Young Writers Society

“Selina Glow was never a believer, always sceptic, there was always a reason.” While it’s not incorrect I suggest the first one goes in perfect progressive – “Selina Glow has never been a believer.” Then the second simple past “She was always a sceptic, or sceptical.” And then “there was always a reason.” Or something like that. That’s just an advice based on personal preference. However you should definitely separate the statements. You don’t want to start with a long sentence with so many different claims in it. Go in step by step. Also second sentence with the plants and all is a bit… unclear. I reread it a couple of times but I’m still speculating about its actual meaning. Try to clarify. Same for the stories, try to clarify what stories the first time you mention them.
-I’m not sure I was able to express this in an understandable manner. My whole issue with the first paragraph is not that it’s boring. You are just trying to say too many things in too few sentences. Try taking your time. Think of the information you are trying to present in that paragraph and give it to the reader simple and clear, without too many details but not too few either.

Then second paragraph the transition is a bit rough. You might try to add an adverb or something to ease the start like – in fact or actually life was etc. You want to follow up that final sentence in the first paragraph. Second sentence of second paragraph has the same issue as the first paragraph. You are trying to say too many things in a single sentence. Take your time and present it step by step. Also a bit of a repetition with “come home” try something different in one of the sentences.

I don’t know if you are deliberately calling her mother Mrs. Glow but it puts a distance between us and her character as well as somewhat alienates her as mother.
Also you repeat woke up too much, try to alternate.

“surprised at her found” – finding, or surprised to find.

Also the final paragraph of that segment seems a bit rushed. You might want to take your time revealing how she found the trapdoor. Same for the next few paragraphs, slow down a bit, no need to give more info or actions just take your time presenting what you already have.
Minotaur in the bushes? That’s oddly specific. Perhaps you’d want to just use monster(s).

Otherwise I don’t see any particular problems with the story. You’d like to get rid of that feeling of rush though. Take your time, build up the tension, transit the scenes and create a coherent even paces story. Otherwise the final few paragraphs with the vampire just don’t seem as dramatic or important as they should be, you need a way more solid build up for that.

Wow. That was rushed.

To answer the first request, the only reason this could be considered boring is that so much happens that there really ends up being very minimal sentimental signifance to anything.

The narrator's mother dies in the very first scene. Okay. Then you start cramming all these emotional cliches into the resulting effect on the narrator, which tell me absolutely nothing about her. If your narrator was the opposite of what you claim she is, you would probably still make her run to the river and wish she had a fantasy book to read (in retrospect, actually, that part seems more like something a tuned-out or imaginative person might do). In fact, she would probably do the exact same things you made her do throughout the course of this entire chapter. I want a character that isn't shaped be worn-down cookiecutters. That's what makes readiing interesting.

Character + Conflict = Plot

is a good formula to remember in the construction of stories. I haven't learned a thing about your narrator. There's that part at the beginning about her being utilitarian and all, but that description of her died on the spot, as it was never thenceforth consulted in determining her choices and her actions. It's fine to use a character summary as the opening paragraph, but you have to follow through. 'Kay?

Actually, the above could just as well be applied to your vampire demon guy. Pretty hackneyed antagonist mentality. Give him a cold or something. Maybe he's blind, or autistic, or something. Sure it's a dark story (I'm assuming that's a fair prognosis), but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to have some fun with it. Right now, I have very little interest in reading on.

Surprise me, 'kay?

-Kafka

I am having trouble trying to edit this, so for anyone wondering, this is chapter 1.