‘It is in my deepest nature, that I keep my love safe from the horrid things. May they take my life over hers. May she be safe… Safe.’
“Not you too, Alexandra!”
“Zane, if you keep talking like this they’ll lock you away!”
“You’re not listening to me!” Zane took a deep breath as he rubbed his brow with his fingers in frustration.
“They’re real, Alex, everything we’ve been taught is wrong! A lie!”
“Zane, calm the hell down.”
“Don’t you get it? All these deaths, they’re running out of people to kill.” He looked into her crystal blue eyes. She sat there, perfect, in her pink dress. He walked over to her and took her delicate hands in his. She stood and he held her close, looking down upon her like she were a delicate rose.
“I care for you too much to see you get hurt.”
“I am safe here Zane, there be no need for you to worry. Father has this place well-guarded. And the whole town has their eyes wide open. I’m safe Zane, I’m safe.”
Outside the night was still, as if the air were water, and a single breath would stir the still surface and the leaves would wash over the land. It was the stillness that spelled trouble. Another quiet night, another quiet death. The pieces of the puzzle just fitted so perfectly.
He placed his lips on hers, and embraced his deep love for her. The world seemed to sweep past them, and his tense muscles began to relax. That was, of course, until he heard the door creak open, and then click shut again.
“What was that?” he whispered, fright and concern obvious in her voice. Alexandra turned his head back to hers.
“It’s ok, I’m sure it’s just father.” Zane glanced around nervously.
“Let me go check.” Alexandra hesitated, before releasing him from her embrace.
“Don’t let him see you,” she hissed.
Zane tiptoed through the mansion-like house, making sure not to make the tiniest sound. He crept through the hallway, ignoring the paintings of the families men that previously owned the house, their grey eyes following him as he passed. A breeze ran past him, stroking his skin like the hand of a fair lady, and goose bumps formed like little hills.
The door was shut, but when he gently rattled the knob, he found it not locked.
“Strange,” he mumbled. He drifted into a dark room, where the chandelier hung from the roof like a ghost. It swayed back and forward, slow. He strained to see through the darkness, his eyes wide and ready. The curtain shook a little, and a ripple was sent through the rest of the curtains.
He approached, tardily, careful not to give himself away. He reached out with an unsteady hand, and hesitated, before ripping the curtain open. Behind it, was empty.
It was then he heard her scream, and it pierced his ears and juddered his heart like a jackhammer. As he dashed towards the cry, repeating her name in yelps of desperation, he heard something smash. The sound of a struggle.
“Alexandra!” he cried, “Alexandra!”
He ran into the room where they had been, except it wasn’t as friendly as it had been. The gas lights were smashed, and only the candles to flicker their light. The purple curtains were ripped from there rings. Several of the families expensive decorations were now shattered, and glass coated the carpet. And there were the stains, as red as oozing apples.
“No,” Zane gasped, and the door creaked open and closed again, making the sickly thud of Alexandra’s end.
“No!” he screamed.
He sprinted out of the room, and into the hallway. His shoes slipped on the blood that coated the ground. He rolled over, and stared at his bloody hands, before scrambling back to his feet. He opened the door and dashed through, leaving it wide open in his wake.
The night stung him with chill, but he ignored it. A figure holding another’s silhouette stood out against the river. Grass stretched right down to the banks, and let its finger-like blades be licked by the water. The gas lights sent light streaming onto the river, and the reflected them like a beautiful mirror.
“Alexandra!” he ran as fast as his feet could take him. London was such a big place, and yet no one was around to help them. As he got closer to the figure, he knew she was unconscious, he knew the creature had its blasted teeth in her swan-like neck. “Get off her!” he shrieked. The creatures head darted in his direction. A grin formed from its bloody lips.
Zane stopped, and stood, his stance solid as rock. A pocket knife slipped down his sleeve, and fell in his hand. He clicked it open, and the blade flicked out, ready to slice. He glared at it, “I said, get off her.”
The thing gave a laugh, a chuckle that rattled his bones and bounded about inside his skull. Zane didn’t even shiver. He walked to the creature, with evil burning in his eyes. Then he started to run, and rose the blade above his head. He let out a cry, a yell that spelt determination and anger.
The thing let go of the girl, and her body crumpled like delicate paper. As he approached, the creature just stood there, as if its life was not on the train tracks. Zane reached it, and sent his arm falling down through empty air, and the blade met no flesh. That was when he realized he wasn’t holding the blade anymore.
And then he felt something hit his back, hard. He whizzed around to see the creature accelerate off into the distance, its speed curiously unnatural.
Zane reached behind his back, and his fingers curled around the blade, and he pulled. A gasp escaped from his lungs as the pain seeped in. After a moment’s hesitation, he gave a ruff pull, and there was a sickly sound as the blade slid out. He looked at it, the wrath and frustration evident in his face as the sun is apparent in the sky. He threw the blade down, and it struck out of the grass. His steps towards his love were heavy, his feet were boulders. When he reached her, he fell to his knees, exhausted, and all too knowing that his blood was decreasing.
“Alexandra,” he whispered, as he took her hand, “wake up dearest.” There was no response. He stroked her golden hair, and a lump formed in his throat as he gazed upon her bloody pink dress. “Give me a sign, Alexandra, a sign.” He gently moved her head into his lap, and found her whole body was limp. She reminded him of a fragile bird, finch that had lost its wings. She would never fly again.
Zane bowed his head, a tear crept down his cheek leaving a streak, like a spider leaves a string of web. His heart throbbed with regret. He should of stayed with her. If he had stayed with her she wouldn’t be like this.
