See part 1: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/dragonig...
“Anyways I have a question for you,” Gale interjected trying to change the topic. Shadow could feel the uncomfortable feelings that were swirling inside all of them and didn’t want to make things more awkward by pushing further.
“Ok, what is it Gale?”
“I was wondering how strong your human friend is. Did he have a metal stick? Was he at least fun to mess with?”
“He’s really strong.” Shadow said with an excited smile. “He trained and played with me almost every day! He’d let me win most of the time when we were just play-wrestling but in actual training he is so strong he can beat me pretty much every time. He’s really good at fighting and dodging and stuff. His flames are even as strong as mine.”
“Humans can breath fire?!” Hailstorm with disbelief and excitement in his voice.
“No, no. Jarid can use very strong fire magic. That’s what I meant.”
“Hmm. I’ve read about humans using magic. But the books barely commented on it.” Hailstorm muttered to himself. Perhaps they simply couldn’t believe human magic was comparable to dragon mage. Or maybe… maybe they didn’t want to mention it since it was embarrassing that another race had magic equal to or greater than ours. Hmmm…
“Well, we don’t really know how strong this dragonet is, do we? I mean, you’re a Night Wing after all. Your flame can’t be all that good if a human beat it. I bet the Flame Wing dragonet would be able to beat your human easily,” Gale said arrogantly. Shadow frowned.
“No. Jarid is just really strong that’s all.”
“Really? Prove it!” Gale said with a smile as he crouched down to fight. His mind was practically shouting, Yes! Let’s go new dragon. I can’t wait to fight you. This will be so fun. I’ll prove how strong I am by crushing you!
Shadow wasn’t about to take the bait though. He took a deep breath and sat down to smooth out his wings.
“Not right now. Maybe later,” He said in a disinterested voice. Gale growled in frustration.
Ha! Serves you right for making fun of Jarid lizard brain. Shadow thought.
“Fine then, hatchling. I guess you’re just afraid of fighting a real dragon after getting your tail beaten by a mere human anyway,” Gale huffed as he flicked his tail in annoyance.
There was a bit of an awkward pause with none of the dragonets knowing what to say next. Then Shadow remembered that he had a lot of questions he had wanted to ask the dragonets.
“Hey Tempest, why can’t you use your magic?” Shadow asked. Tempest shrugged grumpily.
“It’s not like I can’t use magic, it just takes forever to charge up even the smallest bolt of lightning. Even when I do have time to charge it my lightning barely even tickles the guardians. Surge always said I needed to imagine generating a storm inside my lungs and then roaring it out. I mean, hello dummy! How am I supposed to imagine a storm when I’ve never even seen one!” She cried in annoyed frustration. “Stupid guardians.” She muttered.
Shadow nodded to himself. He’d never really considered that. Maybe if Jarid saw a big lightning storm he could make one with magic.
“Um, excuse me.” Aurora raised her talon while looking at Shadow questioningly. “How did you know Tempest couldn’t use magic very well?”
“Come to think of it. How did you know anything about us in the first place?” Boulder wondered.
Shadow felt a chill sweep through him. Should he tell the dragonets about his mind reading powers? Would they still trust him, or would they think he was peeking into their thoughts on purpose?
He and Jarid had read a few stories with characters who had mind reading powers. It almost always ended bad when others found out.
Maybe they really will get rid of me if they find out. But what do I tell them?! Shadow panicked, his mind racing for an answer while trying to keep his face from giving away anything.
“Well? How did you know about me?” Tempest asked suspiciously.
“Oh, um… I was, uh… listening to you.” Shadow stammered meekly.
“Not in a bad way though!” He quickly amended. “It was just like watching a play. Not that I thought anything happening to you was for entertainment. It was entertaining though. I’m not saying your lives were boring…”
“HOW were you listening to us?” Tempest interrupted Shadow’s awkward bumbling. Shadow’s wings started trembling nervously.
“Well… uh… m-magic? I guess? It wasn’t bad or anything. I just listened. It’s not like I-”
“Could you teach us how to do it?” Hailstorm interrupted excitedly. “What does it do exactly?”
“I can’t teach you how to do it. It’s something only Night Wings can do. And don’t worry, it just lets me listen to what you’re saying.”
“I’ve never read about…”
“Hey guys, it doesn’t really matter how he heard us right?” Aurora interrupted, gently trying to calm the group.
“What really matters is that he saw that we needed help and came to free us from the cave. We should be thanking him, not questioning him.”
The other dragonets huffed but didn’t pressure Shadow any further. Shadow sighed as his wings relaxed.
Then Boulder stepped forward.
“We should probably find somewhere to hide and rest while we decide what we’re going to do next. There is so much out here that is new to us, and we aren’t ready to go anywhere yet. Quake might come searching for us too, and I don’t want to be sitting out here like a deer in a field when he does.”
The other dragonets nodded and started thinking about where they wanted to go.
“You could stay in dragon valley with me for a while if you want.” Shadow offered.
He hadn’t really considered what he had just said. It just kind of, slipped out. Even though being around the dragonets made him nervous he still desperately wanted their company. He wasn’t sure if it was because they were the first dragons he had met or simply the only people he could talk to, but he didn’t want them to leave. The thought of being alone while he waited for Jarid to return made something clench in Shadow’s chest.
“It’s a safe place while you get used to being outside. No one has found it in the entire time I’ve been alive, so you won’t be found. It’s got a lot of room too so you can stay as long as you want.”
“Why would you want to help us? Isn’t your conscience clear after freeing us? Why go so far?” Tempest asked suspiciously.
“Well… I guess I just wanted someone to talk to since Jarid is gone. I’ve been really lonely since he left. And maybe you could show me what being a dragon is like? I… I just want some friends.” Shadow’s wings sagged dejectedly.
