Warning, does contain a couple of swears. I was trying out writing plays and being humorous at once. I think the result is a stupid accident that deserves to be trashed. But, enjoy anyway, if you can that is.
Michael: What do you do when you have been kicked out of your home, coz your stinking girly-friend is all like, [mimics his girlfriend as he goes cross-eyed and perks his lips out. He makes a winging noise] ‘Michael, you never do anything around here except play call of duty. Come to bed babe’ and I said, ‘just let me kill this person and finish the mission’, and she gets all shitty with me, and starts bloody yelling at me to get out. So I’ve come to the library to just chill, y’know. It’s nice in here, real quiet as library’s are. I’ve had to sneak a hotdog in here coz it’s too cold to eat it out there. [he rubs his arms, pretending he his freezing, ] brr, y’know.
Librarian: [a librarian comes over and places a book in the shelf to his right. She stops and watches him as he chews. She approaches him.] Excuse me sir, there is no eating to be allowed in the library.
Michael: [while hiding the hotdog behind his back. Talking with his mouth full] know worries sweet heart, it’s just gum.
Librarian: it sure doesn’t look like gum. [she crosses her arms, showing off her authority.
Michael: No, your right sweet-
Librarian: [interrupting] don’t call me sweetheart]
Michael: sorry swee-t badge your wearing ain’t it? [librarian rolls her eyes]
Librarian: no food in the library, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Michael: No no, I’m like a cow, you see. I eat my food, and then vomit it up to chew it some more. My stomach is sensitive you see. [The librarian just stares.] it’s been happening since I was wee little. I used to have little up chucks while I was being breast fed, and I was chewing milk even then. I won’t digest anything unless it’s really well chewed.
Librarian: [revolted:]that is the most ridiculous excuse I have ever hear-
Michael: I’ll prove it then. [he swallows the food, then waits. His face starts to go pale, and then bile comes out of his mouth life a beautiful waterfall. It lands on the librarians shoes, who’s eyes are tight shut. She goes pale now, a look of horror on her face.
Librarian: Oh my god, that is… revolting. [she keeps herself from vomiting in disgust, before she turns and runs off. Michael is left laughing his head off. In his right hand is a bottle. In it is a orange drink, with small chunks of chicken. As it seems, he has fooled the librarian into thinking he has actually vomited on her shoes, but since she closed, she was fooled by his simple trick. He takes a swig from the bottle, and then takes a bite from the hotdog in his left hand.
Michael: Works every time. [He grins]