All I see is broken
Over and over.
I can hear their heart break
With every word made.
Its hard not to cry
When you can see their lives,
In their writing.
They don't want pity,
So they won't get it.
But what of compassion?
Will they receive it?
I can't help but think:
Papa! Papa why let them stay in this place of pain?
Papa show them the way to your mercy and grace.
I want to reach
Through the screen
To comfort them.
To be there for them.
To be that friend.
But reality crashes hard,
And I can't be everything.
But I know the bruises and scars of pain...
A broken heart at the least to say.
But there's something better
Than the sorrow and pain.
There's Jesus and His never ending grace.
All I see is broken
Over and over.
But there is hope for life...
Waiting for you.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Wow, I really like this. It makes me smile to think imagine someone reading a sad poem and wanting reach out and try to comfort the writer...
I agree with KatTrain in that you could use different word to make the poem more interesting, go to rhymezone.com and you can look up rhymes, synonyms, and antonyms if you need them... I use that site when I write and want to use different words then what is usually used...
I think that, see that you are putting religion in this poem, that for Papa, you should put Father, like you are praying for the one's to be delivered from sorrow...
I think you also need to take out the comma at the end of the 6th line, and maybe some other punctuation should be fixed...
Hope I helped,
~Rain~
Hey there, babygirl12,
I'm not quite sure what to say here. To begin, I think that because the theme is a lot overused, I didn't find it very interesting. I think for this to hold my interest, you need to present it in a manner that's not commonly used, but as Kattrain said, if you use synonyms instead of the words that generally define pain and crying and all of that, you'll have a better effect.
The problem with poems like these is that they should evoke sympathy from the audience, but these beg for it, sometimes while undeserving. Because of this, it becomes really eay to generalize same-theme poems as not-so-good.
Pay attention to your wording, as well. Here's it's rather choppy, and doesn't flow well, so I cannot get an adequate grasp of what you're conveying here. It's a little difficult to appreciate based on theme and wording, and I think you should work on tweaking that, dearie.
Best of luck,
June
Different words instead of :pain, scream, cry, broken, etc
Will make this piece a lot more interesting, i lost interest in the first two lines.
thank you, I wasn't really sure about this poem at first honestly. But thank you for the encouragement...
This was good. I found that it has a lot of emotion and depth within it. Great job there. This poem creates a picture for me. I can see the meaning of your work quite clearly. This was very well written. My favorite line was:"I can hear there heartbreak with every word made."
Great job!