Adding to what was already pointed out in previous reviews:
“it was beautiful as put it on” – typo.
“and felt to piercings” – another one.
I’m not certain about Selina’s motivations. For example if she was afraid, why did she need to go out so badly? I mean what drove her outside; she could have just waited for the sunrise and then go back to Moina? People usually think of safety before anything else, whatever it is the character is thinking. Also when she is making the garlic charm, I feel you need to elaborate. It’s as if details are missing, perhaps more on her thoughts feelings and motivations. Gives us a deeper more full view of what’s going on.
“Then she found a necklace with a cross dangling from it hoping it would ward off the vampire.” Where did she find it? Daggling from where? Be more clear.
Also shouldn’t she be all dizzy and weak after being bitten? If she has some ability or whatever that can fix/strengthen her its ok, but if not you should include that detail in the very beginning.
“the bights on her neck” – perhaps a typo? Or you should consider your choice of words. You know scarfs work for covering neck marks, provided she has one or finds one in the house.
“Your very close” – you’re
I feel both women are kind of… too up in spirits considering the situation. Selina doesn’t need to force herself to smile and all, her mother is missing. And Moina is just… I don’t know, there isn’t a trace of her forcing herself to act that way, she just acts all “cheery” and stuff. I like her voice yes, but I do feel she should be, how to say… more tactful? The girl just lost her mother the last thing she need is a hyper cheery adult to try to brighten the mood, especially one who doesn’t show an actual honest trace of concern or worry.
“Moina came and sat next to me on her sofa, handing me a bowl of cereal and a spoon and she began to munch down her own.” – you suddenly switch to first person in this sentence.
A perfume? Really? She should have just said “I don’t know you’re imagining” and it would have been way more believable.
Again you are rushing a bit towards the end with the dialogue. Perhaps you should also express some things through narration rather than speech, it helps to slow things down a bit.
I feel Selina should be asking more questions. Like “I know something’s going on, talk.” She seems like a smart girl, she has nothing to lose or nothing stopping her from asking, so logically she should just confront Moina.
“Moina came back with something mystical with gold delicate points like stars silently exploding in their beauty.” – too vague, too short, too unclear from first read.
“Moina slipped it around Moina’s neck” – typo I believe.
Ending is too sudden.
Also go over everything you present the reader, every action and thought, and think whether all are absolutely necessary to the story and if they give it something. There are some minor details I feel that you put there only as a filler.
This is certainly better paced than the previous chapter. (and I just noticed you have updated a newer version of that chapter one, will make sure to check it out) But it is also definitely in need of more work. You can perhaps do character sketches, really imagine your characters and their reactions in different situations. Also try to outline better everything that’s going on in the chapter, it helps when trying to depict it.
Points: 11451
Reviews: 131
Donate