“I’ll be your friend!” Aurora declared happily giving Shadow a bright smile as she bumped his wing with hers. Shadow smiled gratefully at her kind and friendly spirit.
“Thanks Aurora.”
Then he picked himself up and spread his wings. “Well. Do you want to come to my home?” He asked. There was a general nodding, though Tempest still looked skeptical.
“Alright then. Just follow me.” Shadow called as he leapt into the air.
End of chapter and part 2 of my book. (I haven't posted part 1 since it is from Jarid's perspective and I have a lot of editing to do)
Author's note:
I was thinking of adding a description of their trip but didn't have any dialogue for it. Please let me know if I should keep it as is or what kind of dialogue you might want to see.
End of chapter
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hello again, my friend!
What a perfect conclusion to this part of the story! I feel like a lot happened already, but there's still so much to build off of, so we the readers are still invested and willing to follow the story should you update! For the breakdown, I'm again doing both parts of the chapter in one review:
You really nailed the dialogue between Shadow and the other dragonets. You managed to show how, despite the fear of shock or even rejection from his new friends, Shadow is proud and shameless in having a human brother, really showcasing how much he cares about Jarid. It also plays into how humans are perceived by dragonkind. The dragonets clearly don't know much about humans, and are generally ignorant on the subject, yet they still *assume* all humans are bad or have malicious intent, showing there is clearly a lot of bitterness and misunderstanding between the tribes. Likewise, Shadow's point about how they're not so different was very well delivered. He really comes off as the mature one of the group; despite being a young age, he has so much more experience...at least, when it comes to humans and living outside a cave. I am very interested in the dragonets potentially helping him connect to his dragon roots, just as Shadow will hopefully continue to teach them about the good humans out there.
The responses were well in line with the dragonets' personalities, as well. How Aurora was very open, Tempest and Gale were more standoffish, and Boulder and Hailstorm were generally neutral and more curious. Points for consistency!
Also, though a very minor moment, Shadow rejecting a fight and mentally calling Gale a lizard brain made me chuckle ~
There were just a couple of potential errors that I noticed, particularly in Part 1. Here:
"...He had named it dragon valley even before he brought be there..."
I feel like "Dragon Valley" should be capitalized, and it should be "brought me there." Then one more time right here:
"Their thoughts were so loud and numerous he could barely think strait."
I think you meant "straight" at the end -that aside, I really like that you added this note, as it seems more realistic and shows the downside to mind reading: being bombarded with everybody's racing thoughts all at once!
And finally, your note about an ending describing their trip...
I get the struggle! Like, you have the image clearly, but where are the dang words apart from "they went there"? Frustrating, right? lol
Anyway, I personally think writing in the trip could be a good thing, and you could spin it as a sort of conclusion for Wing 2. Like, you could do something like having Shadow lead them to Dragon Valley, and on the way, he overhears the dragonets' thoughts about him for now, and what direction their characters may be going. Like Tempest thinking she doesn't trust him but at least wants to stick around for Aurora, while Hailstorm wants to use this as an opportunity to learn from him, etcetera. Then it ends with them landing in the clearing, maybe with some notes about the "glistening stream" or the "dense green leaves" to really build the final picture, and Shadow welcomes them to Dragon Valley??
(Too much? Sorry I feel like a "backseat writer" right now, this story is just so fun to form theories with! And there's nothing really wrong with the ending as is, either. If anything, you could call it a cliffhanger, lol)
Anyway, whatever you decide to do in the future, Wing 2 was overall an awesome adventure, and I really enjoyed Shadow's story so far! And Wing 1, I'm looking at you XD
Thanks so much!
I'm so grateful for the spelling corrections you pointed out. Very helpful.
I also really like your idea of showing where the characters are going. I'll have to do some thinking on what specifically to do for that, but I'll definitely do something like that.
Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.
Per my interpretation, this was incredible! It showed a lot of conflict between all of the dragonets, what some of them think, and their general lack of trust with the newbie. This is going to help build a great foundation for the rest of the novel and some bigger conflicts that will come along the way.
If I could offer any sort of advice, I wouldn't! This was a wonderful addition to the novel! There was a great plot, some conflict, and even more character development.
So, instead of offering a critique, I will respond to your author's note.
I think adding a description of their trip could be really enticing! But the dialogue would be a little tricky.
Maybe you could build upon the tension between Tempest and Shadow. Just show the lack of trust between the two, and possibly make Tempest distance herself from the group to show the lack of confidence she has in Shadow.
Or maybe you could make the other dragonets question Shadow's powers some more and show Shadow's awkwardness and lack of lying skills.
I think it would be great if you showed the trip and just built upon some of the other conflicts in the chapter that kind of divided some of the group.
But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take these recommendations lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by them—only trying to provide a somewhat useful answer to the author's note.
If I had to pick my favorite part, I think it would be the way you showed Shadow's maturity as the new dragon. Refusing to fight Gale, even though that's what Gale wanted.
And then went right on, in almost the very next sentence, to show his true thoughts, which were honestly really immature.
I just thought that not only was it funny, but it also showed the depth of Shadow's character. Even though he's still pretty new to what's going on, he has a lot of restraint but can also be joking and feisty.
This scene did a great job revealing more about the characters, and it did it in a somewhat comedic way, so kudos to you for being able to make that work!
Overall, you did an absolutely fantastic job, and I'm really looking forward to reading more about these infamous dragonets!
Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope the next chapters come swiftly and are just as good, if not better than this one!
Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!
Thanks for the review and the suggestions. I might end up adding a bit about how the dragonets are still learning how to fly in the open sky after being stuck in their cave.
Thanks for pointing out the potential conflict with Tempest. I'll be sure to add some conflict with her later