Positive:
she had a bad habit of road rage which usually resulted in unfortunate injury for her victims - Haha! I very much like this line, I can't get over the irony of it XD
Another positive:
Your characters are stumped! What happens next? = O There are a lot of novels which usually compose of the main characters trying to vanquish the bad guys or keep some precious oracle safe, but these guys have been captured already. I'd say as far as tension and plot mechanism goes you're doing great!
Commas:
Quick trick - go through the text and check each sentence in turn. If it makes sense without the comma, remove it. You have a lot of unnecesary commas and they act more as stumbling blocks than pacing tools. Once you get the hang of where you need and don't need them then you can learn to add the in for technical purposes. It will feel uncomfortable at first since you'll want to leave them in, but it will tighten up your writing and make it flow better without all the extra ones.
More critisism?
I don't think there is more at this point. Just remember to take the things I said in the previous few reviews and keep applying them to later chapters- this is important! You could open a notepad on your computer and copy and paste the stuff I mentioned about prose earlier, so that rather than me beating you down by repeating the same things you can just be aware of previous advice.
Also, what you've done here with all the extra buffering that makes a scene a scene and not just a description of events, that's what you need to do in the first few chapters.
Chapter six review should be up soon.
) The story is wonderful and engaging and has a similar feel to harry potter, While maintaining it's own unique individuality. I'm hooked. This was a joy to read and review. I'm glad to see there's more!
Points: 30338
Reviews: 560
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