*This story is underneath my folder titled “Circe the ringmaster!”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1290. Enjoy!*
Emberlynn pressed her hands against the glass, watching the girl closely.
When she and Juniper ran away, neither expected to end up inside of Dakota’s trailer mirror. Furthermore, they didn’t expect Dakota’s trailer mirror to be in the girl’s bathroom at a school.
“Who is she? What’s her name?” Juniper asked Dakota, ever so curious.
“Brooklyn. Her name is Brooklyn.” Dakota said from behind them.
Neither had expected Dakota to follow them out of the train, but he did. He was there to keep them company.
He was also the only one who could get out of the mirror, given that it used to belong to him. He watched over everyone in the school and brought out new information every day.
“Why do you ask? Do you want to be her friend?” Dakota asked.
“Yes.” Juniper replied, never taking her eyes off Brooklyn.
Emberlynn only wanted to watch the girl. She didn’t want to do anything bad, or else she would be like Circe.
“I’ll show you how it’s done.” Dakota said.
Though neither girl turned around, both sensed that Dakota was smiling just from the mischievous hint of joy in his voice.
Only Juniper felt excited about it. Emberlynn, on the other hand…
Emberlynn was anticipating for yet another horror to occur.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Last time: Against better judgement, our two MCs left for the outside despite the train coming soon…
Now, where will the snippets take us this time?
*reads first few sentences*
Oh a different moment entirely, my bad!
I am… a little confused on how we got here tbh. This is the next story in the list right?
But I guess this is after they already died? And are now trapped inside Dakota’s mirror which someone ended up setting up in a bathroom? Did I get that right?
Now I just want to know how Dakota knows abt this girl when she’s also trapped in the mirror XD
Okay now the train is mentioned so… this is right after… but how did… the mirror… huh…
Also innnnteresting that mr Dakota can watch over the school through his mirror and yet the only place we see it mentioned is in the girl’s bathroom! (Red flag!!)
Okay this snippet left me very confused @.@
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
yes, you got it right. This was in a tale of mine called %u201C31 Hellish Halloween tales%u201D, so that%u2019s where it%u2019s from but yeah.
What I like here first and foremost is that it throws me into something uncanny without wasting time overexplaining itself. “When she and Juniper ran away, neither expected to end up inside of Dakota’s trailer mirror” is exactly the sort of sentence that makes me keep reading, because it is so casually bizarre. It treats the weird as already real, already lived-in, which is usually the right instinct for this kind of story. You are not standing there waving your arms and saying, look how strange this is. You are just letting the strangeness exist, and that gives the excerpt a nice confidence. The whole trailer-mirror-in-a-school-bathroom thing is interesting immediately, and I like that you do not overexplain it right away. Juniper, Emberlynn, and Dakota also already feel distinct in a basic but effective way: Juniper is curious, Dakota has that slightly mischievous energy, and Emberlynn is the one bracing for something to go wrong. That last part is especially important, because her dread is what gives the scene an actual pulse.
My main criticism is just that some of the prose feels a little flat or overly explanatory compared to how strange and potentially atmospheric the premise is. A few sentences read more like they are relaying information than deepening the mood. So the excerpt has a good eerie setup, but the writing itself could lean a little harder into texture, tension, and point of view—especially Emberlynn’s, since that is where the scene feels strongest. Also, while maybe I am just dumb and/or it is because I did not look in your portfolio, I genuinely cannot tell whether this is meant to be a chapter from a larger book or just a standalone excerpt/chapter section you specifically wanted critiqued. That is not necessarily a flaw, but it did affect how I read it, because right now it feels more like a slice of an ongoing story than something trying to stand fully on its own.
Overall, though, I think the bones are good. The premise is interesting, the character contrast is there, and the final note of Emberlynn anticipating “yet another horror” is the right instinct. I would just tighten the prose a bit and trust the atmosphere more.