Lunar Blaze chapter 18

This being my first time reading, some of the points I make may not be valid.

“Camellia is an air bender, she cleans it up. I don’t think she approves either.”

I’m puzzled. If Camellia does not approve, why does she clean up after them? She doesn’t seem to benefit from offering her services. Is there a particular reason for this?

Curiosity leant Selina closer, her arms crossed inside her brown jacket.

That’s some awkward phrasing, love. Curiosity isn’t something tangible. I could see, on the other hand: Selina’s curiosity brought her closer. She crossed her arms. The detail of her brown jacket seems extraneous and detracts from the story. I advise in general to varying your sentence structure. It gives the story pacing.

I would also run through the document checking for minor formatting issues and some missed capitalizations here and there.

“I want to end this,” Jimmy said, “but I don’t think Darell would approve of this.”

I found this particularly amusing. They have been smoking, stealing, but evidently Jimmy draws the line when it comes to hunting for a demon because Darell would not approve.

Jimmy shook his head sadly, “I hate seeing everyone grow up around me and wither away.”

He’s not very convincing. This is the first that I’ve heard of it and the bloke doesn’t elaborate on it. He throws it out there idly as though it were nothing. Imagine the heartbreak Jimmy faces when he meets someone new –knowing for a certainty that he will stand over his or her grave. I would’ve appreciated having him elaborate more on this, more of a dramatic pause, and more emotion in general. The mate is going to give up on immortality. Raise the stakes here, present to me –the reader- why this is so important to Jimmy because at the moment I’m not feeling it.

“What I’m about to do is a little painful, but you’ll have to bear with me. You are a Lunar Blaze, someone who absorbs there energy from the moon light. At the moment, your access to your power is limited, so I’m going to awaken your powers and give you access.”

One quick note, it’s not “there energy” rather more “their energy” –something I noticed. Now, this particular bit and those that follow are basically exposition. The character goes on about Lunar Blaze individuals and how their power is awaken –so on and so forth. Too much telling and not enough showing, this information dump is a bit much. It brings the story to a standstill explaining the reader what’s going on when I –the reader- would prefer to see more action.

All right, cut down on the exposition and elaborate a bit more on what's going on with Jimmy's curse and I feel you're set. Solid story.