Authors note: this is a continuation of the last chapter and is the memory Shadow was about to peer into in that chapter. A memory of Shadow's mother, Umbra.
Chapter 6
Umbra stopped for a moment to breathe and looked at
the cave around her. It was large enough that she could just barely spread her dark purple wings without touching the celling, but the ground was broken and had to be
climbed over with her tough, yet soft, padded talons.
The glow worms barely cast enough light to make her smooth obsidian scales glisten, but that wasn’t a
problem for a Night Wing like her. Even so, climbing over the rough terrain of
the tunnel floor was exhausting.
“Come on, Umbra!” The agile and lithe female dragon
ahead of her whispered.
“I’m coming, I’m coming. Not everyone is a cave
spider like you,” She replied.
Of the three dragons ahead of her, the one furthest
ahead and beckoning to her was named Vesper. The larger male dragon just
climbing up to the ledge beside Vesper was Tenebrosity. He was the biggest of
the four of them and was also older by one year than the rest of them. He was almost
more dark blue or purple than black. The small female dragon just in front of
her was Sombre.
“Why do we even need to take these back tunnels
anyway?” Sombre complained.
“Because we don’t want the grown ups getting all
mad that miss princess over there is hanging out with ‘commoners’ like us,”
Vesper replied. “Besides, it’s a lot more fun this way,” she laughed as she
leapt to the next rock.
“If they’re so worried about you, why do you keep breaking
out of the palace to hang out with us? Don’t you have some higher class friends
to play with?” Tenebrosity asked. Umbra helped Sombre up to the ledge and leapt
up beside her.
“You guys are my only real friends. All the boys in the palace want to do is show off or try to flatter me with fake
compliments, in the hopes that I’ll favor them when I choose a mate some day. Meanwhile,
all the girls want to do is look pretty and talk about which boys they want to
marry. Ugh."
She made a gagging motion as she stuck out her tongue.
"Nooooo thank you. With you guys I get to actually DO
stuff. Plus, everybody in the palace is all like, ‘Umbra! Don’t walk so near
the edge! What if you fall?’ or ‘A princess does not roll around on the
ground like a common dragonet.’ and my personal favorite ‘Umbra! Where did you
learn that dreadful language!’” Umbra said, copying her tutor’s horrified reprimands.
All the dragons broke down laughing. Vesper fell on
her back in a fit of laughter clutching her chest while Sombre tried to cover
her mouth grinning ear to ear. Eventually their crippling giggles subsided, and
they were able to continue their adventure.
Eventually they reached one of the exit tunnels.
Most of the time they were empty since only the hunters and guards were allowed
to use them. Umbra and her friends loved to explore around there and if the
guard was distracted or asleep they would sneak a peek outside.
If they did get
caught, Umbra always distracted the guards so that her friends could get away
and avoid being punished. They couldn’t do anything to her after all.
“Hey guys!” Vesper whispered excitedly from the
entrance to the main tunnel. “The guard today is different. I don’t think I’ve
seen him before.”
Everyone crowded around the corner to take a look.
The entrance to the tunnel was only a few wingspans
away. The guard sat on the ground near the entrance. His wings were drooped,
and his tail laid unmoving behind him. He looked back and forth in a slow,
depressed manner.
“Awww. He seems so sad,” Sombre mewed
compassionately.
“Yeah, well, of course. Guard duty sucks. Just
sitting there for hours watching for nothing with no one to talk to. Talk about
boring and depressing. I mean, I get that having another guard is ‘distracting’
but seriously!” Tenebrosity snorted. “And the worst part is that I only became
old enough to be put on guard duty last summer and he looks even younger than
me. I bet this is one of his first times on guard duty.”
“Hmmm. Why don’t we go cheer him up a bit then?”
Umbra suggested. The others looked at her as if she had just suggested jumping
into a cave bat nest.
