Young Writers Society

I believe you did an excellent job of giving this seemingly simple piece a creepy vibe. By beginning with the girl dancing, you set an eerie tone without being overt. I think it effectively portrays Williams's profound fear of the curse, to the extent that he feels anxious even just talking to someone.

"Her dress billowed and swayed around her, like Wilma’s did at parties. The girl had a smile on her face, her eyes blissfully closed.”

I also liked the words you used to describe the girl: billowed and swayed. It sets her character as a bit odd and mysterious, which is then confirmed when she doesn’t know William or his family’s curse.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well it looks like an interesting meeting here all the hidden potential for horrors of course ever so present lurking in the background. I think you've done a great job capturing it here.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

William sat cross-legged on the grass, watching the girl dance.

Her dress billowed and swayed around her, like Wilma’s did at parties. The girl had a smile on her face, her eyes blissfully closed.

William wished that he was a better artist, like Wilma. She could paint landscapes.

But when he drew the girl on paper with the blue and purple crayons, the only crayons Wilma let him use, the girl looked like a dancing clown and less like a dancing ballerina.

The girl stopped dancing and opened her eyes. She was looking directly at William.

He hastily closed his sketchbook. It wasn’t complete and she wouldn’t like it when it was finished anyway, but still, he felt the need to hide it.

“Were you looking at me?” She asked.

“Y-yes.” William stuttered. He didn’t expect her to acknowledge him. Everyone in town knew to avoid him and his family. She just moved, but she should have known after three days.

“I’m Philomena, but you can call me Mena.” She said.

“What’s your name?” Mena asked.

So she didn’t know. That explained her ease at talking to him.

Their parents always told Wilma and William, ever since they were little, that they should never talk to anyone. They said that they weren’t allowed to have children, that the Afton family name was cursed.

He had made only one friend. His name was Henry Emily and every day, he secretly feared that Henry was in danger. William liked being with him, but still, he worried.

Nothing had happened to Henry. Henry himself laughed at the Afton rumor.

Maybe he was right. Maybe it was just a rumor.

It would be nice to have a friend other than Henry…

“My name is William. William Afton.” He said, standing up.

He didn’t need to say his last name. It came out of instinct. Their parents told him and his sister that they should introduce themselves with their last names, so people would know to stay away from them.

“It’s nice to meet you, Will. Can I call you Will?” Mena asked.

“It’s alright, you can.” William said.

She was so sweet and beautiful…he hoped that she’d stay that way…