Edit: changed some things. No idea why I went with a French title--I thought of "Raison d'etre" or however you spell it, and...voila?
Another old one--inspired by my own life and dark thoughts at that time, but not all of it is true.
~~~
Old version:
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello there Niraco here to review this fine day. Firstly I would like to apologize for any mistakes as I am on a mobile and the keyboard is rather tiny.
Anyway, I don't know much French so I cannot really comment on the title. I do admire the mix of languages which has been done before but I always find it grabs readers rather quickly.
I read both the old and new poems but I'll only be reviewing the newest as the two are similar but I like the new version the most.
I love the opening. Onomatopoeia is a amazing and underused technique which does wonders for a poem.
Your last stanza I found to be the most powerful:
I love dark this poem feels as it evokes a deep sympathy within readers. I'm sure some peole will sadly relate an awful lot with this poem.
All in all a bitter sweet poem. Happy writing!
Ahaha, thanks.
Next time, though, it's okay to leave pieces from two years ago alone. xD
Wow I didn't know that this was written so long ago.
xD that's okay! It's confusing when you're new. The date's in the top left corner, right under the title.
That is the first time I've noticed it. Oops.
Haha don't worry about it. ^__^
Loving the French title.
That is why I decided to read this piece.
So... the old version.
I really like this. Your vocabulary.
'Pounding, pounding
Thoughts resounding' - this section has really good, the rhythm is great I think.
'Flouting.' I < 3 this word and I don't know why I just do.
The rhetorical question at the end of the original: '...how can you hide from fear?'
Then... the new version.
'I close my ears, but still I hear
Catching voices,
Shrieking screams--
Is this really just a dream?'
I find this really cheesy.
Out of the two, I definitely preferred the original.
I have to admit, I was a little disappointed, I was excited to see a French work, but it was in English! If you kept the original version and made a French translation of it, then I think it would be absolutely wonderful.
But that, is up to you.
Dude, I don't know French. xD And, um, next time there's a review day--I assume that's why you're here? It's usually better to go after the works in the Green Room, rather than the older ones (unless it's specially requested). It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just--this is from 2011! xP
Pup!
The lingering question at the end made me think to come across with a conclusion on my own. This new draft...well to be honest, it confused me at parts, you know? If this is about insomnia, why mention dreams at all?
Alright so I gave you my general thoughts last night. The piece has an overall musicality to it that is pleasing to the ear, the rhythm you've captured quite well. There doesn't seem to be much difference from your original draft, except of course the ending bit. I am curious why you decided to change the sentiments...?
I actually felt that the ending in the original draft was stronger than the revised draft xD Possibly because it dealt with the idea of trying to escape fear and then being unable to. Your title adds a somewhat deeper quality to this idea because it presents a reason for insomnia (fear) and the fear of insomnia itself (you can't escape it because you can't even sleep!). I like the duality of these ideas - while not expressed or explored too much in the poem itself - coupled with the title, it's a pretty neat combination how the title presents the poem as the nature of insomnia and the poem itself talks only of fear and the inability of escaping it.
Now in the revised draft you played it safe. Almost as if you wanted to spell out those sentiments I expressed earlier ^ Except they only come across as weaker and vague ideals. The way that you explicitly state: This is why the speaker stays awake - it makes me want to backtrack, like...wait a second, what is it exactly that you're referring to? I say this all the time but give your readers credit. Don't spell things out for them. Your first draft, ironically, was more clear
That's not to say that your original drafts didn't have its holes either. (You can't really close your ears) but it seemed more heart-felt. So yeah, my suggestion is to go with your original draft, but revise the problem parts.
Now that that's been said. Let's take a look at the nitpicks. So the first time I read this, I thought to myself - wow! Four stanzas in two sentences. Periods are okay. Don't be afraid of them.
Okay so right away there's a subject-verb agreement error in the last line. Voices - plural. Needs a plural verb tense. There also shouldn't be a comma after voices. You have a subject-verb: voices seem. There is no pause between them. That aside...
