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Where the Black Sheep Wrest - (Ch. 13): Reign Check

by Wriskypump


It had been confided to me. His keepsake. And not only had I damaged the jewelry as it was displaced from its roost about my neck, it seemed the symbolic trinket would also be lost forever.

Since it had been a part of me on the flight, it was headed in the same direction. I figured that gave me a decent chance at repossessing it. But because of the force with which it was dislodged, the time before it would eclipse my reach was withering.

There was an awful screech as if two colliding vehicles had crushed a giant glass balloon betwixt them. It registered in my mind, but my worries about matters of loyalty trumped that of possible impending danger.

I had one gloved hand free. One shot.

It sparkled. I swiped. It wriggled. I knocked it. It tumbled. I swore. It hummed. Something exploded. Blue flash. My eyes bounced. I was redirected.

I, the arrow, had been splitting the air right beside the wall. My nose had strayed from the target, concerned with Vinny’s necklace, so I had no idea how close I was to the crescent when the jolt came. In a flash of crystal blue, the air pressure let up, and my lungs swelled to normal size with a certain spice while my ears went a-throbbing—queerly, I hadn’t noticed the air pressure building in the first place—and left my awareness hanging by a thread. As I tried to cope with that pain, my back smacked into the wall—an exponentially greater pain. The metal did not give as it met the base of my skull. Actually, it felt like it went out of its way to try and touch my brain.

Drowsily, I slid across the wall. The room was pitch black again, all except for the Tap’s light, I found, as my body rolled over to face down once again. Something screeched and roared amidst the darkness like a bloat of hippos clashing over river territory. I was now around twenty feet from entering the Tap. And on the ground next to it, right where the portal’s bubble of light gave way to darkness, a figure stood in the shadows. It looked like Malibu. How nice, I thought woozily, he did think to wait to jump in with me.

Until a tongue rolled into the light. A tongue that had to be over a foot long. Then a hand with knobby fingers emerged into the pale light. The ebony claws attached to it slashed through the Tap’s luminescence, and there, space curdled black, leaving streaks of dark pollution that hung solid in the air. It was as if the fingers' toucherased the light. The hand was open, awaiting. I squinted to pinpoint whatever it was that the looming entity could be expecting.

I saw a little oval with strings swaying on either side. It glinted, seeming to hover in the air—just inches above the open hand.

The elongated fingers started to swing shut around Vinny’s locket. I got the feeling that when slammed shut it would be permanent, wrested away in an undying clutch. I fell with horror, watching the entity’s tongue rupture into four as the first parts of the jewelry brushed against the flesh of its palm, watching it snatch up the symbol I was supposed to keep from harm, while I helplessly flew toward the mouth of a portal that now strongly resembled a grin, having suddenly slipped on its side.

And right as all hope died within me, right as the hand was condensing into a clench and I thought I saw red lining the back of the horrid fist, the real Gutterson appeared out of the dark yawn of space, running at full boar.

He had been waiting for the perfect moment. He had probably been watching my fall, and mentally palming his face thinking how clumsy I was. Had he known how I was pretending to be an arrow he’d probably claw at his frosty blue eyes, or ask if I could treat nothing with the proper attitude.

And Malibu had no idea either just how dynamite his timing was. I couldn’t believe he was hot-footing it. Because he should’ve boinked the sinister figure square on the rear with the swinging bag at his side. But it went straight through, zero effect. No normal effect that is.

Since Gutterson didn’t appear to see the being that had been so wholly invested upon securing the necklace, neither saw the other coming, and the thief had its groove thrown completely out of style as Gut unintentionally blasted its behind. Its tongues snapped back into its hidden face and the hand went into a spasm. The bag cut through its presence, and in doing so caused the mysterious visitor to mist out as if it were only an apparition.

Next thing I knew, my eyes were drawn away by a shifting of light in my peripheral vision. The crescent-shaped portal had been resurrected to its original vertical position. There was no time to adhere to its will in the air. Beneath me, Gut vanished as we were flung into the portal together.

We had overcome the separation being thrust through the Spinal Tap’s center, caused by the heart of the magnetic field. We were reunited. Nothing stood between us and going home, except perhaps, our physical bodies that still had a sojourn to get there.

The journey back was every bit as tantalizing as the first, quite pinchy this time actually, but nothing that couldn’t be tolerated. I was suddenly staring at my own backside. I was back among the somewhere-between-a-liquid-and-a-solid-state sandy substance, bent like a pretzel, soaring through a pleasant breeze with my butt shoved right up in my grill. If that feature was permanent it would not be entertaining for very long. Hopefully, the fall had supplied enough momentum so I wouldn’t get stuck in here.

On second thought, being stuck in here wouldn't be bad. Far from it. Again, I was robbed of all fear, doubt, and bias. For once it felt awesome to be robbed, in fact, I’d want nothing less!

Every now and then, you can get relaxed, distracted, or maybe complacent enough, to be without doubts and fears. But bias, bias is inescapable. Except during the ride in this portal. The least proud and vain people still want to feel equal, if not a little better in some aspect in regard to others, or possess something that could be thought of as unique.

Yet here, I was content merely to be. It would be stupid to be covetous, and downright delirious to be envious with libraries of knowledge being dumped into my ear with each gentle gust of wind. I almost wanted to be sad that I could not stay long enough to listen to all the wind had to reveal, but the wind’s words tickled me so much in the moment, that the smile could not be ripped from my face, and I forgot any sadness as soon as it tried to creep into my head. The wind tossed some of the sand into my face playfully, and in accordance to the gesture, I looked below.

Before, nothing was around save the sand and the metallic-looking stuff. This time I could see a landscape beneath me. But don’t get me wrong, there was no sky above; there was not even blackness above; there was non-existence, and if I had even thought to stop and inspect it, there would be nothing to imagine whatsoever. It would be like trying to catch yourself giving conception to a thought.

Only from me down, was.

Below was a region packed with obsidian mountains. Correction: most were volcanoes. All was turbulence. Miniscule forms were traversing along places where the magma had crusted over. They were using them as bridges. Temporary bridges. Every so often a fresh river of magma would wash away the footholds. If the forms were on them, they were in the way, collateral damage. Or maybe the bridges were the collateral damage.

It appeared the name of the game was to dodge each new wave. It didn’t look like any fun. Especially since there was more than just broiling rivers to avoid. The forms that got swept away thrashed around in fury, tearing at the heels of passersby on any given bridge. These sore losers were resolved to take the so-far-succeeding down with them, even sabotaging the very groups they had once flocked with for strength and safety. Once their game was over, they had no allegiance except to themself (yeah, not even themselves).

The wind sounded deflated, maybe shaking its head, when it came back saying, “‘Tis the mainline. But look again. The struggle is one of thoughts.”

Some of the forms were going up the mountainside. That way they didn’t have to deal with the sabotagers, and could focus on the thing they had been dodging in the first place. These had realized the volcanoes were the enemy, and quit competing amongst themselves. Some fell, or were fried by magma. Some fell in saving another climber’s life. Some put themselves in the path of the magma to help another out of its path, giving their life for a fellow. Unlike the forms at the bottom who suffered on after being overtaken by the lava, those that fell departed as smoke. After they would climb a ways, they would pause and call down below, encouraging others to follow the same route.

“What are they saying?” I asked.

“Lend me your ear,” spoke the wind.

“I’m listening.”

“Then you are already listening,” rustled the wind. And as the words blew around my ear, it was pulled off and swirled up into the current.

“Come along,” spoke the climbers. “The right move is to the core. Down there it is unstable, temporary, fleeting. It just takes one slip up and all your right moves will have been for nothing. Besides, you aren’t coming up with a solution to stop the suffering. Surviving to survive has no aim. I beg you: don’t torture yourselves by running in circles any longer.” The forms at the mountains' base literally kept passing from one steamy slope to the next, transients in search of an oasis; I guess from down there, they couldn’t see the curvature of the horizon, and all I could see along its length was volcano after geyser of magma puckering up like canker sores.

“Quit going around; expand your dimensions; face Up; it’s the only way out. Up here you can’t sink in the ocean of faces. The climate is cool, clear save the occasional cloud, not so heated and rushed. Up here our steps are deliberate. Oh dear friends, don’t let the size or the roaring of the mounts intimidate you; don’t you see that glow so golden at the top? Even a fall from the heights will serve you better than remaining in perpetual consternation at the feet, unable to see around these giants. Though the roar intensifies the further the ascension, the less the distance grows to the top, towards, but above the heat."

But traversing the shifting bridges of cooled magma was what they had grown accustomed to. The majority remained clinging to the strategy that they could identify with. A strategy that only bred calamity, seeing it would eventually and surely end in death. Rock climbing was a tricky, delicate, and long undertaking which put the low-landers out of their comfort zones; they were expecting a bridge to come along that would lead to a place of rest. Rock climbing was seen by the mass as dangerous: "The ground is unstable, could give way at one wrong step, of which there are a countless number, it is irrational, to try requires false hope, which stems from false promises." Skeptics said such things.

Despite this, some of the forms broke off out of the clusters, even as critics railed them for it, to try their hand on the slopes. Apparently, the goal was to face the volcanoes head on. And those that made it to the rim around the bubbling pits dove in without hesitation.

“What? Those frauds! The climbers are full of false promises!” I vilified in disbelief. “They’re leading the followers to genocide!”

The breeze came back with my ear, and reattached it. “It was I who guided them; I am no fraud. Some mistook me for the wind. Other ears were filled with more than wind. Those that took me at my word left it all behind in honor of my judgment, and did not accredit the understanding of a new direction as their own wisdom, thus their deaths are far from abdication: it is concession. They surrender to my voice and I grant them access to peace of mind: Me.” breathed the wind.

Oh. I should have noticed before that with all those smoke stacks boiling over their tops, there should have been vast plumes of ash blotting out most of the view. But it was only every great now and then, when a climber completed their act as a diver, that a puff, more like a burp than a vomit, arose out of the cauldrons. The crimson puffs floated away.

"Why does it matter with what intent they do it?" I fired.

The breeze tousled my hair. “Why, dear, silly boy," The wind chuckle-gasped, "Attitude shapes very worlds."

It gathered the most recent smoke puff, promptly blowing it ahead of myself in the sand. It collected it so tight it became a red sphere. Lightning flashed so constantly within the ball it was like the string of beeps and bleats in Morse code. Over the orb I could see something coming into view. I looked down again and saw that we were leaving the first place at our backs, approaching a new domain. And this one was full of beauty.

Majestic white mountains. Snow covered everything, but there were no clouds, and it wasn’t snowing. We were still a little ways off. And then I noticed there was a division. A valley cut a border between the two provinces. We weren’t over it, but so high above it that I could see down into its belly from this far. A trickle of grey noodled across the valley floor. At the far end it branched to either side. And when I say branched, I do mean like a tree’s branches, several, and a proportional amount of shoots to both sides.

“Ah,” came the voicelessness of the wind, “You behold the weeping lead.”

I wanted an affirmation. “The metal, lead?”

“Precisely. It is essential. But not now.”

I didn’t argue. The wind was always right. And I knew I wasn’t.

I could figure out for myself that the weeping lead was some sort of entrance but… the valley it ran through was a barrier in itself. A barred entry just around the corner, just out of the forms' sight? I couldn’t crack it. I found that more than a little counteractive. Why censor the centerfold of a magazine? Something was being withheld from me, purposely. But the wind said I didn’t need to understand it yet, so I didn't push the matter.

The smoky sphere picked up speed and dipped away on a streamlet of sand stuff that branched off from the mainstream I was riding on. Miles were whipping by as we sped, so miles weren’t really a measurement to ogle at here, but the ball zinging scads of miles to pass over the entire ravine in the time it took to snap off back-to-back blinks was a feat to ogle at. When it passed over into the white land there could be seen a tiny pop high above the mountains. Were I up next to it, it would’ve been like a feather pillow rupturing after one too many rounds of pillow fighting. Considering the size of the sphere, the burst was tremendously insignificant.

But it set off a blizzard.

