z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire - Frozen Past - Chapter Ten

by felistia


What’s she going to do with us,’ Zoltar thought, his talons shaking with fear.

He stood frozen with fear before the Queen. She stared intently at him as if trying to obtain information from his mind. Blinking once she shifted her gaze, her menacing golden eyes locking onto Felistia's, who'd seemed to have gained some energy and was glaring at the Queen with pure hatred.

"Felistia," The Queen drawled, spreading her wings to full height, causing the millions of silver scales to sparkle in the sun light filtering through the ceiling above. "It's a pleasure to see you again, little sister." She hissed in false greeting.

Zoltar stood speechless. 'Sister?'

"The pleasure is all yours, Shiler," Felistia snarled angrily through her mouth clamp, straining against the chains holding them to the floor. Her claws scrapping the smooth ice floor as Shiler glared at her with a look of annoyance. "And don't call me little sister. Not anymore. Not after what you did."

“Please, you would have done it if you were in my position. Any Ice Talon would. Kori wasn't running the kingdom like a proper Ice Talon should." Shiler growled with a note of irritation, arching her neck like a snake about to strike.

“But she was your sister,” Tears were welling in Felistia eyes as she growled, “And just because she didn’t want war for our kingdom doesn’t mean she was a bad Queen. She was looking out for our people.”

Shiler rolled her eyes and yawned, “Oh Felistia. You poor, foolish dragonet. You don’t make your kingdom the most powerful dragon tribe in the land by keeping the peace. The Wind Talons were weak, even with their precious Lightning Diamond. Their land was ripe for the picking, but Kori wanted to keep the peace,” Shiler said mockingly, “She had to go.”

Felistia glared at Shiler, but didn’t say anything more as her chest heaved with suppressed sobs.

Shiler bared her teeth in a sadistic smile, “Well now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I must get onto the business at hand,” She paused, the rage building in her eyes before she barked, "What are you doing here? I told you to never come back and yet here you are. Why?"

Felistia remained silent, tears still streaming down her snout. Zoltar longed to walk over and comfort her, but his chains held him in place.

"Fine then," Shiler breathed, her tail lashing from side to side. She slowly stood up, letting her eyes dart from Felistia to Zoltar. "I see you chose to bring a friend. A Shadow Talon no less. How’d you manage that?"

Her glittering snake like eyes fell on Zoltar, who immediately felt like a rat cornered by a large cat, "What a shame for him. I hear Shadow Talons can only last a week in the ice talon kingdom before they die a painful death when their fire dies."

She smiled wickedly as she walked up to Zoltar, her long tail trailing behind her. She circled around him, purring like a big cat, while Zoltar cowered under her steel glare, "I'm going to enjoy seeing Felistia's face as she watches you die." She growled quietly, running a serrated claw gently down his snout while snarling. "Then I'm going to execute her seeing that she insists on disobeying her Queen.”

Felistia didn't even flinch and simple turned away from the queen, her tail curled over her chains. But the remake turned Zoltar's blood cold as the queen's glittering gold eyes pierced his.

"You can't k-k-kill me." Zoltar stuttered fearfully, trying to squish the trembling in his voice. "The S-s-shadow talons will attack the palace if you do." He instantly regretted saying anything. Even he could hear how pathetic he sounded. The Shadow Talons were the weakest dragon tribe in Megalonia. They would have been wiped out by a rival dragon tribe long ago if it hadn’t been for their land not being worth the effort.

"Pha. You think I'm scared of a bunch of scrawny Shadow Talons. Please, they'd be crushed like little pansies under my army’s claws. Your tribe is nothing. I'm afraid there's no hope for you or Felistia here." She hissed cruelly, her crown of horns gleaming like knife blades as she lifted her head and roared, "Guards!"

Instantly the same two guards from before marched into the room. They bowed once they had entered as they waited for Shiler's commands.

"Take these two to the prison, I'll deal with their fates later." Shiler instructed, flicking her tail as she shot a mocking smile at Felistia, who ignored her as she and Zoltar were led away.

As he was led out the room, Zoltar's eyes caught on a glass case embedded into the wall on the far corner of the room. His heart skipped a beat as he realized that resting inside the casket was a sparkling snow blue diamond. The Queen’s Ice Diamond. It was here.

Zoltar's head was whirling as the guards led them through the winding corridors of the palace back to their cell. Shiler was Felistia's sister. How could she not had told him this? He’d have never let her go her own way if he’d known this. Maybe that was part of the reason why she hadn’t told him.