Imagine this is prose. How do you want this to read? A reader's national inclination is a slight pause after each line. So this is how I read it naturally: "Pounding, (comma pause) pounding (slight pause) thoughts resounding (slight pause) voices seem like they're all shouting (bigger pause because it's the end of a stanza)"
But the way that you've actually written it is like so: "Pounding, (comma pause) pounding thoughts resounding (line pause) voices seem like they're all shouting. "
Do you notice the difference? It is slight. Because there is no comma after the second 'pounding' I am to assume that this is an enjambment and the line runs into the next. I'm not sure exactly how you mean it to sound. I know how I naturally want to read it, but the way that you've written it conflicts with the way that I naturally want to read it - and I'm not sure whether or not this is intentional. Either way is correct. I'm just pointing out the difference.
The periods I added for grammar's sake.
Okay, so right away this breaks from the first stanza. I wonder why "flouting" gets a line on its own, and it's not "Flouting rules of courtesy" in one line? I mean. It's a verb... It's not like it's a noun. Why is it standing on its own? That aside - I love the use of flouting here. Love that word choice.
Okay. This is just a suggestion but all this I + verb is making me bored. You can try varying a little. So that your third/fourth(?) line reads: "Eyes shut tight, but still I see" (?) It's just a small edit, but I feel it kind of helps the structure move a bit better and avoids the "I + verb" repetition. It shouldn't mess with flow either.
Is 'catching' really the word you want to use here? Does it describe voices?
The last line is kinda weak in my opinion. I mean, if this is really insomnia it can't really be a dream, right? Seems like a forced-rhyme, however skillfully it is woven in. You can keep "dream" there and find something else - or "seem" is a good alternative, right? Nothing is quite as it seems? *shrugs* You can do better. I'm just prattling.
I've already told you about which ending I liked better ^_^
I was hard on you, but I feel this poem deserves a proper look-over. The sentiments expressed in this are rather interesting and the way that you've formatted it made for a lot of movement. It reminds me of a swaying lullaby of sorts, which fits with the theme. Sort of. So! Keep writing, and if you have any questions, you know where to find me. Ta!
- As always Audy
This was good. It flows nicely. Plus, I don't think it needs to be any longer. It's good the way it is and it's to the point.
helloo!!
*bamboozler hug*
At first I want to say that this is a great write..I really like this as a poem on its own..It may be short but it has a lot of meaning to it!
Maybe you should consider to add another line to your three first lines because you did that in your second part and third part of the poem too.
But other than that: great write!!
-qaralynn-
Great poem, I really liked it! It has a nice flow and made my heart beat faster. It is also very thought provoking which I like!
Keep writing,
~FW~
Hello there pup.
It was a good poem. I liked it. It had a deep meaning to it. You had no specific rhyme scheme to your piece but then also it had a great flow but flow was off at a few places but I guess that happens. I know how hard can it get to rhyme stuff and to keep it in a flow at the same time. It is a headache. But you did a great job in that. Bravo!
Now time for the nitpicks.
O yeah, one thing more. Where are all the punctuations except a question mark and two commas? Or was the poem supposed to be like that?
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:
What I love about this poem is the rhythm and rhyme! There is nothing better than a good poem that flows well. Very good. Can't wait to read more from you!
Hi, this is the first item I have commented on, and I absolutely love this piece of work !
I love the fact tha it is one of the few poems that you could read lightly, but also has a lot of depth to it!
You are a really good writer and I am rather looking foreward to following your works !
Thank you ver much for this lovely read,and may you hopefully keep on writing for years to come .
I really like it. You've captured the emotion in a very beautiful way. It's got good rhythm to it.
Hello.
First of all, who is your avatar? Must. Stalk. Haha.
I love your use of rhythm. It's not often I come across a poem on here with such a solid use of rhythm. It was oddly apt for your poem as well. The first two repeating sounds set the beat for the poem and to me it sounded like the footsteps of your greatest fear come to life. As I said, apt for the poem.
In your 3rd stanza, did you mean to repeat 'my'? It sounded odd so I assumed it was a typo.
Anyway, aside from that, I found your images a little scattered. I guess it can fit the whole panicked feel when you're afraid but I found your imagery a little cliche and bland. I guess I was hoping for more vivid imagery since you are tackling fear which should inspire more images than cries and screams. I'm not looking for gore or what not. Just something different. Your images reminded me of clips from countless horror movies and I think fear can be depicted in so many other different ways.
I think you made a right decision not to add the poem in the spoiler. The rhythm you had was lost in that bit and as far as imagery is concerned, I don't think it would have added much either.
But, I still think this is a great poem. You had solid images though a little cliche horror movie like. Your rhythm is fantastic and really overall, this was very well executed.
--Nixie