*This story is under my folder “Circe the ringmaster!”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=225. Enjoy!*
Zara never felt more at home than in her spider-cluttered apartment. Her parents never liked the spiders, but that was alright. They didn’t have to like them. What mattered was that the spiders had someone to care for.
But even as an adult, Zara still found herself wanting friends. Humans to talk to, humans who wouldn’t be afraid of her spiders.
In the distance, she heard tinkling, inviting calliope music.
It was in such a tune that Zara sat up from bed, ignoring the frantic crawling of her spiders.
They needn’t worry. She was going to be fine. All she was going to do was follow that music.
……………………………………………
…………………………………………….
Zara stopped. It appeared that she was standing in an abandoned circus, but she wasn’t alone.
The calliope music had led her to a preteen boy and two little girls who were conjoined together at the hip. There was a clown woman dressed as a conductor as well.
Why, exactly, had Zara followed the music?
“How did you get here? Did you all follow the calliope music?!” Zara asked.
“You heard it too?” The boy asked, his eyes full of fright. One of the conjoined girls looked confused, while the other was trying to console her.
The expression of the conductor clown stayed completely blank, as if she had nothing much to say about it. Zara had a lot to say, but first she asked:
“So did we all hear the same music? Did we-“
“WELCOME!” A woman’s voice boomed.
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141,721 Literary Works • 675,616 Reviews
hey creeperfeverdreams 👋 I've been reading a lot of your stuff lately, and this one pulled me right back in
The spiders were such a good way to open 🕷️ "What mattered was that the spiders had someone to care for" tells me everything about Zara in one line, and I felt for her wanting human friends who wouldn't be scared of her. And "They needn't worry. She was going to be fine" is quietly creepy, because you know she's not. Then "Why, exactly, had Zara followed the music?" made me grin 😂 because that's exactly what I was thinking.
a couple of small nitpicks 😅 "It appeared that she was standing in an abandoned circus" felt a bit flat for such a big reveal, and I wanted to see or hear something in that moment instead. Zara also follows the music pretty fast, so one beat of hesitation would make it hit harder.
Her two questions in the dialogue ("Did you all follow the calliope music?!" and then "So did we all hear the same music?") also felt like the same question twice, and "his eyes full of fright" told me the boy was scared when I'd rather see it in what he does.
but the conjoined girls and the blank-faced conductor clown were such a great creepy mix, and that "WELCOME!" cliffhanger had me wanting the next part right now 🎪 Keep it coming, I'm hooked.
Thx for reading/advice!
Good morning creeper! Review Day is over and we are currently trying to keep the count of works in the Green Room low. Let's see what we can learn about Zara in this story, huh?
I kinda feel like you could do a bit better at setting the scene. When does this take place? Where are we? What's her room look like? Where do the spiders live?Love the first sentence in establishing all the important traits. The last chapter was called Zara and the Spiders too so =D
Welll if the parents don't like the spiders there are ways they could have taken care of them, but didn't.
The way Zara thinks that she needs to take care of the spiders (despite them probably doing fine on their own) kinda reminds me that my favourite German youtuber made a video abt the tiny spider she decided to take care of (and make an educational video about). It was very wholesome. Sadly no English subtitles :/
Also how long does she follow the music? How did she not know abt the abandoned circus. Has she moved and is this a new place for her?
Well that is an intriguing end! So the circus and that woman summoned a lot of unique ppl, and knowing you, probably to enslave then in her circus, huh?
Yes, exactly. She is going to enslave them all in her circus.
Thx for reading/advice!
I really liked the mysterious atmosphere of this story. Zara’s relationship with the spiders immediately made her character interesting, and the calliope music leading her to an abandoned circus made me curious about what was going to happen next. I especially liked the ending because the sudden “WELCOME!” leaves a really good cliffhanger. And I have to say, the bananas requirement definitely made me laugh! 🍌