*This story is underneath my folder titled “Circe the ringmaster!”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
BLAINE
Blaine and her parents always hunted for ghosts, they always tried to search for the paranormal. Growing up, her little brother, Dakota, didn’t like to come, but they took him anyway just so he could have fun.
As an adult, Dakota still didn’t want to join. He was frightened of the idea that spectral beings existed.
Honestly though. There was nothing to be afraid of. They were once alive, they were merely trying to contact humans.
At the moment, Blaine and her parents were at Circe’s circus, a place that closed down in the forties. The skeleton of the circus still stood up even after all that happened.
Which was just what they were trying to find out. What had happened?
“Welcome, one and all! None of you are special, which is quite the pity. But that means I get to eat early!” A woman’s voice chirped in the distance.
Blaine froze. So did her Mom and Dad. Sure, they were expecting ghosts, but why did the woman talk about eating them?
The hinges on the Ferris Wheel began to rattle, and then, something swift and quick sped throughout the circus grounds.
Blaine was pushed to the dirt, and right before her was a row of waiting teeth.
“I am Circe, the ringleader of the carnival! Your bones will keep my teeth nice and white.” The mouth-woman sneered.
She had eyes and a nose, but it seemed that her tooth-filled mouth took up most of her face. Ghosts were spectral, ethereal, but she…she wasn’t a ghost. She wasn’t quite alive, either. Blaine didn’t think that the was a real human, alive or dead.
Only one frightful thought screeched in her mind:
The woman was a demon.
………………………………………………………
BLAINE AND DAKOTA’S PARENTS
Axelle and Darius interlaced hands together as they were forced to lay on the ground from some kind of dark magic. It hurt them, but at least they had one another.
They met in college, sharing a keen interest in the supernatural, and built their love from there. They wanted their children, Blaine and Dakota, to appreciate the dead that haunted the world.
But never did they ever imagine that a demon-woman who called herself “Circe” would suck on their bones, draining their life away.
Blaine…poor Blaine…she was already dead…and they couldn’t even run…couldn’t even save her…Circe kept them both completely still, like statues.
And then she pounced.
………………………………………………………
CIRCE KILLING THEM ALL
How pitifully easy it was to fill herself of their bones! To give herself complete vitality! Though the humans were nothing special, Circe sensed that they had a smidge of adrenaline.
Why else would they be willing to go into her territory? What did they want, an adventure? What did they think it would be, a picnic? She needed to eat, and it was their fault for stumbling in her trap.
As Circe drank the last of the older adult’s bones, what she assumed to be the younger woman’s parents from how they sobbed terribly, she couldn’t help but feel herself bloom with ecstasy.
Food! Given to her so quickly and readily, the taste of blood decadent with the sprinkles of anxiety!
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
hey there! spunky here for a review!
Grows
first, some grammatical critiques
the comma does not work in this context. it should be "Honestly though"
this line reads a bit stiffly. i can understand the information that you are conveying, that these two are being held to the ground by dark magic, but how its worded is a bit awkward. using the words "lay on the ground" make it seem like they did so of their own free will instead of being held there forcefully. i may even be interpreting it incorrectly, so i would reword this the best you can.
this line also reads a little weird, i would rephrase the middle to say something like "and bonded over an interest in the supernatural, then built their love from their" or something like that.
also, early in the story you raised the question of what had happened to the circus for it to become abandoned. i wish that question had been answered. i can surmise that Circe had been the reason that the circus had become abandoned, but she also could have made the circus her home AFTER it had been abandoned. there is so much that could be expanded on here, and im very interested in how that WOULD be expanded.
Glows
onto the good stuff-
i am in LOVE with this line. it conveys the spookiness of the circus, how its completely abandoned and makes me intrigued as to WHAT exactly happened?
oh this is terrifying. the whole bones thing raises so many questions. how does she suck the bones? do the bones like, rip out of the humans skin or does she liquefy the bones or what?? more description would make this even more horrifying in my opinion.
this story definitely is intriguing, and i would love to read an extended version that explores this even further.
Overall
this is a neat little story! i very much enjoyed reading it, and i hope to read more of your stories.
I have more stories connecting to this under my folder %u201CCirce the ringmaster!%u201D. The circus did become abandoned over time before she went there, but I guess I should have made that more clear.
Also, Circe rips the bones out of people%u2019s bodies with magic and literally bites into it straight up. Like she crunches on them.
Glad you enjoyed!
oh my goodness thats literally terrifying XD
Ikr it%u2019s freaky fr
Heya creeperfeverdreams!
)
(whether i should call you creeper or fever or dreams or something else entirely let me know
I haven't been on this site in ages, but I've been itching to review something, and I came across this short story! So I'll be your reviewer for today. I try to focus on what I liked/disliked in terms of plot and characters, so I hope that's what you're looking for. Anyways, let's get started!
So after a quick read, it looks like this is almost a thriller, borderline horror fic, which is something I don't usually read, so I apologize in advance if I misinterpret something important.
Something I liked a lot was this mysterious ghost/woman/specter who's out to eat humans, apparently. This is basically the hook of your story, and I think is really important to keep your reader interested. Typically when I write, I like to start off with action, then slowly give the reader information and context as the action continues. So how does this apply to your mysterious villain and your story?
Take your introduction for example. I'm very glad that you included that our main characters (Blaine, Dakota, and their parents) hunt for ghosts, as it is extremely important to the story that they do. Otherwise, this story would be about a random family getting caught by a man-eating monster. Apart from the fact that they do get eaten in the end (which I was NOT expecting by the way) this is a really important piece of information.
But what I noticed was that this information was not necessarily something the reader was looking for. At this point (at the first line of your novel), the reader doesn't have any emotional stakes in your story and doesn't know the context, so learning about the family's occupation could just leave a "meh" impact on some readers.
So here's my suggestion. I think it would be much more effective to start with this line:
After that, the reader is confused. Who is the woman? Why is she trying to eat people? Who is she going to eat? Now that the reader is asking questions, you can answer them, and that information that was once unnecessary becomes necessary.
Moving on to your middle section. I'm actually a little confused here. The additional information about the parent's origins is nice, but as a reader, I'm a little unsure as to why it is needed. A little more focus on the parents in the rest of the story, or maybe even removing this aside entirely would be helpful, because honestly, it distracts from the main plot, which is the family getting brutally consumed by the monster.
Which is my next point. HOLY CRAP I did not expect that ending. I thought they were going to defeat the mysterious man-eating woman thing (Circe)! It's a really good twist, but I am not the biggest fan of gore, so those descriptions were a little much for me, but you definitely got your point across. But reaching the end of the story, the reader does get a lot of questions answered. Basically, the story was meant to set up for Circe's big entrance, and now we can expect Circe to be a recurring character, maybe a villain or anti-hero, or just some chaotic force.
I really hope you liked this review and maybe learned a thing or two! But honestly, take it with a grain of salt. Writing is all about interpretation and your own experiences anyway, so just write how you love and maybe learn from others while you're at it. Your story is looking good!
-yoshi
Thanks for reading. This does actually connect to some other stories of mine in my folder %u201CCirce the ringmaster!%u201D, the other stories having more lore.