z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Shadow's Rising Chapter 6 (part 2)

by dragonight9


“Oh. Please forgive me. My name is Dawngazer.”

Umbra looked at him curiously.

“I’ve never heard a name like that before.”

“My parents say that I hatched just as the sun was rising and looked straight at it until I started crying because it hurt so much,” Dawngazer explained. Umbra couldn’t keep herself from doubling over laughing.

Dawngazer was very intrigued. He’d never imagined the princess of the Night Wings would be so… normal. He’d always thought that dragon nobility lived in a completely different world. Yet here the princess was, laughing at a funny mistake he made as a hatchling. It made him wonder if they were more alike than he realised.

“Well that wasn’t very smart. I guess you learned your lesson though,” Umbra said through the giggles. Dawngazer chuckled too.

“Yeah. Though I think the reason I looked for so long was that I thought the sun was a massive jewel. A piece of treasure that was given to me the moment I hatched. Even now I still love looking up at all the stars spread out like diamonds sprinkled across the night sky.”

Dawngazer looked up at the twinkling white lights in the dark blanket of the night sky.

Umbra looked up at them too. They were so beautiful, sparkling like so much treasure. Even so she found her gaze drawn back to Dawngazer as he continued looking up into the sky with a slight smile. The moonlight from the mouth of the cave bathing him in a soft silver light and making his scales shine like jewels themselves. 

She couldn’t help but smile gently. He looked so handsome when he smiled like that. She could feel something warm and strange stirring inside her. He looked at her as if to say something and paused then turned away quickly, but not before Umbra noticed him blushing. It made her heart start to beat faster and the warmth in her chest spread to her cheeks making her feel a bit uncomfortable.

“What’s so interesting over there?” She asked teasingly, trying to get over the awkwardness.

“Oh nothing,” Dawngazer replied quickly. “Would you like me to show you some of the constellations I know?” He asked, trying to change the topic.

“Certainly,” Umbra replied, relieved to change the topic as well.

As the night went on it got colder, and they both shuffled closer together for warmth as Dawngazer showed her the constellations. At some point their tails had twined together and Dawngazer had covered Umbra with a wing.

As the sky started to get brighter Umbra realised she had to get back to the castle before somebody noticed she was missing. It was a bit awkward getting untangled but eventually she stood facing Dawngazer.

“Thank you. That was wonderful, but I need to get back now,” She said, hesitating. She wanted to say more. She wanted to speak with him again some time.

“No thank you Umbra. You have no Idea how much it meant for me to have your company tonight. Please, if there is anything I can do to repay you simply ask and it shall be done,” He said with a polite bow.

“Well… Since you offered…” Umbra said hesitantly, and a bit awkwardly. “I would ask that you not mention meeting me here tonight. And, maybe, if I were to meet you again… would you keep me company?”

Dawngazer’s smile lit up his face and set Umbra’s heart fluttering again.

“Yes. Of course, my lady. The star’s beauty is only rivaled by your own,” He said, like a heroic knight from some fantasy story.

Now, normally, Umbra could keep herself from hearing other dragon’s thoughts and she had always been taught not to listen for them out of respect, but in that moment his thoughts were so loud and obvious she couldn’t help but hear them.

Oh, Come on Dawngazer! Really?! The star’s beauty is only rivaled by your own? How awkward can you be?! Are you trying to disgrace yourself in front of the most beautiful dragon you’ve ever met? And the princess on top of that?!

Umbra’s heart couldn’t help but melt at the humble awkwardness and genuine compliments he was giving her. The fact that he had been so awkward about it but tried anyway only made him seem even cuter.

“Thank you Dawngazer. I… I really appreciate that,” She whispered. She could feel herself blushing and turned away to try and cover it up as much as she could.

“I will see you again Dawngazer. In fact, I look forward to it.” She said in her princess voice. She could feel Dawngazer watching her and blushed even more as she quickly walked down the tunnel and turned the corner.

Her friends were still there waiting with knowing smiles. After their teasing ended, they returned to the castle where she resumed her life as ‘princess’ Umbra.

Even so, she looked forward to meeting Dawngazer again. Next time she hoped she would get a bit more time alone with him.

There were indeed many more memories of Umbra’s time spent with Dawngazer. Most of them seemed unimportant to him and it made Shadow wonder why they were so important to his mother that she passed them on to Jarid. In most of them she was filled with the same strange warm awkward feeling as the first time they met, but she always seemed happier in those memories than in any others. 

They were also the memories where he felt her love for him the strongest. So, he clung to them as his mind faded to darkness, and he took comfort in the love he found there.


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Tue Dec 12, 2023 8:43 pm
RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello again, my friend!

*I didn't realize the next chapter would be a continuation of Umbra's memory, though in hindsight, maybe I should've figured that out from the clearly-labeled "part 1" and "part 2." Dang my spacy mind, haha.*

Ah, my heart has MELTED from how cute this chapter was! I'm normally not one for judging romance, as I struggle with the genre myself, but the way you described the budding relationship between Umbra and Dawngazer -everything from the slight awkwardness to Dawngazer's little remark about her beauty- immediately drew an interest, as well as more of an emotional connection to these characters. Like a good romance story is supposed to do, it reads as a sort of "comfort" chapter. I mean, like I said, I'm far from a romance-writing expert but I know that's usually the goal, so great job!