“Come on Umbra! You know we aren’t allowed this far
from the city. If he reports us we’ll be severely punished, and if they think
we kidnaped you we could be put in prison or worse!” Vesper hissed.
“Hmph! Well, I’m going to go brighten his day. As
princess, I can’t just stand by while one of my guards looks so sad and
pathetic now can I?” she joked before boldly walking out into the passage and creping towards the guard.
Most Night Wings were stealthy by nature, so it was
easy for her to sneak up on the guard while he was focused on what was in front
of him. She looked back at her friends who still peeked out from the passage.
Their eyes looked like they were glowing in the light of the moon and stars
from outside. She smiled at them, then stepped up beside the guard not caring
about keeping silent anymore.
“What a nice night we’re having.”
“Ahhh! What?! Who?!”
The guard jumped up and turned to Umbra only to
trip on his own tail and fall back against the tunnel wall. Umbra barely
suppressed a giggle and offered the guard a talon.
“Sorry about that. Here, let me help you,” she said
with a friendly smile. The guard shook his head and took the offered talon.
“Thank you miss. Sorry for jumping like that. I
didn’t expect anyone to be out here…” He trailed off and his eyes widened as he
realized who he was talking to.
“Princess Umbra! I’m so sorry for acting so
disgracefully in front of your highness like that,” he said, quickly bowing.
“Oh please, no need for all the formality. Just
call me Umbra, and you needn’t worry about disgracing yourself before me or
anything. I’ve stepped on my own tail before,” she said dismissively. The guard
stood awkwardly, not sure how to act.
“Um… very well, uh… Umbra. Thank you for forgiving
my informality. If I May ask… why you are here?” he asked, looking around for her
escort.
“I simply decided to stretch my legs and didn’t
want to bother the guards so I may have just… slipped out on my own for a bit,”
Umbra replied slyly giving him a wink.
“But prince- I mean, Umbra. It’s dangerous to be
out here on your own. What if something were to happen to you? What if some of
the cave beasts were to attack?” the guard asked, concerned.
Umbra smiled. He looked kind of cute when he was
concerned about her. And he actually seemed concerned about her. Unlike
those at the palace who simply worried about her position.
“Well, that’s why I have such a brave guard to
protect me, right?” She said with a cute smile. The guard still didn’t seem
convinced.
“I really should escort you back to the palace… But
then nobody would be here to keep watch...” He seemed torn about what to do.
“Well, why don’t I keep watch with you for a
while?” Umbra suggested. “I’d like to stay a bit longer and it would be nice to
have some company while you keep watch right? You seemed quite depressed
earlier.”
The guard sighed. He couldn’t go against the wishes
of a princess after all.
“Very well. I’d be honored to accept your company
for the evening.”
He sat down and gestured to a seat beside him.
Umbra smiled happily as she sat down.
“I never did get your name,” She mentioned.
"Oh. Please forgive me. My name is Dawngazer."
Hello again, my friend!
I can see why you would be proud of this chapter. It's so nice to see a memory of Umbra's, and to see some more Night Wings. I really like your choice of names, too. "Sombre" and "Dawngazer" are both REALLY cool for dark dragons, and I like the appearance described for Tenebrosity, as he's more bluish-purple than pitch-black. Cool to picture, and good on you for adding variation to dragons of the same species.
~ on a side note, I think you forgot to capitalize Tenebrosity's name toward the beginning, but that's the only error I spied ~
Umbra's character sounds interesting. She seems energetic and charming. Kind as she relates to the guards and her friends, but a little cheeky too as she mocks her tutor and teases Dawngazer. I also like how she seems like the classic princess or aristocrat, looking for a more thrilling life than the one set for her. I also liked her interaction with Dawngazer, as they were really cute, and it ended on a note that would be great to build on in later chapters. It'd be good to learn what became of him (as well as Vesper, Tenebrosity, and Sombre), considering this is a memory.
