*This story is underneath my folder titled “Circe the ringmaster!”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1395. Enjoy!*
“W-why did she leave? We were supposed to be friends!” Juniper sobbed.
They had all seen it. They had all seen Brooklyn panic and then run off to what they assumed to be the afterlife from the smell of flowers that was left behind after she ran.
Juniper wanted her to stay, but Emberlynn was glad that she left.
“She passed on. Which is exactly what we need to do. Come on, girls.” Dakota said, waving them over.
“No! I don’t want to be dead! I want to stay here, with the people!” Juniper cried out, stomping her foot.
Dakota sighed as though he was unsure how to answer, but Emberlynn knew exactly what to say.
“We are dead! Do you think I wanted to be dead? No! We are dead, but would you rather go to the afterlife or be trapped in a mirror?” Emberlynn asked.
They had all been dead for so long, Emberlynn wondered how Juniper maintained her child mindset. Perhaps it was to protect herself.
Either way, Emberlynn was so over it. So over trying to protect Juniper. So over trying to pretend.
Tears slipped out of Emberlynn’s eyes, the very first time she ever cried. Juniper looked up and gave her a hug as best as she could for a conjoined body.
“Come on girls, let’s go.” Dakota said softly.
The girls followed close behind as he led them to the flowers that awaited them all, the flowers that they all deserved.
Everything would be okay, because in the end, they had each other.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
hi again creeper!
I like the dynamics between characters here! Juniper’s fear feels believable because she does not want to leave the world behind, while Emberlynn’s frustration also makes sense because she has clearly been trying to stay strong for a long time. The moment where Emberlynn cries for the first time is especially touching for me because it shows that even the "tough" character has feelings too - it's hard to make characters like that have depth!
The main thing I would suggest is slowing the scene down a little. You have a lot of room for emotions, but I think you don't focus on the moments as long as you could. For example, when Juniper hugs Emberlynn "as best as she could for a conjoined body," that is a really interesting detail, and I would love to see it described more because it makes their connection feel even stronger. Some parts are also a little confusing, and I am a little unsure of what these beings are supposed to be? I assume not human? Can you focus a little more on describing each character so that readers have something to work with?
Still though, I feel like this has a lot of heart. The ending is sweet and comforting, and I would love to see you explore these characters more!
best,
cocteau
Thx for the review and your advice! :>
Came here in search of answers.
I am a fan of this reaction! I would think the same thing @.@Ok at least Brooklyn gets mentioned again. So we have another big jump forward. Also… I wish we got an explanation here on why Brooklyn needed to pass on, too. It sounds to me as if she’s also been trapped by Circe or smthing? Just… any hint on what went down would also give this snippet more meet and more meaningful emotion :3
I also like Ember’s insight into Juniper’s mind- that was well-written and explained.
Hmmm I think it would have made the snippet better if you explained why they haven’t thought of moving on, before. Why they are doing it right now, why they can do it now. I’m assuming the explanation lies elsewhere but wouldn’t you want to make this piece more powerful too? :3
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The girls killed Brooklyn to be their friend.
Thx for reading and the advice.