Lunar Blaze chapter 19

Hello, there! That was a bit awkward just now, the dialogue in the beginning. As Stella noted, that was a bit weird. I still can’t tell whether Bob or Beck started it with the first line. And that’s not a very good sign when the reader doesn’t know who’s talking.

expensive job

Expensive denotes that it’s costly: however, working somewhere doesn’t cost you anything (perhaps your soul, evidently your time) –thus I would’ve said well-paid or executive job.

the blood of the devil’s power is pulsing through me

I quote this line since it’s awkward –not due to the imagery, but logistically speaking a skeleton does not have veins to carry blood thus it makes no sense. Although I agree with Stella that it’s a bit odd in its nature.

“I don’t know Beck, it looks awfully real to me, this could be some sick psycho’s work.” Her husband was standing awkwardly in the hallway, trying to ignore the empty gaze of the skull’s eye sockets. Rebecca had carefully crept around the skeleton, flattening herself against the wall as she inched past it. There was something awfully wrong about it. “I’m going to be late for work honey, I’ll put it in the trash later.”

I found this particular paragraph queer. We have the husband, Bob, speaking: however, you have Rebecca moving past the skeleton. It took me a second read to realize that the second line of dialogue belonged to Bob. I suggest breaking this paragraph into three: Bob talking, doing his very best to not look at the skeleton, then Rebecca moving past it, and ultimately Bob’s last line.

Interesting change from the last chapter: however, I recommend taking some time to set up the mood. Instead of jumping into the skeleton's monologue to establish the setting -a suburban location. Perhaps, have Bob and Beck idly chatting before they discover the skeleton. Then there's their discussion and ultimately the skeleton's monologue to tie everything together. It's easier to adjust that way.

Can't wait to see how you follow up, mate.

Hey there! Okay, so I haven't read previous chapters but I'll do my best to review this one as an individual

the blood of the devil’s power is pulsing through me,

Unless this is a story point I'm missing, this seems like a really weird image.

“Why the hell not? It’s just some lavatory skeleton or piece of art stupid kids have put there to scare us.”

Uh... laboratory? xD

possibly hold video cameras and laughing their heads off, yet, he found none.

holding

Alright, so I'm sure there's a reasoning behind this skeleton, but I'm surprised at the husband's reaction. So you find a skeleton on your doorstep. Your first response is, naturally, denial. But it's very easy to tell the difference between a real skeleton and a fake one, if you ask me. Real bones have a quality to them that fake ones don't. If the body's been burnt, then there will be a smell. So I find it hard to believe that they are so convinced it isn't real- and that they don't consider calling the police. Because surely that would be your secondary reaction.

Secondly, watch your dialogue here. I found it very confusing to work out who was speaking to whom because of the way you did your paragraphing and things. Be careful, and use dialogue tags more. While uninterrupted dialogue can sometimes be really effective, here it just gets quite confusing. So try and work on that.

Overall, I thought this was interesting! Since I don't know all the background I don't feel I can really say much else story- and character-wise. Keep writing!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x