Chapter 2
Shadow went over what he'd heard as he flew. The guardians had talked about a visit from a Flame Wing. This was the biggest event since he first started listening in on the dragonet’s lives. He wished he could share it with them.
That would be so cool!
Then he had a wonderful idea. The dragonets had talked about a little river, just big enough for a fully grown dragon to swim in, that flowed through the cave where the dragonets slept. The Storm Sing dragonet, Tempest, liked to swim in it for long periods of time with the others joining in from time to time. They also used it for drinking water.
If that stream was the same one that flowed underground from the base of mountains, he could send them a message by floating it down the river!
He had heard about something like that in the stories Jarid had read to him. He just had to be careful that his message didn’t fall into the talons of the guardians. They would probably move the dragonets, or worse, try to find him. He couldn’t just send a piece of paper either since it would probably get torn apart or the writing would wash off.
Shadow thought about it for a while before coming up with an answer. Wood! He could carve letters into a piece of wood and let it float down stream to them. Shadow looked around for a decent piece of wood. There was plenty in the forest, so Shadow picked a nearby log and started carving. The log immediately broke in half. He tried again, going a little lighter this time, but it kept snapping. Finally, Shadow carved some letters into the side of a tree. It worked but he couldn’t throw an entire tree down the river.
After a few more hours of trial-and-error Shadow found a suitable branch that was thick enough not to break but light enough it could float down the river. Now he just had to figure out what to write.
He was so excited, but he didn’t know what to say.
Should he introduce himself? Ask them some questions he had always wanted to know? Maybe he could be like a spy he had read about in one of Jarid’s books. One that sent secret messages telling them about the evil plans of their enemy. That would probably be the guardians, right? Yeah! He would warn them about the Flame Wing. He couldn’t wait to see their reactions, or rather, hear their reactions in their minds. Sadly, he only had enough room for a few words.
“Hmmm. I think I’ll go with…"
Flame wing coming this week. Be ready. Will write again. Your friend, Shadow
Yeah, that’ll work.” Shadow said smiling to himself.
It was getting close to noon, so Shadow quickly took off to find the entrance to the river. It would take some time for the piece of wood to float down. He hoped Tempest would be swimming in the river or that one of the others noticed it while taking a drink.
He found the beginning of the river and looked up at the sky. The sun was almost at its peak. He wasn’t sure how long it would take for the branch to make it down the river, but he hoped it wasn’t too long. Shadow tossed the piece of wood into the river and watched it disappear underground. Then he raced back to his spot to listen in on what was happening. When he arrived, he could hear the dragonet’s as they talked to each other.
“Why does history have to be soooo boring? I don’t care if our ancestors were chased here hundreds of years ago by some evil dragon. I want to hear more about the current situation in our tribes. Maybe a bit about what the Wind Wing palace looks like and how much time they spend flying through the sky instead listening to lectures,” Gale complained.
“Come on. It’s not that bad. At least when Quake is lecturing us, he’s not making us pointlessly lug boulders around for ‘physical training’. I mean, seriously. I’m not a Sand Wing,” Hailstorm retorted.
“Not all of us want to know everything there is to know Hailstorm. Besides, you could use a bit of training, weak wings.” Gale replied sarcastically.
“Stop it, both of you. We just need to sit through this lecture, then we get some free time. If you guys start fighting then we’ll never make it to class on time and you know what that means,” Boulder warned. Hailstorm and Gale sighed as they realized, he was right.
“Guess you’ll have to beat me up later weak wings.”
Gale laughed as he bounded ahead. Hailstorm growled.
Just you wait, air head. Some day, you’ll regret making fun of me for knowing so much. You’ll need my knowledge and I’ll laugh at your stupid, dumb face, Hailstorm thought as they entered their classroom.
Shadow hunkered down to listen in on what was happening. He could also see a bit through their eyes if he tried, but the images were foggy and a little surreal. Like memories happening in real time.
“Alright, dragonets. Today we will be discussing the great war that caused our ancestors to flee to this land. However, today is special. Instead of looking at any specific battles we will be looking at the two most prominent figures in the war itself. The dragon now known as, The Warmonger and how he was defeated by the Great White Dragon,” Quake said gruffly as the dragonets sat down to listen to his lecture. Once they were all seemingly paying attention (Shadow could tell Gale and Boulder were only half paying attention) he began his lecture.
