Chapter 7
Shadow woke and stretched, shaking his head to get rid of the lingering drowsiness. He walked slowly over to the stream to take a drink and splash water on his face. The cold stream felt nice, but it wasn’t quite enough, so he dunked his whole head in. The water was refreshing and helped him wake up. As he flicked his head back, letting the clear water run down his scales, he sighed with content. He shook the water off as he readied himself for another day of training. Then he remembered that today was special.
The Flame Wing was arriving today!
Shadow smiled and clenched his talon in excitement. He wanted to skip training today and just spend the whole day watching the dragonets, but he also knew that the Flame Wing probably wouldn’t be arriving in the morning. There was no real reason to skip training today. Still, he thought he should try to do it as quickly as possible.
His mind was filled with thoughts about what the Flame Wing would be like as he pushed himself to finish his training quickly. Was he a kind dragon, dutifully following the orders of his queen, or did he hate dragonets and was being forced to come see them? Would he get mad at them and use his fire breath, or would he be horrified by the conditions they were living in and force the guardians to take them somewhere nice? Would this mean the end of Shadow’s time with the other dragonets? Would the Flame Wing bring others to join them?
All these questions and more spun around Shadow’s mind as he finished his training and flew back to his listening spot. His mind was so preoccupied that he almost missed two dragons flying towards him from the direction of the center of the continent.
Shadow noticed the movement of their wings and he very nearly froze midair, his chest clenching as a wave of ice cold terror washed over him. It almost seemed like time itself slowed down as he felt a tingle in his wings and tail.
Desperately, he dove straight down into the trees as fast as he could. He crashed through the branches and landed on the forest floor awkwardly, but thankfully his scales ensured he wasn’t hurt. The dragons were still quite far away. Perhaps they hadn’t noticed him.
Shadow hid under a bush and listened for the sound of their wingbeats and thoughts. He could vaguely hear what they were thinking, and it didn’t feel like they were excited or curious about anything. Hopefully that meant they hadn’t seen him. He kept listening.
…needs to be so hidden. Why not just keep them with all the other Wings of Protection? So much simpler that way. Then I wouldn’t have to bother myself with such…
Shadow breathed a sigh of relief. They weren’t thinking about a mysterious black dragonet or looking around for something suspicious either. Though, from their thoughts, it was probably the Flame Wing who had come to look at the dragonets. He could feel a kind of heat from the thoughts he had listened to. Now that the immediate threat had passed, Shadow was very annoyed with himself.
Come on Shadow! After all these years of staying hidden from dragons and humans who could have been anywhere, you almost fly straight into the one dragon you knew was coming!
Shadow wanted to kick himself for his foolishness. He sighed again and calmed down. At least he hadn’t been discovered. He shook himself and focused on slowly and silently making his way to his listening spot.
Once there, he was able to get excited again about the prospect of listening in on what was going to happen during the Flame Wing’s visit. He felt the two dragons land at the secret entrance to the cave where the dragonets lived. Surge’s mind suddenly perked up. They must have knocked or given some kind of signal that they had arrived. Shadow followed her mind as she made her way to the entrance.
Good they’re here. Just need to make sure it is them. Then we can get this stupid inspection over with. Why bother with a secret pass code anyway? No one knows where to find us except for the Wings of protection, and even if they did, it’s not like this is some kind of fortress where we could seal the door and keep attackers out. She thought as she reached the door.
“The Wings of Protection…” she called.
“Cover all dragons and carry us into the future,” the dragon accompanying the Flame Wing answered. This dragon’s thoughts seemed warm rather than the stinging heat of the other dragon.
My, my. I’m so impressed by your security. The first dragon thought sarcastically. His thoughts made Shadow feel slightly ill. As if he had smelled rotten flesh and wanted to retch.
“Who are you?” Surge asked, in a none to friendly tone, after she opened the door. The nice dragon with warm thoughts tried to seem unfazed despite this.
“My name is Ash, a Flame Wing with the Wings of Protection. This is Scorch. He is the emissary from Queen Sear.”
“I am Surge, one of the guardians of the Dragonets of Prophecy.”
“Yes, yes,” Scorch said dismissively. “Let’s get to seeing these dragonets and the living space you have provided for them. I am quite anxious to return to my queen, so let us finish this inspection quickly.”
Then he turned and commanded Ash, “Stay here and guard the entrance. I’ll be back momentarily.”
Shadow grimaced as he listened to Scorch’s thoughts. He never imagined he’d feel a mind he disliked more than Surge, but this rude dragon with revolting thoughts was far worse.
“Right this way,” Surge growled. Shadow could feel the instant dislike in her mind, though it seemed like she was trying to hide it. But he wasn’t interested in Surge.
He focused on Ash first since she seemed nicer than Scorch and her mind didn’t make him uncomfortable.
