
don’t worry about me.
No really, don’t bother—
I don’t want your help.
I prefer it, really, being all by myself.
I have more time to think, and can do as I please--
It doesn’t matter that I’ve fallen to my knees!
No, really!
You don’t have to be there.
I’ve seen your actions, you don’t really care!
My tears are all that have gained your sympathy.
And you claim to be my friend?
Fool!
I remember when you didn’t stand next to me.
You cared more about the opinions of others--
You didn’t even notice that I was being smothered.
I can stand on my own,
I’m not a baby.
So just leave me alone,
and maybe,
just maybe,
when everything’s rosy,
and fine,
and grand,
we can play together…
my flighty,
fickle,
fair-weather friend.
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Canary word: Present
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139,467 Literary Works • 672,571 Reviews
Nice poem I like it
I can totally relate on both ends. This was good. The flow was nice. I especially liked how it kind of went from calm to angry. Good job.
Hi again! Expect me to be annoying you quite a bit, lol. What can I say? Scholarships are awesome and I want you to winnnnn.
Anyway, just a couple of thoughts! I think you kind of missed a big thing that would have made this poem sooo much more interesting and stuff. For example, you say that you are fine, but then you sort of flip flop and show that you're NOT fine. Besides being passive aggressive, this means that you really don't take advantage of the power that is inherent of poetry, plus you missed out on a chance for a cruel ironic effect to be used... always a sad thing!
For example, what if you said something like:
Yes, I'm doing just fine, how could you guess?
Today was a great day -- the sun, it shined and warmed my back
so that the blood from the stab wound dried fast:
fresh blood, it dripped from the bottom of my neck and
slithered down my spine, tickling the small of my back as it spread
thick black blood branching into thin snakes of red
now dried on my back, too hot to hiss,
too emaciated to fight.
Don't act surprised -- do you think I didn't see the knife
you held by your side?
OKAY. I AM A CRAP POET. And, apparently I have snakes on my brain... which is the sequel, I guess to "Snakes on a Plane"? Whatever. The fact is, you can twist it so that it can be suuuuuuuuper crazy wild. See, this is the power of poetry. You don't have to stick with the realistic. You can, of course, but you can also make everything all crazy.
Anyway, don't be afraid to be creative. I think that's the main message of this review, lol.
This was good, but DEFINITELY put it into stanzas!!! It was really hard to read. Also, you should use " if it's talking.
Oh ! What a poem ! At first, it was kind of confusing 'cause it started with two voices. SO to answer your question yes, I really think you should put it in stanzas. It would be ten times better
I know how you feel, that sntiment you have when a friend lets you down 
But don't worry. One day the sun will shine in your face 
...(if it hasnt already?!) :/ ...keep writing..(again) -__-