Hey there! Time for your review. Like almost everything I do, I try to follow a formula. I start by pointing out any grammar, spelling, or awkward syntax as well as suggesting a solution. Then I usually get into the setting, characters, and general theme. After that, I'll say how I interpreted the story and all the things I loved about it!
First things first, grammar, spelling, and syntax!
'seamed' should be seemed.
'She kicked it as hard as it could, and it sprang off her, cautiousness encrypted in its red eyes.' I believe you mean, '... as hard as she could'.
;Selina crawled to her feet, grabbed a rock and pelted it at the thing.' The verb "crawled" doesn't seem like the best verb here, because technically you can't crawl to your feet. Maybe go for something like, "staggered" or say how she stood, like "Selina's legs threatened to give way as she stood,".
'Obviously throwing rocks at the thing was having no effect, so she came up with another tactic charging straight at the thing and locking her arms around its throat.' I think this sentence would sound better with a comma between "tactic", and "charging".
'Yet instead of finding herself being ripped to pieces, she heard the sound of heavy rock grinding, and then the sound of something big smashing into the ground.' This bit could be more suspenseful. Instead of saying that she heard the boulder falling, you could say there was a rumbling sound and a loud crash.
'loosing' I think that you meant "losing" here.
“that one was following you.” "That" should be capitalized.
Now then, on to the setting and stuff!
I love your depiction of Hell. That's another thing I should have mentioned, i think Hell should be capitalized throughout the story. Anyway, I thought you did a good job setting a quite morbid atmosphere. It was very unnerving. If I had to change anything about it, I would add more description about the demons.
I like both of your characters, but they could use some fleshing out. If you aren't careful, Selina could end up being a cliche. Add a twist to her personality, to me she feels too familiar to other characters I've read about. Jimmy is good, I love how you describe shape shifting. It's the most interesting version I've read about.
You did a good job with the action in some parts, but in others it felt like it was a little drug out. Some bits are full of vivid description, while others are a bit lack-luster. I suggest you remove some of it and only keep the really good parts. This would keep everything flowing and prevent boredom.
On to my opinion! I liked your rendition of Hell, it was very dark and creepy, like it should be. Your magic is very unique, and it certainly fits the feel I have for the story. Overall, this piece was very fun and exciting, but I found myself losing interest at times. It's no big deal, I would just cut out some of the fight scene to keep things flowing.
Great job, and keep up the good work! This was a fun and refreshing fantasy story, you did a great job with your world-building. Your grammar wasn't too shabby either. That's all I got! Good luck, and keep writing! If you have any questions, just shoot me a message.
Points: 652
Reviews: 178
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