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I don’t believe a stomach can physically put out –pull in, I can see. A more adequate word may be expands.
I understand Camellia is the speaker throughout this portion: however, Selina’s thoughts are interrupting the dialogue. As such, I would break the paragraph up accordingly. It makes it easier to read and there’s bound to be less confusion. The readers shouldn’t have to remind themselves who’s talking –especially when the focus is put on Selina’s inner monologue then segways into Camellia’s dialogue without a proper transition.
Bounded is to be intricately connected while flame breaks bonds? I understand if you meant that particles bounced, but it sounds queer.
“She imagined lightening them, as if her hand was a lighter,” sounds redundant. I suggest: She imagined her hand as a lighter: the catalyst for a flame. “Clickering her fingers” –how do fingers click? I understand snapping, but clicking sounds too mechanical. Gears coming together –not fingers brushing past one another.
Get rid of the comma and replace it with a period. Curt sentences denote action and a faster pace.
Capitalize the “it” in the sentence.
I would say it would be easier to exchange this portion for a “smug look” rather than that clunky quote. Again, much of what I say is purely my personal preference.
As always, I appreciate some more sentence structure variety. Interesting stuff, I eagerly await for the next installment.
Hi There!
This is nice short chapter you have here. I havent read the other chapters (though I'm thinking about it...), but I'll do my best to review this bit now.
First up, it was really easy to read, as in the flow of the words is well done. Your grammar seemed right to me and spacing of paragraphs was good. Only mistake was in- “Breath in… and out…”Camellia soothed.
You need a comma after the speech marks and then a space. Simply typing error.
The story line seems very intriguing as well. It was easy to pick up what was happening, which I guess could be a good or bad thing. (Bad as in, I've heard this kind of story before... though this is only my opinion from reading this chapter, it may be that the rest of the story is very orriginal:D)
Your imagery is very good too, especially when you talk of the flames feeding off the flesh. I liked that bit. And the ending was a bit... expected, but its still good in an 'ironically ironic' way:)
Overall, I think this a nicely written chapter, and I'm going to go read the rest now:)