Spot

by emilybrodo

Published April 2, 2012

In Short Stories

“What exactly are we waiting for?” Jimmy seemed terribly excited, practically sprining out of his shoes. He brought his fingers to his lips and whistled loudly.

“Here boy!”

Of course, Selina expected a dog to come, or some other playful animal to start pouncing towards them out of the bushes. Instead, a bright light pierced through the trees and blinded their eyes. And then, out of the trees burst a train.

Nothing about it was normal, its metal twisted and contorted freely like the muscle of an animal. It blew its horn in an excited matter and bounced up and down in mid-air. It only pulled one carriage, and the doors stopped before them. It was see through, like a ghost.

Jimmy walked towards it and patted its red metal sides. “Good boy,” he said, and hopped inside the carriage.

After a moment’s hesitation, Selina followed. The inside of the carriage appeared solid unlike the outside, but the windows were see-through as they should have been.

“Ok, explain.”

“I will explain, let me tell you the story of a loyal dog…

Love was the most unexpected thing that ever happened to him. He was a train driver, the type that blew the whistle and shovelled coal into the engine that made the train choo-choo to life. A women would often board his train into town that was unimaginably beautiful. Like every other man, he fell head over heels in love. Who wouldn’t fall for her? Her brown hair curled in ringlets, her skin was white and her lips red, and she wore the prettiest perkiest pink dress and carried around a matching umbrella.

One day, the train driver plucked up the courage to ask of her name, “Charlotte,” she replied and then asked for his. Joseph was his name.

Soon Joseph began buying flowers for the lady, and she would ride at the front of the train with her. All the while, Joseph’s dog Spot sat and watched as his master’s love was taken from him and given to the girl in pink. Spot began to walk home instead of riding home with his master, and Joseph didn’t even notice his disappearance. Spot began to sleep with the train that was left at the train station, snoozing by the coals that were still hot from a day’s work.

Eventually Spot was completely forgotten, and his master had completely fallen for Charlotte. Spot was filled with so much sadness that he began to not care for himself anymore. He stopped eating.

Soon the train became unstable, and it skidded of the reals and crashed. Some oil in the back carriages blew up, and the train caught on fire. While everyone escaped, Spot went to sleep and didn’t wake up, the sadness stopped his heart.

When Joseph finally realised what his love with Charlotte had done to Spot was long gone. It turned out Charlotte had been cheating on him, and then Joseph new what true love was.

His dog had loved him, not Charlotte, and he hadn’t loved Spot back. He felt terrible.

As for Spot, he haunts the train and its one carriage that trailed behind it. He is now loved by an new owner.

…And that’s the story of Spot,” Jimmy finished.

“That is massively wicked.”

“And odd, a dog haunting a train. I’ve never heard of any other incidences.”

“It gives the train character.”

“It does, anyway, now I’m the master of the dog…train…dog-train, Spot. Spot! Take us to Paris, you know where that is boy?”

The carriage lurched up and down in excitement, and then took off. Through the windows Selina saw the world go dark as the train ploughed through the night, and she was forced into her seat from the speed. The carriage began to shake as it travelled faster and faster. Outside everything was now going white and the light pierced through the windows. The train gave one final push and the speed crept up further. Their faces felt like they were melting away with the force.

Comments & reviews · 1
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Griffinkeeper
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Griffinkeeper wrote a review Review · Apr 2, 2012

I got to say, I really want to like this story.

“What exactly are we waiting for?” Jimmy seemed terribly excited, practically sprining out of his shoes. He brought his fingers to his lips and whistled loudly.

“Here boy!”

Of course, Selina expected a dog to come, or some other playful animal to start pouncing towards them out of the bushes. Instead, a bright light pierced through the trees and blinded their eyes. And then, out of the trees burst a train.

Nothing about it was normal, its metal twisted and contorted freely like the muscle of an animal. It blew its horn in an excited matter and bounced up and down in mid-air. It only pulled one carriage, and the doors stopped before them. It was see through, like a ghost.

Jimmy walked towards it and patted its red metal sides. “Good boy,” he said, and hopped inside the carriage.


I love that a train came bounding out of the bushes. It was so whimsical and unexpected; I couldn't help but feel like I'd entered into a fairy tale. It's glorious to read something and be surprised!

Then I hit the brick wall.

“Ok, explain.”

“I will explain, let me tell you the story of a loyal dog…


Love was the most unexpected thing that ever happened to him. He was a train driver, the type that blew the whistle and shovelled coal into the engine that made the train choo-choo to life. A women would often board his train into town that was unimaginably beautiful. Like every other man, he fell head over heels in love. Who wouldn’t fall for her? Her brown hair curled in ringlets, her skin was white and her lips red, and she wore the prettiest perkiest pink dress and carried around a matching umbrella.

One day, the train driver plucked up the courage to ask of her name, “Charlotte,” she replied and then asked for his. Joseph was his name.

Soon Joseph began buying flowers for the lady, and she would ride at the front of the train with her. All the while, Joseph’s dog Spot sat and watched as his master’s love was taken from him and given to the girl in pink. Spot began to walk home instead of riding home with his master, and Joseph didn’t even notice his disappearance. Spot began to sleep with the train that was left at the train station, snoozing by the coals that were still hot from a day’s work.

Eventually Spot was completely forgotten, and his master had completely fallen for Charlotte. Spot was filled with so much sadness that he began to not care for himself anymore. He stopped eating.

Soon the train became unstable, and it skidded of the reals and crashed. Some oil in the back carriages blew up, and the train caught on fire. While everyone escaped, Spot went to sleep and didn’t wake up, the sadness stopped his heart.

When Joseph finally realised what his love with Charlotte had done to Spot was long gone. It turned out Charlotte had been cheating on him, and then Joseph new what true love was.

His dog had loved him, not Charlotte, and he hadn’t loved Spot back. He felt terrible.

As for Spot, he haunts the train and its one carriage that trailed behind it. He is now loved by an new owner.


This nearly killed your story. What happened was, when you switched from the main story to the story of spot, you didn't put in a smooth transition. As a result, there is a "bump" in the story. The reader goes from reading the story in one style to reading in another style. This style isn't whimsical or fun, it is dreary by comparison.

The saving grace here is that the hook was so strong. It allowed me to persevere through Spot's story long enough to reach the next whimsical section.

I strongly urge you to integrate Spot's story into the main one. It looks like you copy-pasted one story into another. By showing Jimmy telling the story, you allow for an extra dynamic to be added. As he tells certain parts of the story, the other characters can react. The train could puff steam, Selina could express outrage, etc. It would also allow you to proceed in the whimsical and entertaining manner which makes your story so refreshing.



“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing