Hi, it's me again.
OKAY. First of all. That phrase after verse one about science and gravity and the Big Bang is amazing. No, it's AMAZING. I don't just like the way you worded it, but the facts you have in there. I personally found that your strongest statement in here. And yes, some may roll their eyes when they read it, but dude, that is straight up powerful. (Do ya mind if I steal it?)
But moving on.
The Actual Review
I think you appropriately put this under the "Art" description, since it is a little... artsy? I like everything you said on in your paragraphs, they made sense, they flowed along quite nicely but I will say, I kind of lost you on the last paragraph. I felt like you were stretching things a bit far. I was sitting here nodding my head, considering the questions (Could our views remain unchanged? etc.) when you suddenly hit me with the world won't change until Jesus returns. You then proceed to preach. And end with your title: I know I am one of beings, Stared at. That was quick, and to be honest, I found it all rather rushed. Aargh, I'm going to sound like I did in the other review when I asked if you could go into more detail about this whole Jesus thing. Sorry! But once more, you kind of just threw the "Jesus is the answer to all your problems!" slogan at us without any why's or how's. Okay, you get my point.
Lemme focus on the "beings, Stared at." I don't get it. Maybe I missed something when I was reading, but exactly who is staring at us human beings? God, yes. But it sounds kind of creepy in this context. Like, he's just staring at us because what else is there to do. That statement didn't quite fit where you going with the last paragraph, either. You're talking about Jesus is the only hope, and give your life to Him, and few ever commit to Him without thinking, and now suddenly you're one of many beings, Stared at. I don't see it. What are you trying to say here?
Many of us must lust to obtain his place or something; to create a heaven on earth ourselves using our own Acumen of understanding to observe and exploit, to reach a position of god-like authority.
Well, amen! But now get ready for some super biased opinion. I don't like the "or something". Every. Single. Time. I read it in a sentence with this usage I cringe. It just sounds so weak to me. Surely there's another word or phrase that relates to obtaining His place. You can't just leave it at "or something". What is this other "or something"? We lust to obtain His place or be our own gods or something related to that. I'm asking you from the very depths of my soul to replace this with a better idea.
For the most part, I like your paragraphs/statements, choppy though they could be. But your lyrics really put me in a puzzle. Actually, only one verse in particular.
First time I cognisized it...
For some reason,
I grappled it closer to meee
It wasn’t something I was needing,
it was something i was feeling
Like liquid Napalm it was emanating like a near-forgotten song,
or olfactory smell
To punch ya breath-taken
So, I'm confused. What's the "it"? You never do clarify what "it" is, and it seems rather important to know, considering you start off with "it" and show how important "it" was.
as a childhood scent from the stuffy garage
excuse me for pointing this out, but I liked this line a lot. Don't ask me why. It just made perfect sense.
Overall
When I read first this, I was so baffled. I had no idea what you were talking, and it seemed like a random assortment of thoughts/opinions of Wrisky. But re-reading this multiple times for this review, I get it. I have to say, I really like this. You make quite a few good points, and the verses fill everything out nicely. It's not a random assortment of thoughts, but actually a really brilliant work. The whole flow of this, I thought, was choppy in some places, and while I admire your stylistic choice, at some points, it made it difficult to read.
But, thanks a bunch for sharing this! I may or may not stalk your profile to read more of your works, let's not talk about it, anyhow; and, I do hope you found this review helpful. If you're suspicious or angry about anything I said, er... never mind.
Have a great day, and keep up your writing, Wrisky!
I'll catch ya later.
Points: 16802
Reviews: 276
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