Tears in their eyes
Quiet sobs are heard
As watery eyes look towards
A wooden box.
The box holds a body
That used to be
The soul no longer inside
But in heaven
Crys for the loved one
Reach beyond the preist's mass
He prays for the reposal of her soul
And the holy communion for us all.
The funeral was on
The loved one's birthday
Didnt yet reach 83 years
But did God's will
In the years she was here.
The mass is ending
The preist says
The people repeat
Lord may she rest in peace.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Well thank you!!! ha.
Well thank you!!! ha.
Loved the title.
The work seemed restrained almost, like each line was searching for the right way to phrase it, then coming out with some monotone delivery that lessens it's blow, like when delivering bad news to someone.
Not saying this in itself was not effective in delivery.
I think the restraint in it was in fact what made it very interesting and lasting.
A few lines towards the beginning stumbled just a tad, but overall, a very good piece.
Star.
Loved the title.
The work seemed restrained almost, like each line was searching for the right way to phrase it, then coming out with some monotone delivery that lessens it's blow, like when delivering bad news to someone.
Not saying this in itself was not effective in delivery.
I think the restraint in it was in fact what made it very interesting and lasting.
A few lines towards the beginning stumbled just a tad, but overall, a very good piece.
Star.
Hey thanks June, and don't worry you weren't harsh. I needed critisim. Ha. I see your point too. Thanks again! I will try harder next time.
Hello, BG! Juniper here to review this.
Hope I'm not too harsh on you...
I can't exactly say that this is a fantastic start to a poem, but it's not totally bad. First, you're talking about "them", when you mention their eyes, and immediately at the next line, you take us away from "them" and talk about these sobs and so forth.
What I'm saying is, it's unclear. It's not exactly heavy on meaning to us, because we cannot relate well to these characters without having a more substantial story surrounding this, dearie.
So! I don't really enjoy the close repetition of /box/. It feels out of place, feels like you're trying to reinforce a point that hasn't exactly been made. Nevertheless, I would reword the last three lines here to make them sound simpler. Remove the line breaks and read this as a sentence: How does this sound to you?
Replace it with a more fluid description, dear.
>In the first line, crys should be cries.
> In the second, preist's should be priest's.
> In the third, reposal should be repose.
- - -
I like the sober tone you carried here, BG. Nice work on that!
There were some things I didn't like, such as the things I pointed out. However, I do really like how you didn't stray from your focus. Your focus was the funeral and you kept us there to the very end-- great job with that! More often than not, in poetry, I find people straying too far from their topic to do any good for the poem.
Keep it up! Great work!
June