‘sigh’ This is exactly why I left the Flame Wings. All the nobles, so stuck up and acting all superior to everyone else. I bet Scorch doesn’t even remember my name even after all the time we’ve spent traveling together. He thinks he can command me just because he was sent here by Queen Sear? I wish I could singe his tail for thinking he can tell me what to do. I’m part of the Wings of Protection now! We are saving all dragon kind! Some day I’ll teach these arrogant dragons, who think they can control everyone, a lesson. They won’t be sending anyone else’s family to work in molten lava pits or hunt dangerous lava beasts while they sit on their comfy couches in their lofty mansions, Ash thought. His mind went back to all the horrible memories of his life in the Flame Wing territory.
Shadow could vaguely make out blotches of black and deep, dark red. Indistinct images of monsters, volcanoes, and dragons too. But more than that, there was heat, a painful and overwhelming heat. Shadow couldn’t imagine how hot it must have been for a Flame Wing to be in pain from heat. Ash sighed and tried to move on from his dark thoughts. There was a brief moment when a pair of bright smiling faces of two young Flame Wing dragonets, one older girl and one younger boy, flashed though her mind.
Until then, I’ll suck it up and do what this stupid noble tells me. But not for much longer. These dragonets will change everything. Then, finally, we will all be truly free.
Shadow winced. Ash was so sure that these dragonets would change the world. If only she knew what they were truly like. A bunch of disobedient, playful dragonets that couldn’t even defeat a single dragon like Surge on their own. Shadow wondered if Ash would be so confident if she knew what they were really like. Was she just that sure of the prophecy, or did she simply feel like they were her only hope?
End of chapter
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Hey, dragonnight! Yes, I disappeared for a while, but I came back for a bit!
Let's get right into the review. The beginning is really well written. I have a good mental picture of what the water running down Shadow's scales looks like. It's a great start to a new chapter! Well done!
I also liked your transition from the pool of water scene to Shadow's thoughts with the short exclamation "The flame wing was coming!" It instantly shows how Shadow has this almost childlike excitement about this, and that's awesome that you could portray it like that!
Again, I always love your dragon expressions like Shadow clenching his talons in excitement. Those are always so cleverly designed!
I'm quoting this because I wanted to point out that your punctuation was right on! Good job! Commas are tricky.
ooooh...the imagery here! I can totally picture this!!
I also like how you balanced out the conversation between the dragons and Shadow's thoughts on the conversation. You didn't leave one long bulk of conversation between the dragons. Instead you cleverly broke that up with Shadow's thoughts, which of course the reader is always interested to hear since Shadow is the main character and the one listening.
I also loved the part about the heat that Shadow could almost see it was so intense. That was another amazing detail!
A few places I recommend a few changes...
I've already mentioned a few comma issues in my other reviews so I won't bring that up again. But I do want to draw your attention to this line:
"The whole time he trained his mind was filled with what the Flame Wing would be like." I had to read this sentence a few times before I understood it. I recommend slipping a comma in between "trained" and "his" because it would make the sentence run a little smoother.
And here...
"Shadow noticed the movement of their wings and he very nearly froze midair. His chest clenching as a wave of ice cold terror washed over him." This should actually all be one sentence because as it is right now, the second sentence is a fragment. Try tacking it on to the other sentence like this: "Shadow noticed the movement of their wings, and he very nearly froze midair, his chest clenching as a wave of ice cold terror washed over him." That is a rather long sentence, so maybe just break it up a little. I just thought the last sentence as it stands looks just a bit odd.
For this section:
The "they" that I put in bold messed me up a bit when I was reading it. The last thing that you referred to in the plural was Shadow's scales (a fabulous detail for sure, please do not get rid of that!) but I thought that the "they" referred to his scales. So maybe try saying "the other dragons" or something else that would identify what exactly you're talking about. (No fears, I do this too sometimes.
For this part, I recommend a question mark after "you"
Well, that's it for this one! I hope this review wasn't too harsh, and please only use whatever appeals to you! All of these are just suggestions. Overall, fantastic job as always!
-Kaia
Thanks so much Kaia!
If you ever want me to add you back to the list of people I share new updates with just let me know.
I will let you know! It may be a while, however, because I am in nursing school and it easily sucks away my time. My break is allowing me to catch up on some YWS reading, tho
Awesome! Good luck.
Thank you!
Hello again, my friend!
Another great chapter (and I'll cover part 1 and 2). Very exciting; finally, we get to see a few of the Flame Wings make their debut!
To start, I really like how you captured Shadow's excitement. The best way you did that was by showing how he nearly got himself caught by those other dragons. I don't know if those dragons make a comeback or anything, good foreshadowing if they do, but the moment itself really shows how worked up he's gotten, if he was so distracted that he almost blew his cover after years of hiding. Great idea to put that in, to build up the moment.
I am definitely interested in Ash's character. He almost sounds like a vigilante-type character, leaving the Flame Wings and having so many issues with noble dragons. I would hope to see more of him in future chapters. And though Scorch doesn't sound like the most likable of characters, I did find humor in Surge meeting someone jerkier than her.
