Like Eddie said, I like the sentiment. Any writer can relate to the beginning of this piece in one way or another.
Now, personally I don't want to say there's a problem with the length necessarily. The problem is that you introduce an emotion that we can't understand. You can leave this the same length if you'd like to, but what you would need to do is cut out the part about her tears because how can we care about something we know nothing about? I think the emotion you should represent here is one connected to the writing itself. How does the writing make her feel? Because that we can connect to in the short amount of space you have for this poem.
But, if the point of this poem was more about her tears, and the reason behind them, then a little background is essential, just a way for us to connect with the girl. Short poems are often more easily forgettable than others; don't make it easier on us.
Points: 900
Reviews: 268
Donate