“All dragons once lived on a continent very different from this one. Two hundred years ago there was a great prophecy that predicted the destruction of all dragons. A war with the race known as humans, that would destroy us both. Fearing this war, the Great White Dragon went to make peace with the humans, but he was betrayed by his brother who’s true name has been lost to time. Now we only refer to him by the title given to him by those who fear and despised him for the death and destruction he wrought. The manipulative dark dragon, Warmonger.”
Quake seemed to have the most amazing ability to say everything in the same bland, emotionless tone. He could make even the most exciting topic sound boring and Shadow could practically feel the energy being sapped from the dragonets' minds.
“So, what made this white dragon so great?” Gale asked. Quake sighed.
“Haven’t you been paying attention in any of my lectures thus far?”
Nope, but you can’t exactly blame me with a voice about as exciting as a flat desert. Gale thought. Thankfully kept his thoughts to himself this time.
“Well, listen this time. Every few centuries there is a dragon born to the Night Wing tribe with the power to use all types of elemental magic. They can also communicate with the spirits of past White Dragons in order to rule all dragon kind. They are both powerful and wise, with access to amazing draconic magic.”
Tempest raised her talon.
“Yes Tempest?” Quake growled. Annoyed to be interrupted again.
“So, when are we going to learn some actual dragon magic? All we’ve done so far is magic specific to our tribes, and some of us haven’t even gotten to do that much," she asked with annoyance in her voice. Storm Wings were supposed to channel lightning, but being underground had prevented her from trying it. As Surge had shown them once, the lightning would just snap to the ground, walls, or celling instead of the target. This made it to dangerous to risk teaching her underground.
“Most draconic magic was lost after the great war,” Quake explained in his lecturing voice.
“We don’t know how, but it is written that in rage at his loss, the evil dragon known as Warmonger used his power to steal the memory of draconic magic. Now we can only draw power from the elements. In case you forgot, Flame Wings can enhance their flames, Storm Wings can summon small storms and channel lightning, Wind Wings can manipulate the air currents, Ice Wings can summon a freezing breath, Stone Wings enhance their strength, and finally, Tree Wings can manipulate plants. Or at least, they’re supposed to.” Quake finished with a glance at Aurora.
She looked down in shame. Aurora and Tempest were the only ones who couldn’t use their magic. The guardians even said she didn’t look like a proper Tree Wing or any other kind of dragon they had ever heard of, but she was part of the prophecy, so they let her be.
“Hey! Don’t look at Aurora like that. It’s not her fault she can’t make plants do whatever. She is just as great a dragon as any of us,” Tempest growled angrily.
“Yes, yes. Regardless…” Quake drawled on.
“The Great White Dragon was very powerful with draconic magic. The only dragon in history to come even close to a White Dragon in strength, was the Warmonger himself. Nobody knows how he did it, but while his brother was away making peace, he used his dark magic to take control of the kings and queens of each tribe while claiming kingship of his own. He convinced everyone that his brother had been killed by the humans and that they were now at war. Dragons of every tribe attacked the humans in retribution and many lives were lost on both sides.”
Even with the boring voice of Quake both the dragonets and Shadow leaned in to hear the story.
“By the time news reached the Great White Dragon and he returned, he found his city preparing for war. He confronted Warmonger, and after a fierce battle, the Great White Dragon sealed him away in the Night Wing palace. There was a song written about their final clash, but it was recorded in history books hoarded by the Ice Wings. Soon after this battle, however, the White Dragon learned that his brother had taken vengeance on him. The kings and queens he controlled had killed themselves in his name. Even sealed away, the Warmonger’s magic still held sway."
Shadow shuddered at the thought of such a powerful and evil dragon.
"The only way to be safe from his control was to flee across the sea. They flew here guided by the White Dragon’s ancient knowledge only to find a tribe of humans that had also fled during the great war had landed here as well. The Great White Dragon was able to form a peace pact with them. In exchange for his own life, the humans would not wage war with dragons for a hundred years. The human attack on the night wings a few years ago marks the first major battle between humans and dragons since then.”
“And they lost bad didn’t they? Ha, ha. Stupid Night Wings can’t even defeat a bunch of hairless monkeys with sticks,” Gale laughed.
Quake quickly turned to him with a growl. His expression was enough to scare Gale into silence for the rest of the lecture.
