......I was depressed in highschool, ok? And 'm posting the stuff I've written so I can (hopefully) improve on it.
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I'm in this place again
Can't escape
What is this dream again?
Why can't I wake?
It's not a nightmare
But I'm so scared
Something dark is lurkng there
Here I am again
I'm lost, but I pretend
That I'm alright,
I hide my fright
And make my way
through another sleepless night....
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The end...... Or is it? O.o I think I feel a song here......
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hello there, PuffyWuffy!!
I had this poem in my reading list for a long time so I finally decided to give it a look. Yet another good poem by ya! *applauds* But, it had some flaws, like all poems in this universe. And I did point it out but I found that you had received enough reviews but then also I did one. xD
A simple, yet good, start to the poem. But the second totally ruins the flow which was building and makes the reader want to pause forcefully. It feels as words spoken by a person who is taking his last breaths. xD Make it a complete sentence. Like: “that I can’t escape”. The third line doesn’t tend to explain anything. Are you asking someone about the dream? It feels so! In the last line there’s a spelling mistake which has already been pointed out by the other reviewers but then also I’ll point it out. It’ll be “lurking” instead of “lurkng”.
Hey!! In the previous stanza you said that you were in a dream and you say that you make your way through another sleepless night. *confuzzled* If you are having sleepless nights, then how can you have dreams which are not nightmares but are uncomfortable for you? You need to sleep to have dreams. And one more thing, try not using ellipsis in your poems. It’s disturbs the flow and the concentration and it was not at all needed there.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
I'm in this place again and
Can't escape add a period here
What is this dream again? You shouldn't use 'again' and 'again' twice so closely. It really messes up the 'flow' of the poem a lot.
Why can't I wake?
It's not a nightmareadd a comma here
But I'm so scared
Something dark is lurking there don't you mean, here? Because you're already in 'this place' you're already 'there'.
Here I am again add a comma here
I'm lost, but I pretend lovely rhyme, kudos
That I'm alright,
I hide my fright
And make my way
through another sleepless night.... You're already dreaming though.. you've already stated that
Good job, good luck, and keep writing!
-KatTrain
Pretty well written. I really like the imagery and the super-dark feel of the poem. Since it's so short, maybe consider expounding on the dark something that is lurking in your dreams... Just a thought.
This is good Anime you seem to have a dark poem or mood here I guess XD. Good job and Happy Writing. Keep up the good work and may you receive many helpful reviews. It really is good. Haha.
Soulkana<3
That was really well written.