The chapter had nice pacing and clear descriptions. The dialogue felt natural and easy to follow. It was good to get more information on Night Wings, as this lets us know more about the main character and his roots by extension. I like exploring the other dragon species, like Ice Wings and Storm Wings, but this felt needed and was incorporated in a good way.
I hope to see more of Umbra's shared memories in the future. In the meantime, this was great!
I was actually considering doing a short novel about Umbra and the events leading up to the night she met Jarid. But that's a ways off.
Anyway I'm so glad you're enjoying, keep up the great reviews
That's a great idea! And no problem!
Greetings!
I have returned. This was not exactly what I was expecting the next chapter to look like. I was picturing that Shadow would fall asleep without mention of his mother--Umbra for at least another few pages. My surprise when this whole next scene is dedicated to her memory.
So, it appears that Umbra, too was a compassionate dragonet once. Perhaps this is a trait that was passed down from her to her son, Shadow. Again, I love the compassionate characteristic of your dragons.
I really liked the dialogue here and the conflict Umbra feels over her princesshood. She wants to be treated just like anyone else, but obviously, she is royalty. I'm glad to see that she has found friends who are supportive of her and respect her not only for her position, but also for her character. How nice! I always like it when the sweet characters get sweet friends to match their personalities.
I do have a few things to point out. (as always, lol)
"Tenebrosity" should be capitalized here.
This is a perfectly legal sentence, but I suggest phrasing it like this: "The guard stood awkward, not sure of how to act." I feel like that would be a better phrasing, but no biggy. You may not agree with me, and that's totally fine. It's just a suggestion anyway.
At this point, I'm only going to point out errors that I haven't seen before as far as grammar goes because I think I've already gone over most of the comma and period rules.
Excellent job as always.
-Kaia
Heyhey @dragonight9!
How is life treating you?
I am back here with a review for this fascinating chapter of "Shadow's Rising".
First of all, I'm glad to see that you have considered some of the suggestions for improvement, such as shortening the length. The chapters are much easier to read and, of course, to review.
I am actually somewhat surprised to read that Shadow his mother was royalty, a princess to be exact. Does that make Shadow a prince? A night wing prince? Well, this is getting very interesting...
In my opinion, you did create an extremely rare name for Shadow his mother. But it really is a nice name. It really is a good match for her personality.
The name refers to independence, which I did read about Umbra herself in the story. Umbra is someone who values autonomy and prefers to march to the beat of their own drum. She has a strong sense of self and be unafraid to venture into unexplored territories, seeking personal growth and experiences outside societal norms. That would also explain why she has "commoners" as friends and why she isn't afraid to do things her way.
Umbra definitely has a creative spirit. I mean, how did she come up with the idea of using the tunnels to escape from the palace? She also has a strong and dedicated attitude, always going after what she wants with a lot of passion and determination.
I feel that Umbra might possess inner strength and resilience. She may have a knack for navigating difficult situations, adapting to change, and finding opportunities for growth even in the midst of adversity.
The name is also rather mysterious, because the word "umbra" refers to a shadow or darkness cast by an object. But, you never know what is going on in the mind of the writer, therefore I will not make up countless theories, just in case you already have got a huge dark twist in store...
You did create some very interesting and quite nice friends for Umbra, such as Tenebrosity, the largest and oldest dark purple dragon, Vesper, and then Sombre. I'm beginning to wonder what happened to cause Shadow to grow up without his mother.
The encounter with the guard was quite, how shall I put it, it was quite compelling and charming in a certain way.
The fact that Umbra was not afraid to go up to him and have a little chit-chat was indicative of her independent personality, but also her caring personality, she decided to talk to the guard mainly because he looked depressed. Shadow probably got that from his mother, being independent and caring, definitely caring.
Not a lot of ideas for improvement coming from me this time, with the exception of this part of your chapter:
You forgot the quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence. And maybe, for a story, it would be better to remove the extra 'o's that you put with the "no" and to not put the word "do" in capitals.