His fingers wrapped around her thin wrist, and pressed. No pulse. “Alexandra!” he cried, failing at stifling his sobs. He rocked back and forward over the body that now seemed so foreign. The blood continued to gush out of the wound in his back, which was struck between his ribs.
“I will avenge you, my dear, they will pay for what they have done to you,” he said, “hush now, you’re safe, for real this time.” After a moment, “I kill that vampire!” he screamed.
He continued soothing her, she did not respond, the emptiness taping up her mouth. it was when most of his blood was gone that he passed out.
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Hello there.
Drak has already covered most of the descriptive nitpicks I planned to address, so now I get to focus more on grammar and the actual content. Hooray!
As far as grammar is concerned there are a few very minor errors, such as missing capitalization and places where periods would be more appropriate instead of commas. There weren't enough errors to distract me from the story, but I do think you could benefit your story by reading out loud once. Just to be sure.
Now, time for the fun part: talking about the actual content. Now I don't usually read horror fiction, but I do understand that one of the most exciting things about the genre is uncertainty. The audience can never be sure who lives, dies, or where the story shall go, creating suspense. But, to be honest, this story didn't give me that kind of feeling. I could tell where this story was going right from the beginning because of this single line:
Um, no you're not, and yes there is. This is called tempting fate, and it can be a dead giveaway about what happens next in your story. It can be used to great effect if you use it intentionally, but if you're trying to establish suspense lines like this tend to backfire. Unless you're trying to invoke dramatic irony, but there's also another problem since I find that dramatic irony works best when we care about the characters involved. I don't see much reason to care about Alex and Zane here, because all I see is a pair of lovers, one of which is doomed to die and the other of which is doomed to swear revenge over her corpse (who may or may not die depending on the author). They're generic characters in a predictable plot, and since I'm a very picky reader I wasn't too impressed with this story.
I would have enjoyed this story more if there was more personality given to the two main characters to make them more unique and less generic. Then again, I'm not exactly sure what the best method of doing so would be in a story like this, because it begins in the thick of the action and probably wasn't meant to expand beyond this seeing as it was posted in short stories. If you do choose to expand this story I would definitely recommend adding depth to your characters' personalities beyond their relationship with their significant other.
All in all I thought it was all right, certainly not bad, but the predictable plot and generic characters weighed it down in my book. Then again, some readers eat these kinds of stories up, so if that's the kind of audience you were going for good job.
Hope this helped. Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.
--Dover
Right... So after reading your story, I must say that this is a truly great story, and there is not that much to correct here. Some things could be altered to make this even better, in my opinion, and I will note them. But keep in mine that this will only be my opinion.



So... Here are things which could be improved:
In 'She stood and he held her close, looking down upon her like she were a delicate rose.', the internal rhyme is a little too distracting... I think that 'close' or 'rose' should be changed.
The 'mansion-like house' just does not work, it does not feel right to me. How about leaving it just a 'mansion'? You should avoid the word 'like' in these situations.
'families men' does not make much sense... Perhaps 'family members'?
'little hills' is not the imagery you should be attempting to achieve here...
'not locked', I think, should be changed to 'unlocked' or 'open' etc.
I would say that you should use 'he drifted into THE dark room', because it is just too significant to be described as 'a' room, since he entered it.
'It swayed back and FORTH', perhaps?
Um, curtains do not truly shake... Just edit that and it should be fine.
'Behind it, was empty' does not make much sense... you might want to insert 'there' before 'was' and perhaps replace 'empty' with 'nothing'.
'had been' is repeated, later, and does not sound that great. But what bugs me most about that is the fact that the room was not as friendly as it was. Rooms are not friendly. Just explain how repulsive it was etc. Use more negative imagery, and less personification.
' and only the candles to flicker their light.' does not make much sense either. perhaps replace 'and' with 'leaving'?
'The purple curtains were ripped from THEIR rings', you meant.
You meant: 'Several of the FAMILY'S...', I think.
Although apples can not usually ooze, the image is quite effective. Interesting
'making the sickly thud...' just does not sound right, because of the 'making'. I would suggest that you were to edit this.
'“No!” he screamed.'... I am not sure, but should 'he' be capitalised? I am uncertain. But I think that you forgot to press ENTER one more time before writing this line.
'He' is a little too obvious in the next paragraph, but that is not fatal.
'and the reflected them like a beautiful mirror...' I think that you should replace 'and' with 'which'.
Wait... London? I would not have thought that such a place could be found in London...
'The creatures head'... I thought that there was only one... Oh, you meant the 'creature's'!
'his stance solid as rock...' I would suggest that you should use different imagery here, or perhaps none at all...
'and fell INTO his hand...' perhaps.
'He walked TOWARDS the creature...' perhaps? And I would not call that 'evil' burning in his eyes... 'vindictiveness' perhaps?
'BUT the blade met no flesh...' perhaps?
'he gave a ROUGH pull', perhaps?
'STUCK out of the grass...' perhaps?
'and all too knowing that his blood was decreasing...' I do not think that his blood was truly decreasing... Perhaps it was just leaving his system etc.?
'and found THAT her whole body was limp. ' maybe.
'A finch', you forgot the 'a', and it was confusing.
'He should HAVE stayed with her.'
'“I WILL kill that vampire!” perhaps.
So, indeed, this story was quite enjoyable. I loved your effective use of imagery throughout, and there were very few mistakes concerning English. I must say that I truly cared about the characters, who seemed real and lifelike, and the way in which the vampire had stolen Zane's knife was beautifully done.
Anyway, horror being my favourite genre, I have truly enjoyed this story, and wish you greatness
P.S. My fire screensaver just burned your work... Sorry
Thank you so much! XD