These thoughts kept spinning around and around his head, so much that he barely noticed the guards stopping in front of the dark iron door and unchaining his and Felistia's muzzles. But when the door was unlocked and opened with a screech like thousands of dragons being tortured, Zoltar snapped into attention.

He had only a few days to think off and execute an escape. The Queen had said that she was going to wait for him to succumb to the cold before she killed Felistia. He had five days to escape.

The guards closed the door behind them, leaving Zoltar and Felistia chained to the hoops in the floor. At least their muzzles were off for the moment. The hard iron had begun to rub his scales around his snout raw.

He looked over at Felistia. She was hunched over in the corner crying softly.

Zoltar couldn’t imagine how she felt. It was one thing to lose your family, it was another to have them betray and want to kill you.

If his chain hadn’t been so short he would have reached over and stroked her with his wing, but she was too far for him to reach. He’d just have to wait until she’d let out her sorrows. Then he could talk to her about their escape.


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Sat Aug 08, 2020 6:57 pm
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SpiderFingers wrote a review...



That was a twist! I never expected the queen to be Felistia’s sister, and the story behind Felistia’s exile and how Shiler came to power definitely addressed a lot of the questions I had concerning Felistia’s past.

Shiler obviously likes the idea of war and her powerful army, which makes me wonder even more how Zoltar is going to pull-off an escape. I didn’t realize beforehand what the cold would do to him. It’s a creative and unique concept that his fire would burn out. Now he’s got only five cold days to escape the prison and hopefully get the Ice Diamond as well! It adds to the suspense and the writing continues on to an intense climax.

Zoltar’s inner bravery quietly pulls him through, despite how much trouble the two are presently in. I got Shiler’s personality in only the first few sentences of dialogue. Nice work at crafting the new character. I feel sorry for Felistia; the poor dragon has obviously been through a lot in her lifetime, but her friendship with the kind and thoughtful Zoltar is sure to help her regain her courage.

Overall, nice work on this chapter!

~Spider~




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Thu Jun 18, 2020 10:34 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

Marching on with the reviewation

First Impression:

Review mind: WOW!! Big twist there with Felistia and it looks like we now have a bit of a deadline to get out of there. And lovely portrayal of the Ice Talon Queen. Her personality is very clear in the once scene we get.

Theorist mind: HOLY MOTHER OF MACARONI!!! *falls of chair* Time to confess. My theory was that Felistia was the sister of the Ice Talon queen and Felistia was kicked out by the current queen who set her up because Felistia was a threat to the throne. I can't believe I was right about Felistia being her sister. *does happy dance*

“Please, you would have done it if you were in my position. Any Ice Talon would. Kori wasn't running the kingdom like a proper Ice Talon should." Shiler growled with a note of irritation, arching her neck like a snake about to strike.


Instantly makes here personality very clear.

You don’t make your kingdom the most powerful dragon tribe in the land by keeping the peace. The Wind Talons were weak, even with their precious Lightning Diamond. Their land was ripe for the picking, but Kori wanted to keep the peace,” Shiler said mockingly, “She had to go.”


Okay, so this sounds like there's a power struggle going on here but none of the other tribes have mentioned any of that. But then the tribes we've met so far don't seem like tribes that most of Megalonia care about.

"Fine then," Shiler breathed, her tail lashing from side to side. She slowly stood up, letting her eyes dart from Felistia to Zoltar. "I see you chose to bring a friend. A Shadow Talon no less. How’d you manage that?"

Her glittering snake like eyes fell on Zoltar, who immediately felt like a rat cornered by a large cat, "What a shame for him. I hear Shadow Talons can only last a week in the ice talon kingdom before they die a painful death when their fire dies."


Why doesn't she even think to ask what Zoltar was doing here? Isn't she curious to find that out?


The Shadow Talons were the weakest dragon tribe in Megalonia. They would have been wiped out by a rival dragon tribe long ago if it hadn’t been for their land not being worth the effort.


Okay, a) you've mentioned there land being beautiful and fertile a couple of times In fact volcanic soil is scientifically very good for plants and such so I don't see how it is useless unless this weakest tribe thing is post volcano eruption. b) So now we learn they are the weakest. So that's why Zoltar keeps running into dragons that are much larger than him.

"Take these two to the prison, I'll deal with their fates later." Shiler instructed, flicking her tail as she shot a mocking smile at Felistia, who ignored her as she and Zoltar were led away.


I thought she was already pretty clear on what their fates would be.

The Queen’s Ice Diamond. It was here.