We were right up near the lip of the gorge now. The blizzard was more than strong. It was like nothing ever seen. And I guess for the storm’s ferocity, it has never been seen, still. I could hear though, hear blustery winds. They were only hurricane force winds, stirring up a white wedge that washed away all depth. Another noise fell upon my ears as well. No. It was the same noise I mistook to be wind. The sound of cheering. Wow. One tiny puff ball and it receives a celebratory confetti so thick, the puff ball wouldn’t be able to open the presents all the guests had placed before it.

The wind giggled. “That I s-al-l-ay–” but its words were jerked away as a coal mountain on the outskirts of the Lavaland, one of the last as we soared up next to the canyon’s mouth, abruptly lifted and jabbed its peak, dissecting the wind’s lisp. Then it was my turn. The jagged rock bit into my side and lava oozed out where the gash opened. Without the wind, fear burst back into color all around me, and the more I feared as I stared up at the still rising mountain, the more lava poured out of my side until I was consumed and began to drip down the mountainside.


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401 Reviews


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Sun Dec 28, 2014 3:44 am
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here as requested!

Sorry, it's taking so long for me to get to this, but it's good to see that the rating went down. I appreciate that. ^^

This is going to mainly be what I see in this chapter, and as I haven't read the other chapters please just ignore it if I get something off in the storyline or anything. I'll be reading and reviewing as I go. :)

The first thing that came to my mind was that I didn't appreciate how this started off. There seemed to be too much telling and not enough showing.

It had been confided to me. His keepsake. And not only had I damaged the jewelry as it was displaced from its roost about my neck, it seemed the symbolic trinket would also be lost forever.


I started reading, and I was like "whaaat?" I know that you probably told us about the trinket and how it had been broken, but maybe a slight recap here? Like, she remembers it slipping and falling, and the feelings of remorse were coming on, and so on. Not exactly the best example, but I hope you get what I mean. Sometimes it's a good idea to give the readers a good feel of what had previously happened while still pushing forward with the plot.

Basically the feel that I got here was "ummm, why would it be lost forever?" I was confused, because it was said so plainly out there with very little explanation. Get what I mean? Hope this makes sense. ^^ If this doesn't make sense, I'll try to explain it better.

But because of the force with which it was dislodged, the time before it would eclipse my reach was withering.


This is another telling and no showing problem. See, you want your descriptions to be visual and vivid! This is rather bland, and doesn't paint a very good picture. It's just there.

How to fix that isn't that difficult, though. Especially after looking at the rest of your work, that does the actual showing, I know you can do it with ease. What you need to do is work on choice of wording. For one, my reach was withering wasn't vivid. Get rid of withering and something more vivid. Look at synonyms, and you'll find some great options. I go to google all the time for this sort of thing, and it usually works. Here's a great link that should help with description. Hope it helps! This link is a real help when it comes to doing description the right way.

It sparkled. I swiped. It wriggled. I knocked it. It tumbled. I swore. It hummed. Something exploded. Blue flash. My eyes bounced. I was redirected.


I see what you're trying to do here, but again, this wasn't that vivid. Put some color in this part. I know I told you that I wasn't going to review because of language, but I think in this part where you say "I swore" it might be best to actually have her swearing. To create an actual effect on the reader. When trying to get a point across, or to show the readers that the character(s) is frustrated, then dialogue and facial descriptions are really the best way to go.

What do you mean by "eyes bouncing"? Eyes bouncing over different areas? Eyes bouncing in their sockets? Be more specific with this type of thing.

Yet here, I was content merely to be


I won't lie. I LOVE THIS LINE. <3

The forms at the mountains' base literally kept passing from one steamy slope to the next, transients in search of an oasis; I guess from down there, they couldn’t see the curvature of the horizon, and all I could see along its length was volcano after geyser of magma puckering up like canker sores.


Whooaaah, hold your horses here. We have a run on to deal with. :P Here you can see that you are using three commas and one semi-colon. I'm a type of writer that doesn't use semi-colons, as I don't see their point too much, so my opinion may be a bit biased.

Firstly, the commas. If you have a sentence that has around three commas then you have a pretty good chance of it being a run-on. Try to avoid sentences like that, or else the flow of the sentence or even the overall paragraph can be ruined. Try to cut out as many commas when possible, to avoid that type of thing.