“It is true that the Night Wings cannot use elemental magic like we can, yet they are still a force to be reckoned with. They have fire, though not as hot as a Flame Dragon's. They also have excellent night vision and can fly so silently you wouldn’t hear them till they were practically on top of you. They are still regarded with fear ever since the Warmonger found a way to take control of other dragon’s minds. And those ‘monkeys with sticks’ as you called them, were able to kill hundreds of dragons in the great war. Only a fool would underestimate either of them. You five of all dragonets shouldn’t disrespect the dragons who died fighting the humans. If I hear about this one more time, I’ll have you writing about the dangers of Night Wings and humans until your talons bleed.”
Gale nodded, still intimidated by Quake’s burst of rage.
Quake continued to lecture the dragonets about some of the myths and legends surrounding the White Dragon and his brother the Warmonger.
“Augh! I thought that class would never be over,” Tempest groaned as she and the other dragonets left the history classroom. Gale hopped in front of the group and turned to face Hailstorm, crouching with a mischievous grin.
“Class is over now, weak wings. Come and get me!” Gale taunted. He sprang back with a laugh as Hailstorm swiped at him in annoyance.
“Come on now. A lot of good those scrolls did you. You can’t even touch me. Maybe I’ll just get rid of them for you,” Gale laughed.
If there was one sure fire way to get Hailstorm riled up, it was to threaten his scrolls. His only source of entertainment and the one thing that gave him any kind of solace in the underground caves.
Growling fiercely, Hailstorm attacked Gale with bursts of ice breath and swipes from his claws. Gale dodged all his attacks with ease using a small amount of wind to help him glide around the attacks. Eventually Hailstorm gave up, growling in frustration. Gale laughed knowing he’d won. Then he turned to Boulder.
“Hey. I’ve still got some energy left. Wanna try catching me next?”
“No. We all have some homework we need to get done and I’ve got training with Surge today.”
Shadow could feel the other dragonets cringe slightly at the thought. Aurora compassionately brushed her wing against Boulder.
“Do you mind if I come with you? I just want to watch. I promise I won’t get in the way.”
Shadow could tell Boulder was smiling kindly at her, but his thoughts were sad.
I wish you could, but I know you’ll try to help and only get in trouble. I can take her beatings better than anyone else here. I can’t do much for you, but I can protect you from that for today.
“No, you need to get your homework done. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” he waved dismissively. Aurora worried about him anyway but didn’t protest. Shadow followed Boulder to the training area where Surge was waiting for him.
“Took you long enough,” Surge growled. “Now, get ready, and fight like your life depends on it!” Then she roared and attacked.
If I’m training with you, it probably does, Boulder thought as he tried to defend himself. Shadow couldn’t exactly tell what was going on, but Surge kept shouting commands.
“Doge back! Don’t let yourself get cornered! Use your tail! Roll left! Your other left dummy! You’re leaving your jaw exposed when you bite. Keep your claws up! Don’t just swing like a drunken monkey. Aim! Don’t drop your guard if I hit you once! You have to block the second! And the Third!” Surge roared as she pounded the lessons into him.
Boulder’s mind was a flurry of panicked thoughts and the occasional wish he was literally anywhere else. This went on for almost an hour and a half. With each hit Surge landed Boulder winced and sometimes cried out in pain. He tried to focus on the fight but all he could think about was that it would be over soon. Then he could ease his sore muscles and bruises. When Surge finally decided Boulder’s lesson was over for the day, Shadow felt a wave of relief wash over his mind.
Thank the great wings above. That felt like forever.
"Augh," Boulder groaned as he rubbed his shoulder.
That hit with her tail must have left a nasty bruise. Well, at least she picked me instead of Aurora or Hailstorm. She just can’t see that some dragons are good for things other than claw to claw combat. Hailstorm is smart and Aurora is kind and helpful. Even Shear can see how useful they can be. Maybe she can talk Surge into going easy on them. I’ll have to ask, but first I need to lay down.
Shadow could feel Boulder’s pain even if only a little as he limped out of the training area. Shadow wished he could lend a wing for Boulder to lean on. Sadly, all he could do for now is continue listening in on their thoughts.
End of chapter
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello again, my friend!
Another very nicely written chapter in this very promising story. No outstanding errors that I could see. A minor suggestion I would have is to bold-type the line that reflects what Shadow wrote on the log. Kind of like italicizing thoughts, it separates it from normal writing, but hey; that's not even an error, it's just a different style.
