Young Writers Society

i have no clue what a triptych is, but i do loveee poetry.

youre really getting into the nitty-gritty of love here, showing that its not all sunshine & rainbows. love can be intense & painful, but its oddly enchanting. its a relatable take on the ups & downs of love. your words paint a vivid picture, but some of the imagery left me scratching my head. think about injecting some fresh & unique language to capture these experiences in a new light.

your poems got a nice structure with those repeating lines about different kinds of love. it helps everything come together & keeps the rhythm flowing smoothly. there are a couple of spots where a bit of grammar tweaking could make things run smoother, but theyre minor issues. keep an eye on punctuation to make sure its working in harmony. with some polishing, this will shine bright.

envy

Hii!

The title of this poem immediately grabbed me in the green room. Triptychs are a really fun form of visual art, so I was curious to see how that might relate to your poem.

Now then:

While this poem certainly has stronger rhythm than some early-draft poetry I've read, I do think that when you get to the length and overall poem structure that you've put here, that you want to be really intentional about your meter, syllable counts, and rhythm. I read this whole piece aloud a few times and did a few syllable counts, and I think you could do with a little more consistency over all, so that in moments where it counts, you can create change through the very meter itself.

Another thing to consider might be the triptych structure itself and how you implement it. A typical triptych has two side panels and a center panel, which is often larger. This poem has three parts and a summary, but it is the first part which is the longest and most complete. Did you run out of steam on the other parts?

Something that was imparted to me in architecture school that I think applies here is the idea that when you have repetition, you need a certain level of consistency between the repeated elements in order for the effect to really come out. I think this applies to the length of the sections of this poem especially; it's hard to really see the parts when part one is four stanzas, and part three is one stanza immediately followed by the conclusion. (I also think you need "kind of love" in that third first line.)

I think the strongest element of this poem is the repetition of sounds outside the rhyme scheme. The "stuttering stammer and muted mind" line really stands out this way, and I love the way you occasionally have a word in the second line of a stanza that has some assonance or consonance with the end of the first line, like in stanzas one and four.

Overall, great work! I'd love to see you continue refining this.

Hope this helps,
-Vento