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Young Writers Society



The game is no longer Fun

by emilybrodo


The game is no longer fun,
They pick us off one by one,
The grim reaper is at the door,
Zombies pull us through the floor, oh yes, it ain’t fun any more.

Arrows pierce through my skull,
My mind is going null,
We could just stop and die,
But instead we cry, oh yes, it’s time we say goodbye.

We pay with our lives,
We’re trapped in their hives,
We really should go,
Stop fighting the bow, oh yes, we sure know.

This is the end,
We will pretend,
The battle is ours,
The blood showers, running out of hours.

Evil has the upper hand,
Our mouths full of sand,
We struggle to speak,
Our situation is bleak, we’ve reached our peak.

The kids of the base,
Have lost the chase,
It’s been said,
We need our med, or we are dead.

Oh yes, we sure know,
They’ve buried us in the snow,
It’s infinite to zero,
 
This show… is over…. ‘Silence’

I was listening to Placebo's 'In the cold light of the morning' and came up with this. It was rushed, so, apologies to crappiness. 

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187 Reviews

Points: 350
Reviews: 187

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Sat Jun 09, 2012 5:33 pm
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ChocoCookie wrote a review...



Hey Emily! :)

I loved the title of the poem, all about war and that anger and sorrow. There was a lot of feel to the poem and yes! The poem has actually conquered my heart <3. I loved the way you rhymed in this poem. It was perfect! And definitely the ending was really dramatic.

emilybrodo wrote:
This show… is over…. ‘Silence’


Though that line, didn't very well go in with it. Its just to left out and... Well, I think you should change it.

And of course, there are some mistakes to be taken care of. One thing off, the capitalizing of every starting letter. I wouldn't say that its wrong, the thing is its not really necessary to start a letter with a capital the very next line unless the previous line has a full-stop to it. Think about it. When we write, after a comma, we don't usually start with a capital. I'm just saying, but you may choose either one. Not really much of a mistake.

Now, this stanza was really confusing.

emilybrodo wrote:
We pay with our lives,
We’re trapped in their hives,
We really should go,
Stop fighting the bow, oh yes, we sure know.


The last line, didn't really give out the really meaning your trying to express. The whole lot of the last sentence, I tried reading it over and over again, but I just can't get it. Maybe its because my mind hasn't working lately (xD) or its something to do with the sentence.

emilybrodo wrote:Oh yes, we sure know,
They’ve buried us in the snow,
It’s infinite to zero,


Like Roxy said, the poem was quite even but to the end, you lost it. It would be nice, if you add just one more line, and the poem would have an even end to it. And I loved the part where you say "infinite to zero". (: Something that's not always heard.

Overall: As usual, keep up the GREAT work! :D You are an extraordinary writer and I'm very sure you will be very successful. ^^ I would rate this an 8/10. Just a few mistakes to be taken care off.

Keep Writing ~

Cookie
8)




ChocoCookie says...


*You're.

*It's.

*Too

*Hasn't been working



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Points: 815
Reviews: 3

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Wed Jun 06, 2012 8:54 pm
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WritingLUV wrote a review...



This is very good, and dramatic, and kind of scary. But I liked it a lot. There were only two things I'd like to point out, though.
1. What does null mean?
2. I found the
It’s been said,
We need our med, or we are dead.
Rather odd, only because 3 words in a row ryhme. Oh well, that's just me.
Anyway it was a very good poem, I liked it a lot. :)
~WritingLUV (or just Luv whatever works)




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78 Reviews

Points: 2659
Reviews: 78

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Wed Jun 06, 2012 2:12 pm
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roxyask wrote a review...



Hello Roxy here!

Let me start off by saying you really have tallent as a writter!
a few little things though;

"My mind is going null,"
I know it fits in with the rhyme, but I dont think it really makes sence..

"Stop fighting the bow, oh yes, we sure know."
I'm not too fond of the "sure"in there, I think it brings the sentence down

"Oh yes, we sure know,
They’ve buried us in the snow,
It’s infinite to zero,"
I would love if you put another line in there, all the other stanzas have five lines, except for this one!

"This show… is over…. ‘Silence’"
Again, not too fond of the "...", I dont think you need to put them in

But I loved it!
PM me with any Q's!
--Roxy





"Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile."
— Anne Frank