Speaking of the log, I'm curious if the dragonets will see it -and more importantly, how and if they'll respond. The exposition from that history lesson was also fascinating to hear, especially when taking into account the prologue and the mysterious circumstances behind Shadow's situation. If there's a resentful splinter group that worships this rebel dragon, or some dragons managed to keep dragon magic, or something along those lines, that alone could explain a lot. But I digress; it's the perfect clue to build up the world, while striking up interest and keeping us reading. On a much more minor note, that title for a bad dragon, 'The Warmonger,' is just absolutely chilling. Love it!
I am also feeling very bad for Shadow by now, just by reading about him listening in on all these lessons and potential friends, but not being able to speak directly to them. That last line, especially, makes the image sink in.
Surge sounds like one brutal trainer, but again, I'm curious about Shear as the more tame of these characters.
Also, I'm starting to see that you were right about consistently describing or providing reminders of who's who. I mean, even now, I'm not even close to a point where I could list the names of all these characters, yet while I'm reading, I have a pretty solid idea of who's who. Like I said, the elemental-themed names are a huge help.
Another 10/10, great read!
Thanks for the suggestion. I usually write this out in Word and I actually do have it bolded there but it didn't translate over for some reason. I'll see what I can do for the future though.
Your ideas for where the story could go are giving me some ideas, especially about a group worshiping Warmonger, kind of have something like that already but I could definitely add a bit more of a cult vibe to it. That could be so cool...
If you want to see what I have now, here: Darkness rising. (Ash's encounter with the evil king of dragons)
The second part is in my "Here there be dragon stories" folder.
'Dragon cult' sounds both awesome and scary, right? Lol, anyway, no problem and I'll gladly check out that side story soon
Hi! I'm back to leave you another review!
I just thought I'd pass my thoughts onto you.
So, here we are introduced to the group of little dragons living underground. Shadow desperately wants a dragon friend and decides to go build a little message for them. And IS he determined! He spends literal hours on it. Wow! For someone so young, that is quite admirable. (I already mentioned hes my favorite)
Now, I do have a lot of suggestions. Please remember that the only reason I am bringing them up to you is that I'm trying to help you, not to tear you down. You've got awesome characters and plot here, and I don want you to feel bad. So take what you will and ignore what you don't like.
That said...
The thing that bothered me a bit was that you described the dragonets underground and what they were doing. If I'm not mistaken, Shadow can only hear their thoughts and conversation; he can't actually hear them. This is a problem, because the way you wrote it, it REALLY sounds like Shadow is seeing the dragons because you include description of the dragonets, like what they are doing, what their expressions look like, etc. This really makes it seem like Shadow is seeing all that.
Next suggestion...put Shadow back into the spotlight. For a good long time you don't describe what Shadow is doing as the conversation happens. The attention shifts from your main character to a bunch of side characters the main character can't even see!! What I suggest doing is putting in more of Shadows reactions for example, when Shadow hears the long rant by the teacher, maybe have him find the teachers voice so annoying, he puts his hands over his ears for a moment. Also, describing Shadows expressions help. The part where Shadow wants to lend one of the dragonets a hand is an example of what Id like to see more of in the chapter.. reaction on the part of Shadow. Something else you can consider doing is have Shadow attempting to write the note while he is listening to the dragons. That might just take care of the issue that the attention shifts so dramatically if you switch between Shadow and the other dragons inner dialogue enough.
Last suggestion...I got a bit confused between all the different dragons. I had to go back and reread to figure out who was who. You might want to hold off on names until later. This will also help add a sense of mystery as Shadow may be dying to know what the dragons names are. And then he can have an exciting moment when he realizes their names and connects them with the voices he heard.
Again, these are just suggestions. You are the writer. You choose what to take and what to leave.
Lastly, I love how you included that Shadow could almost feel Boulders pain. How sweet. He really cares.
Happy Writing!
-Kaia
Thanks again.
I really appreciate the feedback and constructive criticism.
I was actually curious if someone would notice Shadow was seeing what the dragonets were doing lol
For now I don't have a way of explaining this other than he immerses himself in their minds so much he can see what they're doing just as you the reader do.
As for this being so focused on the dragonets, I admit this is true and do have more of Shadow a little later on but for now I'm trying to establish these other characters in the readers mind. Kind of what you mentioned about being confused about who was who. If you have any further thoughts on my way of going about this I'm totally open to suggestions or thoughts on why you as a reader may not get what I was going for.
