Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Been a while. Trying to wrangle this poem into the form I want it to take. The general thought is present, but it's not coming out right. Will attempt to review back in a timely manner for anyone who leaves a comment.Thanks.
Fuck being strong.
Be weak.
Build a sculpture with your bones and
use your entrails to create
brilliant tapestries
and
use your blood to paint
a masterpiece.
Those around will learn from you,
mock you,
identify with you,
curse you,
thank you,
become inspired
by you.
This is the way of humans.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I thought it was very beautiful! Wow. To me the poem was like an artist putting themselves, all the dirty and dark places in full view to be judged. It truly is the way of humans, to judge others for their darkness. We all work so hard to hide it.
I was going to critique your use of "be weak" because I don't think it is weak to do this, because leaving yourself open to judgement is very strong. Yet on the other hand, being strong or "macho" as society views it is holding in your emotions, and artists we use our emotions as a canvas.
In other words, you did do what you set out to do. Shock and awe to evoke a response from people. In a sadistic way this is hauntingly magical to read. I can't say what needs to be changed, because I think this is very in your face and says what it wants to say, maybe you wanted to be more subtle and poetic? Personally I think the bluntness works based on what you are trying to convey. If you think this poem is choppy or ugly then do as your poem says and find the beauty in it, as I have. Either way I can't wait to see the end product.
Thank you!
Some
poems
are
kinda
choppy
Some poems have more flow, there's more sentence structure and basically what's separating it from prose is how "poetic" the writing is, I am not explaining this very well but it looks more like this.
I was struggling to figure out how to form the idea I want to convey. It's possible for the same idea to have many different forms.
I've basically rewritten this today, and I'm partially happy with it. Whaddya think? Edit this, or make a new post? I'm thinking just copy/paste this onto my page and link to it, then replacing this with the updated version.
Well this seems to be a very abstract poem. Are you refering to the tendency of people to believe in the notion that emotional release is a sign of weakness? To me it seems like either that or you are talking about the censorship of artistic expression. Or maybe both. In a more literal and darker sense it may be about martyring yourself through suicide? The comparison of oppisites gets the job done. The grammer is good. The loose structure works. Good job. Keep writing.
It's about things that people perceive as awful actually being beautiful. Thanks for the review!