I like how you described what came to Ash's mind, when directed to the Flame Wing capital. How it's so hot that even the fire elementals feel pain from it. Ironically, I'd describe it as chilling, haha.
If I could recommend anything, and I don't have much, it would have to do with this line:
"Shadow noticed the movement of their wings and he very nearly froze midair. His chest clenching as a wave of ice cold terror washed over him."
The impact delivered regardless, but I feel like you could combine these two sentences, or at least change "clenching" to "clenched" and it may flow a bit better.
The other thing is, to really deliver that message about Ash's expectations toward the end, maybe change up the wording. "Ash was so sure that these dragonets would change the world. If only he knew what they were truly like. A bunch of disobedient, playful [children] that couldn't even defeat a single dragon like Surge on their own." I know the original quote is more accurate in terms of the world's terminology, but using the word "children" would really cement the image and Shadow means in the readers' minds. Noble young dragonets < Disobedient weak children. Of course, this is just a tiny matter of word choice I picked up and -as always- I'm not a professional. If you left it as-is, I don't think it'd really matter.
Now, onto part 2 (stand by)...
Heya! Just swinging by for a quick revmo review. I went back and read all the previous parts, so hopefully I can offer some worthwhile critique.
Out of curiosity... were you inspired by the Wings of Fire series by Tui Sutherland? I admit it has been a hot minute since I read those books (I'm rather past the target audience at this point), but I'm seeing a level of similarity that makes me wonder. It's got a real... How to Train Your Dragon + Wings of Fire + maybe Eragon? mashup feeling.
(If you did take direct inspiration from any of those pieces of media... you might want to change some of your terminology. I pretty clearly remember 'dragonets' being a term from Wings of Fire, and the context is incredibly similar. While it isn't a bad thing to be inspired by existing media, you want to really make it your own.)
Moving on:
You do a great job embodying the dragon physique in your narration, changing human actions to one's with claws, jaws, wings, and tails. It's always a lot of fun to see non-human characters and see how others describe they way they move.
I'm not a stickler for grammar, but you have a habit of breaking your phrases off of sentences that they should really be attached to. Take this line here:
That second sentence isn't a sentence at all. The use of the 'ing' verb instead of the past tense 'clenched' turns this into something called a participle phrase, which needs to be attached to a sentence. I don't see a reason why, if you left this as an 'ing' verb, you would separate it from the sentence prior. This isn't a moment with strong character voice. (And to be honest, participle phrases are not fragments I typically see on their own) Just keep an eye out in the future. Correct grammar isn't a necessity, but it does act as shorthand to help people understand your writing better.
Last thing: while it is super fun to get a peek into all the dragons' thoughts, you may want to treat it more like dialogue, where the thoughts get broken up by actions. It'll keep you from having really long sections of text that don't have a lot of imagery or action.
Hope this helps,
-Vento
Greetings @dragonight9!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye another intriguing chapter of the story titled “Shadow's Rising” that deserves a good review. Therefore without further ado, let us begin.
I. It all Begins at the Beginning
The beginning of this chapter radiates a very peaceful feeling. The story opens up with Shadow who is starting his day with feeling the cold water of the stream on his face. He is preparing for the arrival of the Flame Wing, an event that he has been eagerly looking forward to. I can sense his curiosity and excitement about this particular event. The description Shadow's morning routine sets the scene and creates a relatable connection to the character.
II. That Part
As Shadow goes about his training, the narrative takes a twisty turn as he senses the approach of two dragons. Your writing skillfully conveys Shadow's fear of being seen and also his quick thinking as he hides from the unknown dragons. This definitely adds intrigue to the story.
But also the fact that we got to hear from Ash again is something quite amazing. I remember his part of the story, the part where he got possessed by an extremely evil dragon king.
III. The Door to Improvements
As I said, the narrative takes a turn when Shadow senses the two unknown dragons, but you can add a bit more tension and suspense by letting Shadow actually think that they saw him and make it seem as if the dragons are looking down. Of course, they won't see him, but you can always make make things a bit more dramatic by adding the suspense. After all, suspense makes a story even better.
Furthermore, another thing to consider is providing the chapters with subtitles, this will not only help the reader to orient within the story, but it will definitely make it clear what this chapter will be about and at which part of the story we are.
IV. When all is Said and Done
Chapter 7 of "Shadow's Rising" leaves us with many questions and uncertainties( especially how it ended with a question). The story amps up the excitement for when the Flame Wing meets the dragonets, and it hints at the possibility of a huge shift in the plot.
In simple terms, Chapter 7 keeps you interested with its mysteries, character relationships, and hints at what's coming next. It makes you feel connected to the story and its characters.
V. Seek Inspiration Beyond
I haven't come by any other stories similar to yours, but feel free to check out the story "Scars In Blue" by @Serrurie for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!
That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!
Yours in Puzzling Shadows,
Rose
Thanks for the review, it looks very professional.
I might do subtitles so that those who read this without reading the prior stories will understand it.
Also, I like that you commented on the previous story about Ash. Cronologicly it happens soon after this in the overall story.