Hm. Okay... Maybe try opening that up with the fact that the conversation easily yielded to a mental image or something like that. I'll let you know if I have any more thoughts.
But don't give up! I'm sure you'll find a way to get these few wrinkles ironed out. 
Aloha!
Thank you for letting me know about the third chapter, I'll read it soon enough, but first I'm here with a review for chapter two with some shell-ightful insights...
First of all, I truly enjoy all your incredible Dragon stories and I am impressed by your gigantic imagination. Your stories are always well-written and contain a unique cast of characters as well. But also prophecies seem to play a big role in most of your novels, like this one, and you most definitely don't forget to add a mysterious layer.
Your character development is exceptional. The fact that not only the humans but also the dragons have personalities is remarkable. And not just ordinary personalities, it is almost as if I can actually understand why they think the way they do, or why they choose certain options over others.
The setting of the story is vividly described and seems absolutely perfect for such a story. The underground hideout of the other dragons seems to be another unique element of the story and it is very creative, it also adds a touch of mystery.
Not to forget the pacing of the story. You have written it so precisely that it's easy to follow, you don't linger too long on one scene, but you don't leave it unfinished either. Unless, of course, you want to create a cut scene that leaves your readers in suspense.
I enjoy reading all of your stories, and I am seriously impressed by how you write. Which is why I'm not going to fill my entire review with compliments you may have heard countless times from me or others, but rather offer some ideas for improvement that might actually help. But please keep in mind that these are just some ideas that might help you to improve your novel, therefore, please do not take them as criticism.
Starting with the length of your story. Some people like to read long pieces because the story can be really compelling. But most of the time it is easier for people to read and review shorter pieces, and you also prevent your readers from losing interest in your story. Thus, try shortening your chapters.
One thing that might help is to try breaking up long blocks of writing into smaller paragraphs. The reader may be able to follow the story more easily.
And since you are writing a fantasy novel that includes dragons, which can be very impressive, you might also want to add pictures, as you did at the end of the first chapter. But adding more pictures could not only give a better look at your characters and unique setting, but it could also make the story seem even more intriguing and practically become a giant magnet that attracts many readers.
To make your novel more interesting, you could do a little more of "show, don't tell". Try incorporating more sensory details, actions, and vivid descriptions to show the story as it happens, instead of simply telling the reader what's going on. This will make the narrative more engaging and immersive.
The dialog is very good. However, when one of the dragons is giving a history lesson, like in this chapter, or talking about "legends" so to speak, you could try breaking it up into paragraphs to make it easier to understand.
Also, instead of throwing information about legends at the other dragons all at once, you could try a different way of telling them. For example, have the dragons create a quiz for the dragonettes. Give them all a chance to tell something about the legends, or at least what they already know, and then let the dragons help them. Of course, if you did this just to bore the dragonets to death and create some sort of humor, which I actually enjoyed, you could definitely leave it at that.
But it might still be better to break up the long pieces of text into smaller paragraphs and still add some humor.
And then we have the tension. The story could use a little more of it. If you have the perfect amount of suspense in your story, you could grab your readers by the suspense claws of the novel. For example, a dragon, or more specifically, Surge, could feel that she is being "watched" by something, or in this case, someone. This can definitely create tension, it can make Shadow try to be more careful, or he might not be aware of it at all.
These are just a few ideas, I hope that they are helpful.
Remember that there are always more things to improve, and not everything and everyone can be perfect. Even I sometimes struggle to create the perfect scene or plot, but it is perfect enough if you try your best.
All the best!
Me,
Red Riddle Rose
Thanks so much!
This is a great example of what a review should be. A bit of encouragement and pointing out areas that can be improved.
I do try to break up my blocks of text but I don't know how to do that with longer monologues. If you have any tips for that I'd love to hear them.
I also really liked your suggestion about suspense. I might add that in the future though it may not appear on this site as I'm just posting what I've already written for now.
Have a great day
I am very happy to hear that my review was appreciated.
As for trying to break up blocks of text and create something completely different and the tension, I might have a idea, but get ready for a long comment.
For example, this part:
How about giving it a make over and turning it into this:
Hopefully this gives you a little insight into how to improve some of the scenes!
Ok, Thanks.
For that specific scene I wanted to make Quake sound really dull but I might still break up his longer monologue. You also use a lot of description which I could definitely incorporate.