I smell a heist in the future possibly involving a certain guard that I mentioned in the earlier chapter.

He looked over at Felistia. She was hunched over in the corner crying softly.


And that is just really sad. I cannot began to imagine how she must be feeling to have one sister kill your other sister then banish you. She carried all that baggage and was still so nice to others. Now it all comes back to her. No wonder she was cranky.

If his chain hadn’t been so short he would have reached over and stroked her with his wing, but she was too far for him to reach. He’d just have to wait until she’d let out her sorrows. Then he could talk to her about their escape.


Escape time coming soon I feel.

And that's done. What a chapter!!!

Overall: A lovely plot twist. I am now gearing up my other theories with the success of the other one. Sets the timeline for a bit of an escape sequence coming soon.

Anyhoo I am running off to figure out how they plan to escape. As always remember to take what you think is useful and forget the rest

Stay Safe
Harry




felistia says...


Thank you again for another review. I loved reading your reaction here. Makes the time it takes to write this all the more worth it.

Let's see if you can guess the next few plot twists are (wink)



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!! Just about to start the review on the next chapter and I believe I've guessed another one correctly. cough...guard..cough
Looking forward to getting to all of the other chapters.



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Tue Jun 09, 2020 9:00 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED HERE OH MY GOD how could i have put this off for so looooooong

Okay, first of all your queen is freaking awesome. She is powerful, confident, intimidating, and beautiful all in one dragon. I love the story of her forcing the throne out of her sister's claws. It's a very real situation to have that kind of argument between leaders. Some people want a purely peaceful, diplomatic approach, and others aren't afraid of applying force and power behind their words. The queen is clearly the extreme version of the latter.

Her perspective on other dragons is so narrow and I love it. This perspective easily backs up her actions and beliefs. She wants the Ice Talons to be feared for their strength, and I think one of her greatest fears is to be as weak as a Shadow Talon. So it's funny to think that she's being faced by that fear -- Zoltar -- right now. She undoubtedly sees this as an opportunity to reinforce her position.

I am curious as to why she and Kori had such different perspectives. What happened in her past that made her think this way? Is she a bad guy or simply misunderstood? She clearly cares about the Ice Talons, she just has a very forceful approach. But she also sounds rather power-hungry and could easily turn into the ultimate bad guy to dethrone. I wonder if Felistia would willingly take her place as queen, though!

Before I get into Felistia, I wanted to ask why Shadow Talons are the weakest dragons? (I apologize if I asked this before, but the occasional reminder in the narration never hurts either. There's a lot of worldbuilding to consume for the reader!) Or is that just a biased opinion coming from an ice dragon? While fire can melt ice, water can extinguish fire, so I imagine Ice Talons are ultimately far stronger than Shadow Talons. That said, I was sure we learned Shadow Talons are better skilled/equipped in some aspects still than other tribes, so I wonder if the queen is simply biased. Not only does she loathe Shadow Talons, but she completely dismisses them.

My heart goes out to Felistia. The poor thing. Honestly, facing a broken family is so difficult for anyone. To learn that her sister killed her other sister because of an overwhelming greed is just heartwrenching. Even if Shiler repented or saw the wrong of her ways, Kori will never come back.

I think Felistia acted a little out-of-character, but her reaction did feel a bit cardboard cut-out so it probably just needs to be tweaked a bit to make sense. We've never really seen her cry before, but she has been incredibly strong and family-oriented. She treasured Shiraku's companionship more than anything, and she was more than willing to accept Zoltar as well. The consistency in her desire for love and acceptance has been inCREdibly well done! That said, I didn't expect her to break down crying in the throne room.

Crying is typically viewed as a weakness to the narrow-minded, and I feel like Felistia would be doing a better job holding her ground so as to avoid giving Shiler any ammunition. To be fair, Felistia did a pretty great job considering until Kori was mentioned, but Felistia doesn't seem to be one to mourn her sister in front of Shiler either. Buuut I may be thinking that because Felistia has been rather dignified and strong this entire novel up to now, which had me thinking that Felistia already mourned Kori and is returning to her homeland to confront Shiler, not to be sad over Kori. This would imply that Felistia is lazer-focused on taking Shiler down and is, therefore, past the emotional stages of grief (until, of course, she reminisces and nostalgia takes over). (Also consider Felistia never mourned for Kori EVER before this, so there was no foreshadowing of this weakness at all.)

