This song/poem is under my folder titled “Circe the ringmaster!”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=45. Enjoy!*
In the bowels of Hell
Emberlynn and Juniper’s Mom and Dad burn
For they sent away their conjoined little girls
They were repulsed by their own children
Wanted them to rot away
For they were taught by their own Mommies and Daddies to shun those who looked a “peculiar way”
Love is what stitches through despite appearance
Not one ounce of love was in their veins
For they judged poorly and they lived in hate
Death is the final lesson
For they and their parents burn in the bowels of Hell
And their conjoined daughters are free in Heaven
Just as they all deserve
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hey hey! ^_^
WOAHHH
thoughts
[1] the poem has a very clear emotional stance, which we appreciate! there is no ambiguity about who the narrator condemns and who the narrator wants protected. the poem seems to argue that prejudice gets passed down unless someone refuses it.
[2] we liked the line Love is what stitches through despite appearance a lot. “stitches” is especially interesting here because it connects to the conjoined daughters without turning them into a spectacle. we found it suggests love as something that joins, heals, and holds people together. that's a nice metaphor when read with the sense of dread throughout!
suggestions
[1] we wanted a little more attention on Emberlynn and Juniper themselves. they are named at the beginning, which makes them feel important, but most of the poem focuses on the parents’ punishment. giving the girls one vivid image in heaven could make their freedom feel more alive!
[2] the ending has a strong sense of justice, but Just as they all deserve flattens the complexity. we already understand the punishment/reward structure, so ending on And their conjoined daughters are free in Heaven might actually be more powerful. it leaves the reader with freedom instead of explanation -- we felt that the ending, as it stands, holds our hand too much!
overall, this is fierce and emotionally direct!! the idea of love as something that “stitches through” is really memorable. we enjoyed reading this!!!
~ adore
glad you liked it and thx for the advice! :}
Love the profile pic btw!
OMG FIRST OF ALL: I LOVE THE GACHA CLUB CHARACTER DESIGN!!!!! ugh its so cute im like actually so impressed! and the lyrics are so goated, because ive been thinking of this recently actually... with the pride month and all of it, i kind of relate it to that i think?
"to shun those who looked a "peculiar way"." I like this in a personal level it's really nice and omg im so interested in this universe of characters!
the lyrics are pretty good and so are the character designs i hope you make more!
Yayy I%u2019m glad you enjoyed it!