Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This song is under my folder titled “The cake curse”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Josiah Campbell was a weary man
Who lost his children to a Halloween party accident
His wife, Emilia, didn’t quite understand
He took her to be with the children
And set about with a poison cake
Intent on turning children into the monsters he saw them as
He thought it’d make his kids happy
To see him do such a dreadful thing
But it never brought them back
Their presence was gone in a blink
It took a clown kid and a vampire child to show him the error of his ways
It took the clown to stab him with a kitchen knife
Only then did Josiah realize all the pain he caused
After he died the children regained their human forms
He found his family, his heart could rest
All those Hallow Eves, wasted with misery and anger
If only he spread Treats and not Tricks
Then he’d live well on to old age
It’s quite a pity
How Josiah only found joy in the afterlife
Well!
That’s the cost of not being nice!
Of living days in complete vice!
At least he’s with his family
Day and night
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140,262 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Hi there, vampricone! Dropping by to give you a review. I will be using the YWS'mores method to help structure my review.
The Top Graham Cracker: I don't usually review lyrics so I apologize in advance if everything I say is entirely useless. My review will be more based on my initial response to this poem and what I think about it. It probably won't include much constructive criticism at all. >_> but anyways, here we go!
The Slightly Burnt Marshmallow: I personally am not a fan of poems with a rhyme scheme, especially if they're forced. I'm a big advocate for free verse poetry, which this seemed to be, for the most part.
For example, I wasn't a fan of these two lines because the rhythm here feels very forced and also quite random in a poem with very little rhyming. I suggest reworking those two lines a bit, if you want. I feel that they're a little awkward and interrupt the flow of the poem.
The Melty Chocolate Bar I quite enjoyed this poem! I like the narration and the way the reader sees how Josiah came to meet a ghastly fate, and how his bad choices in life led to his death, and how he regretted the choices he made in the end. It was nice to see how you displayed remorse in a story. It's just a shame he couldn't realize this before he murdered people, eh?
My favorite lines were these:
The Bottom Graham Cracker: Overall, I really enjoyed this, and it was nice to see you give another form of literature a go! I haven't read a lyrical poem in quite a while, so it was nice to step a little out of my comfort zone. I hope you enjoyed writing these lyrics and perhaps we'll see more poetry from you soon!
I hope this review was a bit helpful.
~Iggy
So glad you enjoyed this! Here are some of my works that connect to this:
Celina’s clown curse from cake
Alejandro’s aversion to all things Halloween
In these woods, we hide
To break the curse
The death of a sweetheart
Eerie from the graves
There’s a curious little creature
The Hallows’ Eve kids
Unhappy Emilia
Silence and Malik’s curse
And the sixteenth tale in this story:
31 horrific Halloween Tales
Hi hello I'm back for some more!
I'm interested to know what kind of melody you imagine this to fit with. For me the story is quite clear, and it kind of reads like a tale that I could imagine a bard in a tavern singing. I'm not that well versed in lyric reviewing (pun intended) but I really struggled to read it in any kind of rhythm. I think because the syllable counts were so vastly different from one line to the next.
Was there any tune you based this on? Then I can try rereading it to fit, and see if it flows any better for me.
Icy
When I write songs, I just want to get the words out and try to make it sound as good as possible. I didn%u2019t imagine any tune for them to go with because that%u2019s a bit harder for me to do, but hopefully I will be able to figure it out over time.
Thank you for reading.
When I write songs, I just want to get the words out and try to make it sound as good as possible. I didn%u2019t imagine any tune for them to go with because that%u2019s a bit harder for me to do, but hopefully I will be able to figure it out over time.
Thank you for reading.
When I write songs, I just want to get the words out and try to make it sound as good as possible. I didn%u2019t imagine any tune for them to go with because that%u2019s a bit harder for me to do, but hopefully I will be able to figure it out over time.
Thank you for reading.