I wrote this real quick and sloppy, tell me what you think? Should I continue writing? Or at least try to avoid failing my subjects?
When my face appeared all over the news, it wasn’t at all for a good reason. Now, I’m not one of those famous kids who, I don’t know, cheated on my ‘baby’ or any of that crap. No, I’m pretty sure this is way worse. What did I do? It’s not that simple. It’s what we did, me and the base. It just happened to be me who got caught on camera, mostly.
Why don’t you go turn on that TV of yours? I’m sure you’ll see it. The fight that is, the battle of a lifetime I’d call it. Still don’t get it? Well, it’s magic. We had no choice, with knifes pressed deep against our throats. It was all the usual ‘bad place, bad time’. Everything was out of control. No one got hurt, and yet, they still call us menaces.
I guess you could call it a showdown. The kids from the base, versing our mortal enemies, the ones who want us killed. Dead.
No one believed completely in magic till now. Magic is real. The war is on. And frankly, no one is safe.
It was a shower of fireballs, various objects that were found lying around. We set the dog on them. Well, dogs. That’s Jimmy and Spot I’m talking about. I’m not sure if I should really be calling them dogs. Jimmy’s a shape shifter, and technically speaking, Spot is a train.
It was a mission gone wrong. For the god knows what time, we had been followed. This time though, it was the big guns, the lasers pretty much aimed on our foreheads. They were sick of us, and this time I was certain we were going to die.
Yeah well, I’m not too enthusiastic, but I am currently lying in the middle of a busy road, hoping to hell that the wheels don’t meet my head. Trust Jimmy to come and swoop me up into his arms. Running was all we could do, is all we can do.
People of the world, please do not hate us. Don’t be like the others. The ones that hate what we have done. The ones who hate what we are. And the one who hate what we do. Please don’t be like them. Really, we’re heroes. Just remember, when you were hiding under your bed from that monster? Yeah, well we’re the ones who opened your closet door, so you found nothing there.
And please to god, put a different freaking picture up, that’s my bad side…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hi!
Now one of the first thing that caught my attention was this line.
I'm not sure if I'm just really thick or something, but this line really confused me. What do you mean by cheated on my 'baby'? Usually baby is used to refer to as, literally, a baby. But you had put that in inverted commas and so it must mean something else, someone precious perhaps, but... I don't think that that event is dramatic enough to qualify news.
Okay, so now for my thoughts on the story so far, I think that you have a really good start so far. I'd like to see where you take this story. Although I do think that this wouldn't hurt if you cleaned it up a bit. For me, this was just a tad too dramatic and I know that this is just something small that you wrote up, but if you were to continue with this story, I'd strongly recommend you to start dropping hints about the background story and how it all started here.
I guess my main problem with this is being kept in the dark. You've beautifully described this really important battle and magic suddenly coming up. And yet, I have no idea how it happens. It might just be me, but when things happen, I want an explanation.
Other than that, I think that this story has a lot of potential. I'd like to read more if you do continue on with it. Keep it up!
Hello, Sky here.
For 'quick and sloppy', this was nicely done. I loved the way you filled us with information, but not too much to bore us and sprinkling it with humour.
Problems:
The only problem I had when reading this is some of your sentences. Some of them seemed to be phrased awkwardly, such as:
The 'is all we can do' seems like as if it isn't needed. I get what you were trying to do with it, so if you wish to keep it by all means do so. Just try to rewrite it in a different way.
Try reading this out loud. Sounds a bit off? I don't think you have to rewrite the whole thing, but maybe add something to it. Quotations, brackets, commas...
Example:
The fight that is "the battle of a lifetime", I'd call it.
I'm sorry, but that had to be my most favourite line. c:
Other than those comments, it's a really fine story and I highly encourage for you to continue. I will promise you I'd be a reader.
Sky
Thank you so much!! I shall fix those things right now XD
I should probably mention that this is from one of my characters point of view. I had her voice stuck in my head, and I was also thinking up future books to write, so I came up with this...
I guess you could call it a teaser