We met at the olive wood, you and I,
when you were sick and I was lonely.
We found company there, you and I--
but not in each other.
You preferred the grass and trees,
while I preferred the sun and sky.
You preferred climbing and running,
while I preferred sitting and thinking.
We were old there, you and I,
old before our time.
We didn't know it then, but we would die slowly,
locked in each other's arms.
Mother said it was a good match.
We complemented each other--
or so it seemed.
I never paid much heed.
Father pretended it didn't exist,
He smoked his pipe and read,
till that one day in white--
he got all misty-eyed and kissed my cheek.
You didn't want to love anyone;
you were content with running and climbing.
I was a convenience;
an agreement made to stop motherly nagging.
I didn't think much of you,
but you worked hard.
It would be nice, I thought,
to have someone else pay for my things.
You always made good money,
so that worked out.
I bought books, a library full--
and you were glad because this kept me quiet.
We were lonely together, you and I,
and one night it ached too much.
We locked arms and drifted off,
never to rise again.
Hi there.
I like the subject matter and the narration. It's an interesting concept that I'm sure many people can say that they've been in a situation similar to this one. I like especially the idea that the couple was lonely together. Your images, if not breathtaking, serve their purpose in the poem.
The thing that I would most like to address here is your rhythm. I kept wanting it to fit into my head neatly, but it wouldn't quite do that. I feel like the problem is the repetition of the "you and I" every once in a while. "you and I" by itself has a nice, lilting rhythm, but stuck on the end of nonrhythmic lines, it only gives me an itch for rhythm that this poem doesn't scratch. If you cut out the "you and I"'s, I think the poem would be much improved.
Compared to the rest of your poem, this bit is sappy and cliche. How many times have star-crossed lovers died while holding each other? Too many.
You've got a slant rhyme going in the fifth stanza, and it's not doing it for me. Also, I feel like the wedding could serve as a larger image in the poem than just two lines.
I like the second to last stanza the best because it shows... something. It doesn't show that the speaker loves him, but that the speaker is grateful for what he gave her, no matter what. It's a comforting stanza (that's the way I feel about it, anyway). The line "so that worked out" bothers me, though. It sounds a little too... modern? compared to the rest of the poem, which sounds almost antiquated. I don't know if those are quite the words I'm looking for, but you get the idea, right? The line doesn't fit.
Altogether, I quite enjoyed reviewing this poem. I hope you found this helpful. Keep writing.
Wow! Beautiful! Amazing! This is one of the few poems that flows smoothly and glides through my mind.
I would love to chirp you one shot and give you the review that would make a man out of you but I am just so sorry...... Everything is too perfect. It spoke volumes in such a simple bland way.
I am from this point on a MASSIVE fan of your work
The mom, the dad, the boy, the girl...... the perfect ingredients for perfection
I apologize for how rusty I am. As you read this, I'm sure you can hear my nuts and bolts grinding with rust. That said, I liked this - and didn't. Which means you did a good job. Let's get started.
Your symbolism starts on the first line, which is an automatic intro-win for me. It proves that you don't need to waste any time with building up to real metaphors. That said, your motif of being beneath peace with and without each other is detached and so close to making me feel for the narrator - but you don't bring me in that extra few yards to catch my full attention. Your job is to get inside my feels, so let's talk about theories.
My strongest poetic belief is that flow is the key to feeling. If you believe this, then adhere to a request for change in flow and structure in several places. Examples:
1. The repetition in stanza one of "you and I" gives you this unsavory effect that renders into a nearly-rhythmic style that doesn't work because it isn't rhythmic, but isn't not rhythmic. Essentially, it's clunky, and would benefit immediately from the excess being chopped off. I suggest the second instance.
2. You [maybe subconsciously] inserted slant rhyme into stanza four, and it didn't mesh as rhyming should, though you could attack this in a completely different way by resetting the sequence of wording, fixating the attention of the reader on a particular line that you want to bring to the surface. This is what rhyme can do - and I would like it in this instance (which is in reference to seemed / heed) - but they occur within such tight quarters to one another that you rush the reader's tongue, and lose the attention. That said, if you don't want attention on the fact that the narrator didn't pay heed to their complementary nature, then ignore this and just correct the flow. For this, I suggest reading aloud until your mouth dries out.
For content, you get a thumbs-up from me - the narration is there, the subtle hints of a cover story, and the very, very faint ache of a faux broken heart. Just because you are aware you'll fail doesn't mean that failing hurts any less, amirite?
Stanza four could be repurposed into further narration - I'd like to see more story between the two of them. It may work. Try it.
Message me and we'll talk about this. Good job.
-Ty