Here an example of how you could rewrite it:
Describing Umbra's appearance to give the reader a clear picture of her would be another small improvement.
This chapter was a pleasure to read, you have once again amazed me with the amazing chapter of your amazing story.
Keep on doing what you do!
Me,
Red Riddle Rose
Thanks for the review,
I do actually describe Umbra and how/why Shadow grew up alone in the prologue of this story if you want more details.
Shadow's Rising: Prologue
Though it is probably a good idea to remind the reader of this so thanks for the comment.
Hey there,
I'm here to leave you a review!
First of all, I think it is very nice of you to do some kind of flashback with Shadows mother. I really like it and I think it is a nice dynamical change to your story. I must say that you choice of names is amazing! You did a great job over here and I really enjoyed reading this chapter.
Characters:
Umbra
Dawngazer
Umbra's friend's
About Umbra:
I like the description of her, but I would suggest adding some more visual appearence of her.
e.g.
Umbra has climbed to the top, her purple and dark blue wings resting on her back and her eyelids are dark blue. Her breathing is under control and, unlike her friends, she is not tired of climbing, in fact she is excited to be up there.
I love the personality you have given to her and I think it is the best way possible to make her the mother of Shadow.
I really like the idea of her keeping Dawngazer company while on duty. She seems/seemed like she is/was going to be an amazing princess. I did think you could have worked more on her character development and maybe also add some more little scenarios or talking where she is the little palace ((Don't mind me saying, little palace, it is just that I am obsessed with Shadow and Bone on Netflix and am currently watching season two, so yeah. That's that.))
~~~
Dawngazer
I love the funny backstory behind his name and I love the sun too!!!
I really think you did a great job making him seem awkward and insecure in the beginning with being around the princess and calling her by her real name rather than Princess. I like that.
Question though, Is Dawngazer Shadow his dad??
I read part two too of episode 6 and it seems like there is cooking up some smoky stew. So, is he?? That would be cute.
Dawngazer a palace guard and Umbra her royal majesty parents of Shadow.
You never know, it could be a possible theorie for your story. I wonder.
I also think he could use some more character development like describe his movements more or explore his thoughts.
~~~
Umbra's friend's
I really liked that they were supportive and overprotective over her. I do think you could have shown more of them rather than just cut them off after Umbra went to talk to Dawngazer
e.g.
As Umbra makes her way to Dawngazer Sombre, Vesper and Tenebrosity make their way to a quiet spot some distance away from Umbra and Dawngazer. Sobre raises his eyebrows when he sees Umbra giggling at something Dawngazer has just explained. Tenebrosity tells him to calm down, as they will be leaving in a few minutes when night falls.
~~~
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this story. I am glad that it wasn't too long, but I really liked it. In fact I am impressed by your hand picked choice of names, I am thinking about getting some lessons. But that's for another time, when I have more time. I am very excited to see where this goes and I really really really hope that you are going to explain wether Dawngazer is Shadow's father or not?
Oehhh, I wonder what Umbra's parents will think if they find out she has a child with the guard...
Keep writing! Have an amazing day or night! You did a fabulous job!
Magically yours,
Rinisha
Thanks Rinisha,
I actually planned to write a whole story for Umbra and her friends. A short book about the Night Wings and the events leading up to the beginning of the main story.
There are many things happening in the shadows during the course of the main story and it is all controlled by a certain evil dragon and the Night Wings. So, I want Umbra's story to be much more in depth and reveal all the things happening behind the scenes, including how the evil dragon rose to power among the Night Wings.
And lastly, yes, Dawngazer is Shadow's father, though I wanted it to be clear that Shadow doesn't realise this. Perhaps they'll meet later, or perhaps not.
Hey hey,
Thank you so much for your answer!
I am more excited to see where you are taking Umbras story than Shadows tbh.
I am so so happy that Dawngazer is Shadows father, I do hope you write some more about how exactly Dawngazer is Shadows father.
I wish you luck with writing!
See ya,
Rinisha