The vivid descriptions were so amazing to read, for both the setting and dragons. That line, "The moonlight from the mouth of the cave bathing him in white light making his scales shine like jewels themselves." Incredible! Gorgeous! The notes about not just what they're seeing in front of them, but how it's making them feel internally ("It made her heart start to beat faster and the warmth in her chest spread to her cheeks making her feel a bit uncomfortable") was also very well done and really draws us in.

Shadow feeling confused about the love between Umbra and Dawngazer, but finding comfort in the shared memories of Umbra's love for him is so precious. It really reminds the reader that despite all that's happening in the story, with trying to train himself and always listening to the dragonets, he's still just a child himself.

No critiques on structure, though there was a minor typo in that paragraph with Dawngazer looking at the stars, the same quote I brought in in the last paragraph actually. "Bathing him [it] white light..." Rest assured, it did not take away from the impact of the scene, haha. And this isn't a critique, though speaking from experience, I would also consider trying out the term "silver light" from stars and the moon. White light works just fine, of course, though silver seems to conjure an image of something a little dimmer and more "shimmery," to really get that enchanting fantasy effect. But sheesh, now I'm being nitpicky -again, the scene was wonderful, and I'm not a professional, haha.

Anyway, a great follow-up to great exposition. I think this, both parts of chapter 6, may be my new favorite chapters! A close contender with that epic prologue. 10/10, great work! :)




dragonight9 says...


Yay! This exactly what I was hoping for.
I wanted to write a romance scene while adding a bit more to Shadow's backstory and character.
I still have to go through these chapters and do a more thorough spell check so thanks for pointing it out, and don't worry about getting nit picky, I'm always looking for ways to improve so even the smallest corrections are helpful.
I'll probably go back and use your silver light idea. It'll be great not to reuse the same word I did for the color of the star light. Thanks ;)



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Fri Jun 23, 2023 12:49 am
cookiesandcream123 wrote a review...



Hi, dragonight! Jumping in to leave a review! :)

First of all: Bruhh how are they so cutee!! This is the first chapter I've read from your novel, so I don't really know the characters, BUT THIS CHAPTER ALONE IS ALREADY MAKING ME ROOT FOR THEM. Like seriously, their interactions are just too adorable. I was smiling the whole time I read it.

This has to be one of my favorite parts lol:

“What’s so interesting over there?” She asked teasingly, trying to get over the awkwardness.
“Oh nothing,” Dawngazer replied quickly.


And also when Dawngazer was internally panicking over what he said. It really added to his character, and it's cute that Umbra heard those thoughts! (Even though reading minds does sound like a scary power o_o)

All in all, you nailed their interactions and the description of Umbra's mysterious warm feeling. So wholesome! My only nitpick is that at the beginning, it seemed to be from Dawngazer's perspective and thoughts, but later it switched to Umbra's. This kinda threw me off, and I wasn't sure if it had been intentional. It does sound like this is a flashback to the past. But unless Shadow (or Jarid?) is viewing the memory from both Dawngazer and Umbra's sides, then the perspective switch doesn't rlly make sense to me. It's not a huge problem, though, and I still enjoyed reading this chapter a lot. Awesome work!! :D

(Also, pls tell me Dawngazer and Umbra ended up happily together. They didn't get torn apart, right? Right?! ;-;)




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Sun Jun 11, 2023 6:50 pm
Kaia wrote a review...



I had to return, lol, so here I am! *throwing hands up dramatically*
So, is this romance? *Tapping chin mischievously.* Yes, I do believe it is. The warm fluttery feeling inside of Umbra is definitely interest, awkward interest, but intense interest. Perhaps this guard is Shadow's mother? And if so, was it an accident Shadow came into being? Was that why Shadow's mother was driven out, because she is supposed to be shamed for mating with a dragon outside royalty? But who could blame her for choosing this guard if that is true? Obviously, this dragon has a heart full of warmth. He is down to earth and not caught up in romance. Neither is he flirty. He may be a perfect match...if only he were of royalty.

Okay, that's all my thoughts. I'm probably totally wrong, but I thought I needed to share my thoughts. I don't really expect you to answer my questions. I'm just writing them down so you know where you're leading this reader's mind. ;) I look forward to completing this mystery, but do not feel pressured into releasing the next chapters, as I know you are very busy. I will wait, and keep myself occupied with the other novels on my YWS reading list. :)

Now for my grammar nitpicks. ;)

“my parents say that I hatched just as the sun was rising and looked straight at it until I started crying because it hurt so much,” Dawngazer explained.


Capitalize "my" as it is the opening word to the dialogue written here.

at some point their tails had twined together and Dawngazer had covered Umbra with a wing.

Same thing. Capitalize "at."

"Thank you. That was wonderful, but I need to get back now,” She said hesitating.


Well, aside from my normal nitpick about the period and comma at the end of the dialogue, I also want to add that you should probably put a comma between "said" and "hesitating."

No. thank you Umbra. You have no Idea how much it meant for me to have your company tonight.

Try: "No thank you, Umbra." I think that'll make it a bit clearer. :)

The fact that he had been so Awkward about it but tried anyway only made him seem even cuter


I have to say this one's a little funny. Capitalizing "awkward" here really puts emphasis on it, but I'm not sure if you intended that kind of emphasis, lol. ;)

All right, that's it! Have an excellent weekend!
-Kaia




dragonight9 says...


Thanks,
I actually copied this over from Word and I used a special font to separate memories/visions from normal dialogue. Unfortunately this font has everything in caps so I couldn't tell where the capitals were when I transferred it here. So thanks for pointing them out.



Kaia says...


Aw, okay. That makes sense. Glad to help out. :)




shady and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws
— Tuckster