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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
=D I like.
But this is critisism, so I shall be critical.
Issue Issue
Moina was told to go to the car with Jimmy and gave her keys to Selina? I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant XD Also, I know Jimmy is playful, but why is he smiling
Diabolos Vs Jimmy
First I will say that the naming choice here is excellent. I was kind of half expecting Jimmy (as a protector) to be some kind of annoyingly super powerful creature, but I like that he's not as experienced as he aught to be. Diabolos is a great name, and the contrast with the name Jimmy works really well.
Naming names
If you mention a characters name, then you can use 'he/she' until another characters steps in. Sometimes though you have to figure out a way to tweak what's going on so that you don't use names as often. It's something I've noticed in the previous chapters too. Sometimes you can re-word sentences, or replace actions with descriptions (like saying 'the light of a torch blinded her' instead of '[name] turned on a torch'.) Just limit how many times you use a name otherwise, like with any word, your reader will get sick of it after reading it too many times.
Part #5 shall commence shortly.