Next would be semi-colons. Honestly, like I said before... my opinion is a little biased here. I hate semi-colons mainly for one reason. They destroy a perfect sentence. In my opinion at least. Of course, on the occasion, you can sue a semi-colon and it reads out just fine! But not all the time. In fact it's very rare that I've found a sentence that I've liked with one in it. My reason for this, is because it destroys the overall flow. Two incomplete thoughts can be either joined as one by a comma, or they can be made into two complete sentences. It's all a matter of preference and style, I sometimes think, but I've personally always envisioned semi-colons in an essay. They just don't seem to belong too much to a story. Just a thought. ^^

I fired.


One small little thing that maybe you could think about. Try to use said more. It's one of those things that is mainly preference, but said is something that readers go over just like a comma or a period, really! Words like "fired" and the like have to be stopped at and thought about for a moment, and that's technically not what you want. Generally you want them to be continuing. So try to hold back a little on those adjectives, and use said a wee bit more. Just another idea. :D

Alright! I think that's all from me for now. Sorry, if this review seems a bit all over the place. I can't seem to think straight today or something. xD Hope this helps you out!

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Wed Dec 24, 2014 4:08 am
Lefty wrote a review...



Hey, there! Lefty here to review, as requested! Sorry it took me a few days to get to it. Anyway, onto the review!

So... This is the thirteenth chapter and I haven't read the others so not all of it made complete sense to me, such as them becoming the arrow and the whole portal and wind thing, but again, it's probably just because I haven't read the others. It was interesting and intriguing however.

Lets start out with the nitpicks:

the time before it would eclipse my reach was withering

This line is maybe a little over the top. It might be okay if this novel is intended for adults but if this is meant to be YA or younger, you might want to simplify it a bit. It's important to be able to write creatively and I wish I was able to do it a bit more, but there is a happy medium with using big or artistic words and using simple words. For instance, when you use the word "betwixt", I think that would be better as just "between." Perhaps my vocabulary isn't wonderful, but I've never heard of that word before. If there are a lot of big/creative words that aren't commonly used/known you might lose people. As I said, there's a happy medium. Some of the sentences were beautifully written, just keep an eye out.

as I tried to cope with that pain, my back smacked into the wall

very nitpicky, but I think "slammed" would be better than "smacked."

The journey back was every bit as tantalizing as the first, quite pinchy this time actually, but nothing that couldn’t be tolerated.

I was a little confused. It could be because I haven't read the others, and if so, just ignore this, but I thought maybe they jumped through a portal and landed somewhere else and they had to make a physical journey back until I continued reading, which caused me to go back and reread this paragraph. This would easily be fixed by adding "In the portal," at the beginning of the paragraph.

Before, nothing was around save the sand and the metallic-looking stuff.

Only from me, down was.

Is there a word missing from these sentences? They didn't make total sense to me.

In the volcano part you refer to the people as "forms". That was fine the first time you called them that but after that I was confused as to what "forms" were. It could be just me. I might be tired. But changing it to "figures" might be better.

Were the volcanos erupting and people were try to escape or was this normal life? As I read on I got the impression it was the first one, but for a long time I wasn't sure. I suppose it doesn't really matter, I just wondered.

Ok! So that's it for nitpicks. The story is very interesting and intriguing. Very different/cool concept. I'm curious to know what happened in the previous chapters. It sounds like a neat story. I'm very interested in this necklace and what it does/why it's so important.

You have excellent grammar, punctuation and sentence structure. So great job on that! A lot of people have trouble with that.

I got a pretty clear picture in my head of the volcanos and the snowy mountains. Very cool visuals. The snowy mountains sounded so beautiful and peaceful, and the volcanos had sort of a Pompeii feel. Nice job.

I hope this review didn't sound harsh because I didn't mean for it to! I'm just trying to help as much as I can and of course, a lot of my suggestions are just that, suggestions. So you don't have to take them if you don't want to. :)

Keep up the good work. It looks like you're getting pretty far on this novel (chapter 13!) and that's a huge accomplishment. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Merry Christmas!
-Lefty




Wriskypump says...


Merry Christmas, Lefty! *gives pie* Thank you, this will help a ton! :D




All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
— CandyWizard