There it is again, it’s calling my name,
It’s yearning for my participation in its game.
Kill them all, and then I’ll leave you be,
They must die, join my conspiracy,
Each day its voice creeps closer,
Like an approaching train, its wheels squeal killer.
In my dreams it claws at my soul,
It devours my sanity, i am its goal.
One dreadful night it whispered in my ear;
She is the one, it’s her you must fear.
Simply take a knife and slit her throat,
Take her out to sea and burn the boat.
Yet my love for her was too robust,
I continued to neglect the voice in distrust.
Then the voice became ireful,
Every time I found her desirable.
It grabbed my throat with vicious hands,
And it stole the remains of my rationality strands.
It’s squeezed into my body’s control,
And vigorously shredded my soul.
I endeavoured to assuage the pain,
But to do so was to be insane.
It took my hand and tied me in rope,
And that’s when I lost my hope.
She died at my side,
And all I did was cried.
It now controls me day and night,
For I have lost the hideous fight.
I started writing this in relation to my insanity, and it turned into this whole killing thing, ha ha.
Wow. Well, this was, uh, what word am I looking here for. Interesting, to say the least. It was very creepy, and at the end, sad. There were a couple of things that bothered me somewhat. There were a couple of times where you kind of broke your flow. Like "rationality strands," it just didn't seem to fit.
Overall, it was creepy, sad, and it had good flow. Keep it up!!
Hello. I don't think we've met. I'm Mr. K.
Anyways, poem.
Not going to lie, I don't like it. All we really have here is a relatively simple narrative. No metaphor, no imagery, no abstraction, and (worst of all) nothing emotive. This is just basically rhyming prose with line breaks. If you want to tell stories, write prose. Poetry should be reserved for things you cannot express in prose. It's difficult, and it takes practice. Instead of simply telling a story, take one element of this ^ and really explore it. Turn it inside and out, look at it through all sorts of lenses. Find out what it sounds like or tastes like. Then tell your audience what you've discovered. Tell them something they hadn't noticed before. Make them think in a new way.
Now, the rhyming. My mentor drilled into me that rhyming for rhyming's sake is a cardinal sin. The integrity of the line should be the first (and really, the only) thing you worry about. Only an incredibly talented poet can constantly rhyme and write a good poem. I would say there are no such poets on YWS; they are an extremely rare breed. I mean, look at this:
Then the voice became ireful,
Every time I found her desirable.
Please do seek proffessional help. But in regards to your writing congradulations. You constructed a story and made it very dark, ominous, gruesome, and somehow beautiful. It reminds me of the song "Howl' by Florence and the Machine for some odd reason. Keep it up! See a doctor and then try writing about butterflies or something! lol
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