*This story is underneath my folder titled “Circe the ringmaster!”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1125. Enjoy!*
Juniper kept getting up on her seat, staring out the window at the rolling garden. From the understanding of the sisters, Emberlynn and Juniper were dead, and Clover was driving them away in the afterlife train.
Emberlynn tried to steer the body to lead Juniper back to the seat, but again, she kept looking out the window.
“Do you think we could go outside? Just a little bit?” Juniper asked, eyes full of hope.
“We might lose the train.” Emberlynn said disapprovingly. They had both finally found peace, and she didn’t want their chance to be messed up.
“Please? It will only be one second, I promise!” Juniper begged.
On seeing her near to tears, Emberlynn felt her heart begin to break. It was the kind of guilt she felt whenever she couldn’t make Juniper happy. It was the feeling she felt when she wasn’t doing enough, wasn’t trying enough.
“Alright. But only for a few seconds.” Emberlynn said.
Juniper’s eyes lit up and with that, she ran out the door, Emberlynn helplessly in tow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
hi creeper!
I'm starting to get a better sense of who these characters are! I like how you've written Juniper in this, particularly how she wants to go outside yet is unable to fully grasp the consequences of doing so. Emberlynn, by contrast, immediately reads as the protective one, and even in death, she carries the burden of having to be the one taking care of Juniper. She is dead, supposedly safe, and STILL measuring herself by whether she can make Juniper happy. That's a really interesting (and realistic) way to write those characters and their relationship with each other.
I do think you could focus a little more on atmosphere though. What does Juniper see that makes her so desperate to leave? Flowers? A light? People? A path? Something from their past life? Since the entire conflict depends on the outside being tempting enough to leave the train, the garden should feel more magnetic.
^ This creates a nice contrast though: one is longing for wonder while the other is terrified of losing the little peace they’ve been given. Can you lean into that more? Like with "Emberlynn said disapprovingly" - it's a little blunt since her fear is more interesting than disapproval. I’d lean into that since she is not annoyed with Juniper, she is terrified that Juniper’s need for escape / something new will cost them their salvation. Possibly you could let the scene imply those things instead of directly saying them, especially if you want to create suspense.
Anyways, this was a great scene!
best,
cocteau
Thx for the review and ur advice! Glad you enjoyed. <3
Ah well, another snippet work. Let’s see how far Emberlynn and Juniper can get before Circe finds them again.
I think the emotions come across very well in this piece. The core is there and it works. I just feel like, as per usual, there is not really enough of it to justify it’s existence as a short story. It doesn’t really feel complete, more like a scene from a longer story—and for that, there isn’t enough detail. It really reads like the very first draft of a scene. Including the continued issues with dialogue formatting.
Join the fight! Write more reviews!