[spoiler]Posting now. Explaining later. *sleeps*[/spoiler]
Little drops of moondust
Sprinkling on the floor
Feet go pitter-patter
Stepping with great care--
Daddy now is sleeping,
So hush--I'll read to you
Which one?
Sleeping Beauty?
She sighs, then follows through.
Why must we be quiet?
Why'd we have to wait?
I wish mommy would read to me
When daddy's still awake.
Little drops of moondust
Trickling down the shore
Feet go running, faster--
Like the fairies of old lore
Daddy now is sleeping,
"Safe" at home in bed.
Wishful minds go thinking--
If only he were here.
Still, they know it's better
That he's nowhere near.
Why must we be quiet?
Why'd we have to wait?
Why can't we go in daytime?
Why won't Daddy come and play?
Little drops of moondust
Trickling down once more
Feet are still forever--
Though her heart still beats within.
Daddy now is sleeping,
And he makes no noise.
I know I should feel sorrw--
I only rejoice
Why could you not love me?
Why'd you take her, too
She, only she, loved me--
Daddy-- I hate you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,758 Reviews
Very loverly
I didn't see anything really, except maybe this part here:
------------------------------------------
Why must we be quiet?
Why'd we have to wait?
I wish mommy would read to me
When daddy (is) still awake.
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I think it might rhyme better if you put is, instead of "daddy's".
That is the best I could do,
Rainn
I like it.
I found no errors with this (possible) exception:
'Which one?
Sleeping Beauty?
She sighs, then follow through.'
I think 'follow' is supposed to be 'follows,' but I'm not entirely sure.
Other than that...
Not bad.
*Crosses fingers and hopes img tags work in reviews*
I am confused about the prospect of this poem. There are many possibilities about what could be going on with the main character's father in this poem. 1) He is at war. 2) He is violent. 3) He is never "really" awake. I have to admit that it confused me a bit.
Me, being the reader, I could also assume that the family lives in fear or some location where they are forced to be quiet all the time.
Overall, the poem is quite vague, but it is also benefiting the reader. I like something that makes me think. Part of the joy of reading is being able to make predictions and inferences.
Nice job. I think it was quite an intricately written poem. Keep writing.
I like how you keep tying in the moondust with the rest of the poem. For me, the moondust represents the little girl using her imagination to escape from the fact that her current situation isn't very desirable. She misses her daddy, who is out of the picture.
Then somehow things seem to change, which makes me think that this poem is about a little girl growing up. Maybe first her dad is there, then he leaves, then by the end of the poem he is dead? It says "he is sleeping and he makes no noise" which leads me to believe he is dead. I'm not sure.
Interesting poem. It tells a story and confuses me at the same time lol