Warning, does contain a couple of swears. I was trying out writing plays and being humorous at once. I think the result is a stupid accident that deserves to be trashed. But, enjoy anyway, if you can that is.
Michael: What do you do when you have been kicked out of your home, coz your stinking girly-friend is all like, [mimics his girlfriend as he goes cross-eyed and perks his lips out. He makes a winging noise] ‘Michael, you never do anything around here except play call of duty. Come to bed babe’ and I said, ‘just let me kill this person and finish the mission’, and she gets all shitty with me, and starts bloody yelling at me to get out. So I’ve come to the library to just chill, y’know. It’s nice in here, real quiet as library’s are. I’ve had to sneak a hotdog in here coz it’s too cold to eat it out there. [he rubs his arms, pretending he his freezing, ] brr, y’know.
Librarian: [a librarian comes over and places a book in the shelf to his right. She stops and watches him as he chews. She approaches him.] Excuse me sir, there is no eating to be allowed in the library.
Michael: [while hiding the hotdog behind his back. Talking with his mouth full] know worries sweet heart, it’s just gum.
Librarian: it sure doesn’t look like gum. [she crosses her arms, showing off her authority.
Michael: No, your right sweet-
Librarian: [interrupting] don’t call me sweetheart]
Michael: sorry swee-t badge your wearing ain’t it? [librarian rolls her eyes]
Librarian: no food in the library, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Michael: No no, I’m like a cow, you see. I eat my food, and then vomit it up to chew it some more. My stomach is sensitive you see. [The librarian just stares.] it’s been happening since I was wee little. I used to have little up chucks while I was being breast fed, and I was chewing milk even then. I won’t digest anything unless it’s really well chewed.
Librarian: [revolted:]that is the most ridiculous excuse I have ever hear-
Michael: I’ll prove it then. [he swallows the food, then waits. His face starts to go pale, and then bile comes out of his mouth life a beautiful waterfall. It lands on the librarians shoes, who’s eyes are tight shut. She goes pale now, a look of horror on her face.
Librarian: Oh my god, that is… revolting. [she keeps herself from vomiting in disgust, before she turns and runs off. Michael is left laughing his head off. In his right hand is a bottle. In it is a orange drink, with small chunks of chicken. As it seems, he has fooled the librarian into thinking he has actually vomited on her shoes, but since she closed, she was fooled by his simple trick. He takes a swig from the bottle, and then takes a bite from the hotdog in his left hand.
Michael: Works every time. [He grins]
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,274 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Cool script! It’s simple, yet it works. Like someone else has said, this seems kind of like a rough draft of a finished story. Michael really reminds me of literally every middle school boy I’ve met. Which, that would work if he was supposed to be a middle school boy, but the story makes him seem like an adult. Also, I’m a little confused as to who he was supposed to be talking to in the beginning. Other than a few minor formatting issues, it’s pretty great!
This script was...something. I actually like it because of its simplicity and good-naturedness of it. Although there were a few nitty-gritty and nitpicking areas where I was confused, overall, I think it was a solid skit. I'd consider it as a rough draft/sketch of a skit. It reminded me of middle school boys and the pranks they would pull during my middle school years. It's not an outrageously disrespectful prank, just a roll your eyes and smirk while slightly shaking your head kind of prank. The writing itself is not bad and pretty straightforward, so you did a good job with that. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but it doesn't need to be. Mediocre funny, just casually entertaining. Nice work.
- Lil, aka HalfheartedAmateur
Oh wow!
The last part made me seriously laugh out loud! Great! I mean, hahaha, I loved it! At first, it looked a bit--- well boring (no offense) but then I got really into it! hahaha. I still can't get over the vomiting thing!!!!
Great job!
9/10 Especially for funniness!!!!
KRose
Hi Emily, I'm Day and I'm here to review your story!
This is so funny! I was laughing so hard at the end. It's disgusting (sort of), but definitely funny. I pity the librarian!
If you want to improve this piece, there are a few things you can do. For one, who's Michael talking to in the beginning? I feel like there should be one of his friends along who's adding a couple comments and laughing along with him. It's just awkward when the character is talking to themselves, unless it's a soliloquy in one of Shakespeare's plays.
I also noticed that you write like this:
Now, doesn't that look much better? That's the proper format for plays, really. But you can insert the actions in the middle. It just looks more orderly this way.
Also, there are a few grammatical mistakes here: In some places you've forgotten to capitalize the first letter at the beginning of a sentence, there are a few grammatical mistakes, and so on. I'm not going to list them even though it would make my review longer, because I think you should proofread your work before you submit it. I find it really irritating when people just post their work without rereading it at least once, and then it's full of typos and grammatical and spelling mistakes. (I'm a stickler for grammar and stuff.)
Overall, this was good, not trash! Never say that about your work, unless... well, unless it really is trash. With a bit of improvement, this can actually be a very funny, albeit gross, skit!
I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing!
-Day
Oh, goodness. I'm not as good with codes as I thought I was.
Thank you! I will fix this when I have time and in the mood. You know how it is, have to be in the mood to write well.