*This story is underneath my folder titled “Circe the ringmaster!”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Sawyer wrapped both of his arms around his Mom and Dad, happier beyond words that he was in Heaven with his parents.
But no, he had been in Heaven with them for a few years. What mattered to him more was that Clover joined him. Clover had been trapped in Earth, they all watched with terror in Heaven.
Circe promised a world of joy and magic. She promised to give everyone a chance to shine, and the only reason that Sawyer joined at all was so he could show off the magician skills he practiced in his youth, what his parents cheered on, what passing friends enjoyed, and…
And Circe broke that trust. She broke everyone. She tore them all apart and sucked on their bones.
“You have no idea how glad I am that we’re all okay.” Sawyer said, his elation settling in.
Dad smiled, Mom said:
“It’s always good to have you around, but you can join Clover if you want. We’ll be okay.”
Sawyer let go, looking at his parents with a question in his eyes.
“Are you sure? I could spend a few minutes with you, I’ve been dead for so long.” Sawyer said.
He died as a young adult, and he wanted to savor every moment with his loved ones.
But if his parents were fine with it, he’d go to Clover.
He missed the hug he gave her seconds earlier.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Ohhh that is an imagine and more:
That is very creepy and visceral!
I agree with that other review, it does feel like you should have had a number somewhere to indicate where in the timeline of your stories this should go.
I like this sentence, just how casual he says it:
And how it implies that after you've died you do get to spend as much time as you want with your loved one. But that still something is not right. I'm curious on how much influence or knowledge the dead have of what really is happening on earth or if they just hear things through the grapevine. Hmm....
Well, if they wanted to, the dead could listen in/watch the living world from where they are. They just have to focus hard enough.
Hello! Here to leave a quick review for this short story.
I guess my first critique would be that this seems more like a scene taking place within the final act of a story. It's very brief and there's not much of a story being told, which makes it a bit hard for me to give a review on.
Maybe give some context beforehand. Or maybe put together all the little snippets that make this chapter or final part of the story.
I guess this doesn't really count as a critique for this work, but rather the way scenes are organized - but then again, this is the only work I've read from you so far so please correct me if I'm wrong!
Aside from the snippet lacking context, I feel like the pacing of the scene also makes it feel too brief. The dialogue is very stunted and it reads more like a script.
Lastly this part here should be separated into two lines. Maybe put some emphasis on a pause when the dad smiles before the mom opens up abruptly as well.
That's pretty much everything. There's really not a lot that's wrong with this snippet per say, it's just a little bland and in the context of a full page or chapter it might read like filler than something memorable or meaningful. Hope this helps! Happy writing!
Thanks for reading! I have other stuff connected to this too:
The misadventures of Clover the clown!
Clover reunites with lost loved ones (and more)
Dakota’s origin
Sawyer’s childhood, his parents in Heaven
The death of Dakota’s family
Sawyer’s parents watch from Heaven
Angelese Circe watches her own teeth whiten!
ahh okay, that makes a lot more sense now. i'll try to remember to check them out! sorry for the harsh review... %uD83E%uDD72
No it%u2019s fine