Anyhoot, I think Felistia breaking down in the prison is far better timing. Now poor Zoltar has to deal with a crying Felistia, and considering how terrified he is right now, I imagine he's not ready to comfort Felistia. XD HOWEVER, this is a great opportunity for Zoltar to learn about Kori and Felistia's relationship with her prior, giving Felistia an opportunity to dig into nostalgic memories that convince US to love Kori too and yeah. Basically, I'm excited for this next scene. There's going to be some juicy sentimental drama here and I cannot wait to learn more. <3

OH AND OF COURSE THE DIAMOND. I think it was a scale he needed, right? It's intriguing to see the queen has this valuable ice dragon for everyone to see. I wonder what kind of defenses are in place though 'cause I doubt they'd leave it open like that without extra precaution. Hmmm...

Looking forward to the next part!! :D

Jabber, the One and Only!




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I've been so excited for you to read this chapter.

After you mentioned it, Felistia's break down does appear out of character. I'll have to fix that.

Also Shiler was dismissive of the Shadow Talons because she heard of the Volcano and what it did to the tribe. The whole of Megalonia knows. I might need to include something that explains that in this chapter.

I'm excited for the next scene too. Lot's happens.

P.S I was thinking that after I finish this series of books for Zoltar's point of view, that I should make mini stories delving into some of out characters backstories. For instance, a story told from Felistia's point of view explaining how she got cast out, how Shiler got the throne, etc. I could do one for almost all of the characters. What do you think?



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Tue Jun 02, 2020 8:26 am
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Zoom wrote a review...



Hey Felistia,

I'll admit that I'm new to this story, but that's okay, because having read this piece through I mostly want to comment on line level stuff.

‘What’s she going to do with us,’ Zoltar thought, his talons shaking with fear.


I thought this was dialog at first. There’s no need to punctuate dialog like this or even italicise it. “Zoltar thought” is clear indication enough that this is first person thoughts amid third person narrative. Would help avoid confusion and looks cleaner on the page.

He stood frozen with fear before the Queen. She stared intently at him as if trying to obtain information from his mind. Blinking once she shifted her gaze, her menacing golden eyes locking onto Felistia's, who'd seemed to have gained some energy and was glaring at the Queen with pure hatred.


Ooh, great. This is nicely balanced. I think you’ve captured each character’s reaction to this moment succinctly. I can already tell that you fuel your writing with emotional characters.

As a sidenote, I’d nix “with fear” for a smoother entry into this paragraph.

"The pleasure is all yours, Shiler," Felistia snarled angrily through her mouth clamp


Haha! Nice line of dialog. Just what a sibling would say!

Something I’ve noticed throughout this piece is that you have a tendency to show something simple with too many words. “Snarled angrily” is redundant because snarls, by nature, are already angry.

You’ve chosen a brilliant, strong verb with “snarled” so there’s no need to modify it with an adverb.

I’m part of the mob who come after LY adverbs if you can’t already tell ^_^

I’ve added a few more examples of what I’m saying:

Her claws scrapping the smooth ice floor as Shiler glared at her with a look of annoyance


No need to say “with a look of annoyance”, the glare is clear enough.

Shiler growled with a note of irritation


The growl implies irritation.

"You can't k-k-kill me." Zoltar stuttered fearfully


Here, the stutter is present within the dialog, so there’s no need to reaffirm the stutter within the tag, and on top of that there’s no need to specify this is a fearful stutter, because again, stutters tend to imply that by their nature.

But when the door was unlocked and opened with a screech like thousands of dragons being tortured


This is a good simile. I always enjoy a comparison to something directly within the story, so good job there. I’d tweak it a little to avoid it sounding passive. Something such as “like the torture of a thousand dragons” would clear that up.

---

The next development I'd suggest for you is: working on your dialog. I'm not saying it was bad--it served its purpose well--however sometimes it bordered on being too expositional, as if the characters were saying things to fill the reader in rather than having a natural conversation. So, instead of thinking about driving the plot forward with your dialog, concentrate on the characters' personalities and agendas, and worry less about how much the reader understands about what they are saying. The mystery behind why a character said a certain thing can be a great hook to keep readers immersed in the story. When everyone gets to the point right away and says exactly what they mean, it can kill the tension and leave the readers with nothing to keep them guessing.

Overall, good job! The pacing was well balanced and each character had their own individual way of dealing with this situation, which shone through. There was also a particular description I liked right near the beginning when the queen opened her wings and they sparkled in the sunlight. You definitely have a talent!

-Zoom




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I'll take your suggestions and tweak the chapter. :D




I drink tea and forget the world's noises.
— Chinese saying