Really crappy story since I rushed this so much! XD
I wake up in a bed, as you would, but I seemed to be in a hospital. Outside I hear muffled voices and other various sounds. Then I remember what happened. The green light. The voice telling me my doom. The pain. My chest exploding around me.
How was I still alive?
I feel over my chest, and can’t help but feel sick by the bumps and wounds that are concealed by this sheet. I pull it off and glance a t my chest, immediately looking away again. My whole chest looks like it’s been shredded. Bits of meat are tied together with stitches.
I decide to get out of here, and to find out what’s happening. I wasn’t exactly known for my patience. I pull out a needle that’s attached to a tube filled with blood. I begin to bleed, but I don’t care.
I sit up and get out of my bed. The pain relief is pretty good I reckon, simply because the pain isn’t overly severe. I stumble down the room where a couple of empty beds lay silent. The clock on the wall states the time, three in the morning.
At this point, I’m pretty dizzy, and doubt hopping out of the bed was a good idea. I open the white doors that lead me to a hallway.
Suddenly, I feel ill. I smell something like rotting flesh. In front of me, blood drips down the walls. My head begins to spin, and so do i. I frantically look up and down the hall. What I see is not entirely pleasing.
Bodies, about ten of them. All of them are shredded from what I can see. Organs lay randomly on the floor, guts hang out from the slashes.
I pretty soon figured that I was hearing the voices, they weren’t real.
I know what’s happened her. The Xenomorphs have gotten inside the base. I know my doom is fixed now, hope lost in the gloomy ticking of the clock. I go back inside the room and grab a knife. I don’t want be a victim of the aliens, to die a horrible death. I’ve come close to being there’s, but not now.
I steady the knife over my heart, then I hear a growl.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Well isn't this gruesome! I like it!
I think this is a good idea that you should expand upon. I agree with you that you may have rushed it a bit much. There are certain words in places that you just don't need & those that you could have been more descriptive with Like: I sit up and get out of bed.
You could say...Painfully, I drag my broken body up and plant my feet unsteadily onto the tiled floor.
Overall - I think that this is a good chapter and it gets me asking questions about what could happen next. I think you could expand upon your descriptions, making them more realistic & hook the reader in. I want to actually smell the blood that you say is dripping down those walls. Know what I mean?
Good luck and feel free to take a look at any of my work when you have the time
Ollo tis me to write you review I hope it helps.
this does not make any sense whatsoever.Well this is really gruesome I would do something about it because it does not make sense also what I would do is turn this into like paste tense instead of present.
This was good punctuation wise absolutely no problems in that way except or maybe you had to many of them.
Spelling grammar and stuff like that was good although as far as I can see there was absolutely no plot.
I loved this story the way you ended it was good minus the gruesomeness and it would have been a top rated story.
Keep up the writing my friend.
May Jesus lord be with you.
~Jon~